Tits Up Puns

It's going tits up.

So my wife just got her breast pump all set up. She's got the double suckers rolling, tits out, milk flowing like a minor tributary. And I ASK "ARE YOU PUMPED?!" fucking genius.... She stared silently for like 10 seconds. Then told me to post here.

The royal court of Egypt hires a new bath servant for Queen Cleopatra.

The Queen walks into her royal bath chamber disrobes and climbs into her empty bath.

“Please fill my bath with milk”

“Pasteurised?”

“Just up to my tits will be fine”

After a barbeque we're in the car, my dad, my mother and I. My dad is very drunk and annoying my mother, who's driving. My mother: Martin, shut up, you're getting on my tits now. Dad: Maybe I wanna get on your tits.

My roommate isn't a fan of reading. "It's a waste of time," according to him, so he prefers movies. After finishing a movie today he told me it happened to be based on real events, saying he might have to look it up. The following was our IM.

Me: Neat, that sounds like a good read, yeah?

Roomie (b/c the movie had a sex scene): But words don't have tits, so there's one problem, lol

Me: Lord. Maybe you should try reading some smut sometime. It's puts on sunglasses titillating! Yyyyeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

Roomie: Guh. Awful

I think I owe him a pint, now.

Mom: "Come check out all the birds in the backyard!"
Dad: Looks out window, "hmm, there doesn't seem to be any tits out there today"
Mom and Sister have confused looks on faces.
My dad then proceeds to pull up a pic on his iPad of a bird called the "Long-tailed Tit", and says "see, no Tits!"
Groans