The urge to sing βThe Lion Sleeps Tonightβ is always just a whim away...
A whim away, a whim away, a whim away
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︎ Apr 15 2021
The waitress at our table tonight asked if we wanted kid's menus.
My wife said yes. I said we're happy with the kids we have, thank you. I then realized I could FEEL the desire to harmlessly embarrass my children in front of other people. It's happening!
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︎ Jun 12 2021
A girl asked me if I wanted to have dinner tonight.
I like to have dinner every night.
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︎ Jun 18 2021
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︎ Jun 17 2021
Spontaneous dad joke tonight....
We are ordering dinner, I asked My kiddo what she would like. She says "Can I get a Caesar wrap."
So I say "Yo-Yo, I'm MC Cesar, and I'm here to say, I got stabbed in the back, et tu, brute?"
The stare and silence was remarkable & amazing. Made even better with the high five received by the dad sitting next to us.
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︎ Jun 01 2021
During family dinner, I looked at my wife and announced to everyone "Tonight guys, my wife and I will have some great, great sex."
"Thomas!" she shouted. "Not at the table!"
I said, "No, preferably somewhere a bit comfier."
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︎ Jul 04 2021
So my wife says, βhoney, Iβd like to have a little Italian for dinner tonight.β
I said, βSure. But Iβm not sure how the little Italianβs family will feel about that.β
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︎ Jun 24 2021
I saw a guy wearing a "F**K 2020" jumper at the pub tonight.
I turned to my wife and said, "what a dated jumper"
Note: wife and friends groaned and eye rolled.
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︎ Jun 19 2021
Dig a hole in me tonight
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︎ Nov 01 2020
What did one Potato Head ask the other Potato Head what was for dinner tonight
One said, βyour lookin at it!!β π
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︎ May 17 2021
Was at a yardsale where someone had Tremors, Footloose, and Friday the 13th. Tonight I'm...
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︎ Apr 18 2021
I lost big at the horse races tonight.
They were so much faster than me.
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︎ Apr 23 2021
At dinner tonight, my daughter told me she was full...
I told her she didnβt have to finish her dinner.
She replied, βNo dad, my name is full!β
Sheβs learning!
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︎ Apr 09 2021
My wife couldnβt believe I took my old high school bully out tonight.
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︎ Mar 28 2021
The moon is full tonight, do you think he eats too much?
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︎ Apr 27 2021
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
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︎ Apr 18 2021
True Story: tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said βmummy, youβve peeβd on the floorβ
Needless to say I was in stitches.
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︎ Mar 03 2021
I made Himalayan rabbit stew for supper tonight for my family
I found Himalayan on the side of the road on my way home
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︎ Feb 10 2021
The wife asked me tonight if Iβd seen the dog bowl.
I said βto be honest I didnβt even know he played cricketβ.
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︎ Feb 06 2021
I had a go at making soup for the family tonight
I had some great feedback, the kids even said it was souper good!
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︎ Feb 19 2021
Iβve seen way too many Hindsight is 2020 jokes tonight.
I shouldβve seen it coming, but... you know.
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︎ Jan 01 2021
I always say "hi tired, I'm dad", but I got one upped tonight.
I said my goodnights but in return I got "Are you a broom?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"You look sweepy"
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︎ Aug 11 2020
So I ate some frog legs for the first time tonight
They were pretty good. Only problem is, I now have a frog in my throat!
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︎ Jan 17 2021
Just before midnight tonight, Iβll lift up my left leg.
That way, I can start the new year on the right foot.
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︎ Dec 31 2020
The Vietnamese restaurant was very rude about the long line they had tonight...
...it was a big Phα» queue.
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︎ Jan 09 2021
Hubs is gonna be late tonight
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︎ Aug 29 2019
Been a dad 5 mo, so Iβm a little new to this... Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad.
Wife: What are you thinking?
Me: Business casual.
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︎ Jul 09 2019
tonight on puns
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︎ Sep 18 2019
My 6 yr old son has an attitude problem at the dinner table. He barely eats and always makes the rudest comments about the home-cooked food we provide him, so tonight we tried alphabet soup.
I really hope he eats his words.
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︎ Nov 06 2020
My fire tonight...
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︎ Nov 25 2020
Him: Do you want to play among us tonight?
Me: Sure, what are you playing?
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︎ Oct 16 2020
Was pretty proud of this exchange on a dating app tonight
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︎ Dec 18 2018
I have a marathon to be at tonight.
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︎ Oct 29 2020
When the Mrs. could tell I was in the mood, she immediately let me know that tonight wasnβt going to happen.
She said: βNot tonight. Period.β
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︎ Oct 16 2020
Tonight Iβm gonna have possum soup made from Himalayan possum...
Because I found Himalayan on the road.
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︎ Oct 17 2020
I'm not happy because I have to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armor.
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︎ Sep 21 2020
The urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away
A whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
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︎ May 13 2021
The urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight'
...is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
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︎ May 26 2021
The urge to sing βa lion sleeps tonightβ is always a whim away.
A whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
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︎ Apr 15 2021
I feel a constant urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight
It's always just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away....
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︎ May 13 2021
Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner.
We found himalayan on the road.
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︎ Feb 28 2021
For me, the urge to sing βThe Lion Sleeps Tonightβ is always just a whim away...
...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
π︎ 1k
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︎ Jun 02 2020
For me, the urge to sing βThe Lion Sleeps Tonightβ is always just a whim away...
a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
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︎ Sep 20 2019
Wife: "What are you making for dinner tonight, honey?"
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︎ Dec 12 2020
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