Poured my dog a tonic. Nothing.

Poured my cat a tonic. Now it's in a coma.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Gin and Tonic walks into a bar

Sits next to Martini. Martini looks over and says, β€œHey, could I buy you a drink?” Gin and Tonic replies, β€œno thank you. You’re not Mai Thai.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theWoostCarvin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the tonic water that was thrown into the ocean?

It got schwepped away.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AngryBootman2016
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

I Schwepped her off her feet.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/uglyric
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A big bear goes into a bar and slaps down a $20 bill and says to the bartender,"give me a gin and................tonic"

The bartender replies, "Why the big paws?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A dermatologist walks into a bar

A dermatologist walks into a bar and orders a vodka tonic. He notices that the bartender has a patch of red scaly skin on his arm. "Say," the dermatologist comments, "you should really have that spot looked at." The bartender replies, "That seems like a rash statement."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2022
🚨︎ report
A bear walks into a bar and says "I want a gin.........and tonic." Bartender asks "why the big pause?"

Bear: holds up paws "cuz I'm a bear"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jherin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
There is a company in Michigan that makes tonic water for cats

Most people in Michigan are shocked to find out they live in a cat a tonic state

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the rabbit use to make his fur nice and shiny?

Hare tonic (hat tip Bugs Bunny)

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Keithninety
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I made my girlfriend a Gin and Tonic

she said, "Thanks, babe. I love it!"

I replied, "So you can say it really Schwepped you off your feet?"

 

She took a very extended sip and walked away

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFifthsWord
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2016
🚨︎ report
What did the hypnotist do to soothe her ailing feline?

She made her cat a tonic.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/petite_alsacienne
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What did Robin Williams drink at the Aladdin premiere back in '92?

A djinn and tonic!

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirAnalog
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Two dads walk into a bar

The bartender sees them and says:

β€œI’m sorry, but we don’t serve dads here”

One of the dads replies:

β€œOh that’s alright, I’ll have a Gin & Tonic instead”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OB1KENOB
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought a car that runs on alcohol instead of gas

It has a tonic engine

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/riWHATulous
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the Tasmanian devils favorite drink?

Spin and tonic

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbrasky43
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What's a Genie's favorite drink?

A Djinn and Tonic

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ujili
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What is a feline bar tenders favorite drink?

Cat-a-tonic

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What is a transitioning male's drink of choice?

An Estro-Gin and Tonic

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a German holding two bottles of Schweppes?

A two-tonic teuton.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mitchinatr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a potion that turns you into a cat?

Cat-a-tonic!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tbonethehero
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
🚨︎ report
The Cheerio Joke

Oh boy do I have a joke for you kids! Its called the cheerio joke.


So there is this land called cheerio land and in cheerio land there are 7 classes of cheerio, 0-5 and the frosted cheerios. Now there is this level 0 cheerio. Hes homeless, living out on the street, probaly an alchoholic. But he falls in love with a frosted cheerio princess. So one day he sneaks into the royal gala and goes up to the princess and asks her "will you marry me?" Now she says "I like your style, youre a good looking guy, a bit scruffy but I like you. Tell you what I will marry you if you can become a frosted cheerio" So our guy goes back with a determination and gets a job and starts to pay off his debts. Now by having a job and his debts paid he becomes a level 1 cheerio. So he works, and he works, and he works, and he WORKS and he finally becomes a level 2 cheerio. Now he goes back to the princess and askes her again, "will you marry me?" she says "no honey you really do have to become a frosted cheerio first." So he goes back and he works and works, hes a fryboy at McGrubers or something, I dont care. So he works and he works and he gets promoted at the restraunt and is making more money. And he works and he works and he works and by having that income raise he finally becomes a level 3 cheerio. He feels sucessful for the first time in his life but he is starting to fall back on his old ways. One day he goes to the casino and he loses and he loses and he loses and he gambled all his money away and he gets fired to boot because gambling is against company policy. So he is back down to a level 1 cheerio. He gets a job on a production line at a nearby factory and determines himself not to fall back ever again. So he works and he works and he works and he works and he WORKS, level 2, level 3, and he is doing great again. He is promoted to Floor manager of the factory and he is doing great and becomes a level 4 cheerio. But then one day a rival company sabotages their operation by putting poison in their toothpaste or whatever the hell they were making. They have to pay out damages and PR and the like and they declare bankruptcy. He is knocked back down to level 2 for the lack in income. But he is hired almost straight away by a branch of a huge conglomerate because they recognized how hard of a worker he is. So he works, level 3, works, level 4, and he works and works and WORKS. So he is promoted t

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/t17389z
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
🚨︎ report
I was a bartender for a night . . .

I said to my 13 year old. He's at that age when he is starting to think he knows everything because he knows why salt makes ice melt.

He knows I'm a teetotaler.

"What do you know about making drinks?" he says sneeringly.

"I know how to make some drinks."

"Like what?"

"I know how to make rum and coke. I know how to make gin and tonic. I know how to make Shirley Temples."

There is a snort there.

"I know how to make vodka cranberries. I know how to make margaritas. I know how to make red wine."

He finishes the fries he is eating at the counter island in the kitchen and starts to head out of the room.

"Do you know how to make a red wine?" I call after him.

He turns around and looks at me, still chewing.

"How"

"Tell them about 1991."

"What?"

"That is when the Soviet Union fell, all the reds were whining."

True story.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2016
🚨︎ report
My brother dropped this one on me the other day.

So a bear walks into a bar and asks for a gin................and tonic.

The bartender says "Why the long pause?"

The bear shrugs, looks down and says "What, these? I've had them all my life..."

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2013
🚨︎ report
An Oxford comma walks into a bar...

Orders a gin, and tonic.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bradfink2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2013
🚨︎ report
Swiffer pads.

About a week ago, tonic water exploded out of the bottle as I was opening it, showering the kitchen. I was cleaning up, and decided to bust out the swiffer pad, because it's faster. (Heh.)

Anyway, this is the conversation that followed between my girlfriend and I.

> Her - Ugh those swiffer pads smell awful.

> Me - Really? Huh. I hadn't noticed.

> Her - Yeah, remind me to pick some up at the store.

A short silence.

> Me - Hey babe...?

> Her, leaving the room - I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU ARE REMINDING ME TO BUY SWIFFER PADS RIGHT NOW.

> Me - I'm not! Just wanted to say I love you.

> Her - Awww that is so sweet!

> Me - Also, remember to buy swiffer pads when you go to the store.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theintention
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
🚨︎ report
A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water

Schwepped her off her feet.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dulcetsavanna
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water

Schwepped her off her feet

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maxbergmusic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water

Schwepped her off her feet

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water

Schwepped her off her feet

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rotimi_babalola
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A girl I like wouldn’t go out with me until I bought her a tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/borkichewchew
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
A polar bear walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bartender and says:

"I'll have a gin and...................tonic"

The bartender says:

"Why the big pause?"

The polar bear replies:

"I don't know, I was born with them."

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A bear goes into a bar...

and says "-could I get a gin and........... tonic?".

Bartender says: "sure, but what's with the pause?".

Bear says: "I was born with them".

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tnethacker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2016
🚨︎ report
So a polar bear walks into a bar...

and says, "I'll have a gin and............................tonic please." The barkeep says "what's with the big pause?" The polar bear replies, "I don't know, my dad had them too!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EdgArmstrong
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.