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Now is definitely not the right time to start surrounding yourself with positive people.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
Now is the best time to buy a pet bird.
I hear they are going cheep.
I had a joke about grocery stores but now is not the right time to tell it
I think aisle tell it later
Now is not the time
To surround yourself with positive people
Now that I have more time, I’ve decided to take care of my health and eat a more balanced diet.
I haven’t dropped any food so far!
That’s it, I’ve observed long enough!! Now it’s time to take:
I've called Bloody Mary three times now
I think she's ghosting me
My kid has a toy set of different biblical characters, but one started talking and now it condescendingly corrects me all the time...
...what a little Noah doll.
BREAKING NEWS: People are now smoking marijuana in record numbers, reaching an all time high.
It's time to go to bed now. Don't make me repeat myself.
My weird boss has assigned designated bathroom times for each employee, and now it’s my turn.
Putting my son to be and he starts jumping in the bed and doing the regular bed time silly business. I get up to walk out and say “I’m going out now”
He replies with “I’m Leo”. 10/10
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I told my wife that I'm going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She asked, "Where will you find the time?"
I said, "Easy, right next to the sage"
The Grim Reaper went to collect a soul. Upon arriving he says to the unfortunate man: "Your time has come, prepare to leave the land of the living and follow me to the gates of heaven. Now come and don't hesitate, for I am unforgiving. Or else you will wander in the shadow realm for eternity!
Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"
"Yes you are"
Some guy destroyed my saltwater aquarium, so now we hang out all the time.
The enemy of my anemone is my friend.
My Dad carried this in his wallet for years. I used to roll my eyes every time he pulled it out, but now the memory always makes me smile.
mindwerx.com/files/imagec…
My wristwatch broke, so I put it on my belt - now it's just a waist of time.
I've stuck my foot in my mouth so many times I should have a sole by now..
But my insides are still bare.
My wife is due with our first baby any time now and she made a poll to have the family guess when she would go into labor. Hilarity ensued.
Now that I'm getting older, I'm not as sharp all the time as I used to be.
But since I'm a professional musician, my colleagues all seem to appreciate it.
Now that is 2017 it's high time that I said this.
Shore I was having a whale of a time but now I'm just fishing for compliments.
imgur.com/cWnWoW0
I spent too much time studying math in the sun the other day and now I have -atan line
imgur.com/tXs1V
I use this one every time my wife and I go to the movies. I now gift it to you.
This is my favorite stupid joke to use out at the movies. Every movie. Action, drama, comedy, whatever.
Movie ends. Credits roll. People start getting up.
I turn to my wife and say, "Wanna stick around and see if (character) joins The Avengers?"
It works with everything.
After Moana: "Wanna stick around and see if Maui joins the Avengers?"
After Baby Driver: "Wanna stick around and see if Baby joins the Avengers?"
Even works for villians. Why not?
After Deepwater Horizon: "Wanna stick around and see if the oil joins the Avengers?"
I guarantee you eyerolls aplenty. Use it in good health.
This sub is great and all but I have wanted to say this for a long time now....
I'm a dad now, and I have a nine month old daughter. When I put her in her 12 hour diaper for the night, I say: "It's time to put on your night diaper...
...like Sir Lancelot wore when he was a baby."
I heard "Zombie" played 6 times today and now it's in my head...
In maaaaaa heeeeaaad, in my heeeaaaaaaddd, zombie, zombie...
My boyfriend and I have been playing this game for a while now and it makes us laugh every time. Here are some of my faves so far. Feel free to add your own!
What kind of underwear does Zeus wear?
..............Thunderwear!
What kind of underwear does a pirate wear?
.............plunderwear!
What kind of underwear does the NRA wear?
...............gunderwear!
What kind of underwear does a tyrannical leader wear?
............Attila the Hunderwear!
What kind of underwear does a Spanish person wear?
...............Juanderwear?
can you think of some more? :)
Every damn time, even now that I'm older.
So as a kid, I was super clumsy. I could barely take two steps without falling down. And every time, I scraped my knee. I would get up crying and find my dad And every time, the conversation went like this:
Me: Dad I hurt my knee.
Dad: Your high knee or your low knee?
Edit: Hiney (sounds like high knee) is another name for a butt. You know it's a dad joke when you have to explain it....
It wasn't a joke at the time, but it makes me laugh now.
As toddlers/youngins whenever we'd fall down and start to cry, my dad would be like "OHMYGOSH HOLYCRAP oh NOOO!! The floor!!!? Did you hurt the floor???" And we'd be shocked into forgetting we'd just fallen (and gotten scared-hurt)
It was hilarious seeing younger siblings do this- to go from traumatized and in desperate pain to stunned in about half a second... guppy faces and wide eyes like- 'oh no! I'm not the victim here at all, am I?' Maybe you'd have to see it to understand. Surprisingly, it really did make everything stop hurting.
Met the Manager for the first time, gave him a dad joke, now I'm the favorite
BACK STORY:
So I got a new job through one of my good friends, and while working with him I shook hands with my boss Chad, awesome guy. As we were making small talk I was stuttering a bit, and my good friend, Neil, loves messing with me about it.
Me: Yeah, that sounds g-g-great
Neil: T-T-TODAY JUNIOR, jeez can your mouth ever talk straight?
Chad: Hey it's legal now so if his mouth wants that, it's none of my business and more power to him.
Me: But my mouth is bi
Neil:Bi what?
Me: Bi my nose
Chad laughed hard, this will be a great job. More dad jokes to come, I'm sure
If you measure the length of your thumb, you now have a consistent measuring tool with you at all times.
In other words, a consistent rule of thumb.
My dad has been telling this since I was 5 (now I'm 22) still laughs every time
Why does a crow never get hit on the side of the road?
There is always one on the other side saying "CAH CAH!"
I say it all the time now
Whenever someone would be leaving and say "I'll be right back." he would say "Don't threaten us!".
It happens every time I leave the house now..
Me: Just popping out Dad, see you later.
Dad: Ok. see you 'ron
Me: ......Whose Ron??"
.....
.....
Dad: Later'on
Every time I tell him. I should have learned by now.
Me: My toes are cold.
Dad: Put 'em in your pockets!
Every time, I'm 24 now. Uncle jokes.
Me: Hey Uncle Brandon I have a question.
Uncle Brandon: Okay niece Etcetera_and_soforth I have an answer.
I'm still walking in to that one.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
My boss only allows bathroom breaks at designated times, and it is my turn to go now.
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