[Real joke from real dad] I'm in the hospital on a liquid only diet for a long time, and my dad sends me: You know who else is on a liquid only diet?

Vampires! And for their whole life!

10/10 dad, my guy has reached peak fatherhood with that.

πŸ‘︎ 546
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZenyX-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2023
🚨︎ report
I didn't pay my exorcist bill on time.

They repossessed me.

πŸ‘︎ 710
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Superior_Grinch
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2023
🚨︎ report
I have a coupon tattooed on my arm that I scan every time I buy groceries.

Some people give me dirty looks, but then I redeem myself.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2023
🚨︎ report
You know why the pigeons on Sesame Street never spent time with Big Bird?

He was ostrich sized.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/earlypurges
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2023
🚨︎ report
Cable guy on my Street asked me what time it was

I told him it is between 8AM and 1PM

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2023
🚨︎ report
Why does my new iPhone get excited every time I power it on?

It’s about to get hooked up again with 5 Gs

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TRAKRACER
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2023
🚨︎ report
Found on r/TrippingThroughTime
πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeriodStix
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2022
🚨︎ report
Therapist: "I think it's time to stop pleasing people and saying Yes all the time. From now on you must say NO. Is it OK ?"

Patient: " euh, hem ... ! "

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/e-bio
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2023
🚨︎ report
After seeing some of the things posted on /r/DadJokes lately, I believe it's time for someone to say something.

Something.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2023
🚨︎ report
I dyed my hair blonde yesterday, and this is my first time posting on this sub

It's true what they say.

Blondes have more puns.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2022
🚨︎ report
My cousin Fred was having a terrible time falling asleep unless he was lying on a pile of old magazines.

It turns out he had back issues.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndreT_NY
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2022
🚨︎ report
Did you see the documentary on wearable time pieces?

You should watch it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EgonVector
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2022
🚨︎ report
The god of mischief - high on marijuana - took his time leaving the burning building.

He was a dopey pokey smokey Loki.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LookOutMuppets
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2022
🚨︎ report
I read an article about the guy who sings "Blinding Lights." He has 2 publicists, 3 full-time stylists, a social media manager, and a limo driver all on his payroll.

Seems like everybody's working for The Weeknd.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tvkyle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2022
🚨︎ report
What is the best time on the clock?

6:30

Hands down.

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaNumDee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2022
🚨︎ report
Have I ever told you about the time a cop thought I was bleeding because I had tomato sauce on my shirt?

I guess you could say that the ketchup was a sauce of confusion

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Combeferre1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2022
🚨︎ report
My cable service package comes with nearly a hundred channels - I can hardly focus on just one at a time!

I have 80 HD

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilikesidehugs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2022
🚨︎ report
I spent a lot of time on this one. Do you think it's overdrawn?
πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2022
🚨︎ report
What time is it when an elephant sits on a bed?

Time to get a new bed.

(Same can be said for your mom)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_LonePhoenix_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2022
🚨︎ report
I got my male delivered on time today,

But I was more impressed he fit in the envelope.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2022
🚨︎ report
I’ve been posting a lot of chemistry jokes lately and they’ve gotten good reactions. I thought I was in my element and could go on forever with them but it’s time for someone else to step up and post some periodically.

I can’t zinc of any more.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DatabaseSolid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2022
🚨︎ report
Why do I always feel great on Saturdays and Sundays, and sick the rest of the time..?

Maybe I just have a weekend immune system..

πŸ‘︎ 188
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2022
🚨︎ report
why can't motorcycles get anywhere on time?

They're two tired

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattmilli1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2022
🚨︎ report
A first-time golfer pays the course pro for a lesson on 18 holes…

…the pro tells the rookie to tee off first so he can start to analyze his swing and come up with a lesson plan for the round. The first-timer tees it up, stands over the ball with his driver, and to the pro’s surprise, smashes the ball 375 yards with a slight draw tracking right for the hole. The pro stands there mouth agape, shocked.

The rookie notices the ball is headed towards the group in front of them and turns and says to the pro β€œhey what’s that thing you’re supposed to yell when the ball might hit someone else?”

The pro, still dumbfounded mutters β€œwell it’s too late now”.

The rookie turns back towards the group ahead and shouts at the top of his lungs β€œWELL IT’S TOO LATE NOW!!!”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/corbimatic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2022
🚨︎ report
I was hanging out with friends on the dock the first time I tried drugs.

I gave in to pier pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilikesidehugs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2022
🚨︎ report
First time at a French restaurant I ordered the Napoleon Chicken. My waiter brought me a chicken carcass with no meat on it I said "What's this?". He replied . . .

It's the boney part

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmadouShabag
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2022
🚨︎ report
I have a friend who's a diagnosed kleptomaniac. Every time he comes over, I try to explain why I spend so much time on this subreddit, the puns in the comments are THE BEST. He never seems to get it.

It turns out he always takes things literally

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ericmbailey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2022
🚨︎ report
Did you know that cicadas vary their buzz depending on the time of day?

They call it a cicadian rhythm

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRedGandalf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2022
🚨︎ report
When she first took on her job as the Tooth Fairy, she had a really difficult time.

She faced a lot of teething problems.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hollywoostarsand
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2022
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him, what?

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

πŸ‘︎ 444
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mongoosus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2022
🚨︎ report
I need advice for childproofing my home. I’ve spent so much time, money and effort on it already but

my kids still get in!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DatabaseSolid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2022
🚨︎ report
Every time I try to go on a diet...

A chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2022
🚨︎ report
when the contractor completed digging the well on time, both him and client said

Well done!

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Character_Owl6473
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2022
🚨︎ report
The shortest buskers on the underground keep the best time

Cuz they're metro gnomes.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drone_bandit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2022
🚨︎ report
Every time my kids come home from college I compliment them on how patient they’re becoming..and they always get so upset with me.

I don’t see what’s so bad about telling them they’ve β€œgained a little wait”.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilikesidehugs
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2022
🚨︎ report
Tried to cheat on a multiple choice exam by getting the answers ahead of time.

Wrote them down on tiny pieces of paper and shoved them up my nose.

It was still so hard to pick the right answer.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2022
🚨︎ report
Was thinking back on how I could’ve utilized my time better in quarantine, and you know what they say

Hindsight is always 2020

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ronwonswanson
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2022
🚨︎ report
Every time my guests walk by a portrait of me, they get slobbered on.

Nobody listens when I tell them it's a spitting image.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RemnantReturning
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2022
🚨︎ report
What has 8 legs and is always on time ?

A clock-topus

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/panjandrumbello
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2022
🚨︎ report
6:30 is the best time on the clock,

hands down.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/25BicsOnMyBureau
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2022
🚨︎ report
I read an article about the guy who sings "Blinding Lights." He has 2 publicists, 3 full-time stylists, a social media manager, and a limo driver all on his payroll.

I guess everybody's working for The Weeknd.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tvkyle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2022
🚨︎ report
what's the time when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time for a new bed

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/miserable_guyy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2022
🚨︎ report
6:30 is the best time on a clock

Hands down

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/InfamousJoker420
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2022
🚨︎ report
What time, on a clock, would win?

6:30, hands down

πŸ‘︎ 358
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πŸ‘€︎ u/monkeyshinenyc
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2022
🚨︎ report
what is the best time on a clock?

Hands down, 6:30.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skradizzle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2022
🚨︎ report

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