I have taken all of the criticism of Dad Jokes to heart. No jokes that a toddler would not get, nothing too long, nothing that has any sort of NSFW or vulgarity, etc., etc., etc.. I have come to a conclusion, the only allowable joke is:
Hi "username", my name is Dad.
My sister called panicking, asking me to leave work and come over because her husband was having a heart attack.
When I got there he was fine...the story was just A fib.
The CEO of Boeing had a heart attack and needed to be airlifted to a hospital. But the chopper was made by Airbus...
And the CEO was found dead on a rival.
When my gran was younger she use to always say that a key to a man’s heart is through his stomach
And that’s the story of how she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon
Dad: I think I’m having a heart attack. I need you to call me an ambulance.
Me: You’re an ambulance
Dad: sheds tears of pride
My daughter introduced me to her boyfriend today. She said he’s such a handsome doctor; as soon as you see him you’ll eat your heart out.
How many symbols do you need to type on a keyboard to make a heart?
I didn’t have the heart to throw out my vacuum
Even though all it did was collect dust
Do you wanna know what the key to anyone's heart is?
A patient wants to have his heart examined.
The doctor said, "Don't worry, it will work for as long as you live."
Wifey had long been suffering from heart ailments, and so we were thrilled to know that they finally found a good match for replacement. On the day of the surgery though, she seemed really nervous. So I asked her..
if she was having a change of heart. She was.
To kill a French vampire you need to impale it through the heart with a baguette.
Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.
A friend of mine had a heart attack and they used a defibrillator to save her life.
She must’ve been shocked.
My mother always said the way to a man's heart was through his stomach.
Great woman, terrible surgeon.
It really takes heart to be an organ donor.
Or a liver. Or a pancreas. Even a kidney or two.
what did the police tell the heart after pulling it over for going to fast?
You're under cardiac arrest.
Where does Queen Elsa keep her heart to make sure it stays cold?
In her ice chest!
Thought of this today, can’t wait to spring it on my 7yo when I see her after school
What does a dad do when he doesn't have the heart to whip his kids with a belt?
He pun-ishes them.
(My first attempt. Yes, it sucked.)
"I love you from my heart to-ma-toes"
My heart goes out to the diabetic knight.
He sure does have to lance a lot.
I was just about to get the heart transplant
But when I thought about it, I had a change of heart.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
Me to my little sister: "did you know that a jellyfish has no brain or heart?"
My step-dad next to us: "like a politician"
I would like to see a heart attack
Updated: For the notorious dad joker who wants to melt a heart… and then kick it while it’s defenses are down
I posted yesterday about how my 8 y/o son used a knock knock joke to melt my heart and turn me into a bowl of mush. Only, he was playing the long game …. And had a new joke waiting for me this morning.
Yesterday’s joke (when I was expecting interrupting cow):
Knock knock.
Whose there?
Good.
Good who?
Good morning, I love you.
….
….
Today’s joke (when I was expecting yesterday’s again):
Knock knock.
Whose there?
Good.
Good who?
Good Lord, you smell!
….
….
Thanks son, I’m glad you exist but you’re ruthless.
Cannot do anything what my heart tells me to do
Too bad i dont know Morse
For the notorious dad joker who wants to melt a heart
Try out this almost joke that my 8 year old used on me this morning …
Knock Knock.
Whose there?
Good.
Good who?
Good Morning, I love you.
……
……
He caught me off guard and turned me into a puddle.
Feel free to try it out on your unsuspecting loved ones. They’ll never see it coming from someone who is usually full of the jokes.
My wife always says the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman.
Useless surgeon.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
COVID-19 can cause damage to the brain, heart, and lungs.
Luckily for Trump, he just needs to worry about lung damage.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
My horoscope told me I was going to be heart broken in 12 years
So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up
A sailor wrote a book about how to win a woman’s heart
It’s called “The Art of Seaduction”
Poor woman’s heart is going to break.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital...
... he was on a fairway to heaven.
You want to know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
My dad had a failing heart and refused to get surgery.
But in the end, he had a change of heart.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach,
which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.
I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. That is true love. The heart wants what the heart wants. ❤️
When’s the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of cherades
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon
To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart.
Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .
To kill a French vampire, you need to drive a baguette through its heart.
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
The only way to kill a French vampire is to slowly drive a baguette through its heart.
The process is a little painstaking.
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Only way to kill a French vampire is to stab it in its heart with a baguette.
But the whole damn process is painstaking.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
