[Real joke from real dad] I'm in the hospital on a liquid only diet for a long time, and my dad sends me: You know who else is on a liquid only diet?
Vampires! And for their whole life!
10/10 dad, my guy has reached peak fatherhood with that.
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︎ Jan 18 2023
I didn't pay my exorcist bill on time.
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︎ Jan 13 2023
I have a coupon tattooed on my arm that I scan every time I buy groceries.
Some people give me dirty looks, but then I redeem myself.
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︎ Feb 18 2023
You know why the pigeons on Sesame Street never spent time with Big Bird?
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︎ Feb 28 2023
Cable guy on my Street asked me what time it was
I told him it is between 8AM and 1PM
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︎ Jan 19 2023
Why does my new iPhone get excited every time I power it on?
Itβs about to get hooked up again with 5 Gs
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︎ Feb 05 2023
Found on r/TrippingThroughTime
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︎ Dec 07 2022
Therapist: "I think it's time to stop pleasing people and saying Yes all the time. From now on you must say NO. Is it OK ?"
Patient: " euh, hem ... ! "
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︎ Feb 02 2023
After seeing some of the things posted on /r/DadJokes lately, I believe it's time for someone to say something.
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︎ Jan 21 2023
I dyed my hair blonde yesterday, and this is my first time posting on this sub
It's true what they say.
Blondes have more puns.
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︎ Dec 11 2022
My cousin Fred was having a terrible time falling asleep unless he was lying on a pile of old magazines.
It turns out he had back issues.
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︎ Oct 25 2022
Did you see the documentary on wearable time pieces?
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︎ Dec 31 2022
The god of mischief - high on marijuana - took his time leaving the burning building.
He was a dopey pokey smokey Loki.
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︎ Dec 30 2022
I read an article about the guy who sings "Blinding Lights." He has 2 publicists, 3 full-time stylists, a social media manager, and a limo driver all on his payroll.
Seems like everybody's working for The Weeknd.
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︎ Oct 31 2022
What is the best time on the clock?
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︎ Aug 12 2022
Have I ever told you about the time a cop thought I was bleeding because I had tomato sauce on my shirt?
I guess you could say that the ketchup was a sauce of confusion
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︎ Oct 26 2022
My cable service package comes with nearly a hundred channels - I can hardly focus on just one at a time!
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︎ Nov 08 2022
I spent a lot of time on this one. Do you think it's overdrawn?
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︎ Sep 03 2022
What time is it when an elephant sits on a bed?
Time to get a new bed.
(Same can be said for your mom)
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︎ Oct 15 2022
I got my male delivered on time today,
But I was more impressed he fit in the envelope.
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︎ Oct 29 2022
Iβve been posting a lot of chemistry jokes lately and theyβve gotten good reactions. I thought I was in my element and could go on forever with them but itβs time for someone else to step up and post some periodically.
I canβt zinc of any more.
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︎ Aug 24 2022
Why do I always feel great on Saturdays and Sundays, and sick the rest of the time..?
Maybe I just have a weekend immune system..
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︎ Jul 10 2022
why can't motorcycles get anywhere on time?
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︎ Sep 06 2022
A first-time golfer pays the course pro for a lesson on 18 holesβ¦
β¦the pro tells the rookie to tee off first so he can start to analyze his swing and come up with a lesson plan for the round. The first-timer tees it up, stands over the ball with his driver, and to the proβs surprise, smashes the ball 375 yards with a slight draw tracking right for the hole. The pro stands there mouth agape, shocked.
The rookie notices the ball is headed towards the group in front of them and turns and says to the pro βhey whatβs that thing youβre supposed to yell when the ball might hit someone else?β
The pro, still dumbfounded mutters βwell itβs too late nowβ.
The rookie turns back towards the group ahead and shouts at the top of his lungs βWELL ITβS TOO LATE NOW!!!β
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︎ Sep 17 2022
I was hanging out with friends on the dock the first time I tried drugs.
I gave in to pier pressure.
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︎ Oct 25 2022
First time at a French restaurant I ordered the Napoleon Chicken. My waiter brought me a chicken carcass with no meat on it I said "What's this?". He replied . . .
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︎ Oct 15 2022
I have a friend who's a diagnosed kleptomaniac. Every time he comes over, I try to explain why I spend so much time on this subreddit, the puns in the comments are THE BEST. He never seems to get it.
It turns out he always takes things literally
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︎ Sep 18 2022
Did you know that cicadas vary their buzz depending on the time of day?
They call it a cicadian rhythm
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︎ Oct 10 2022
When she first took on her job as the Tooth Fairy, she had a really difficult time.
She faced a lot of teething problems.
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︎ Oct 08 2022
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, what?
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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︎ Mar 29 2022
I need advice for childproofing my home. Iβve spent so much time, money and effort on it already but
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︎ Aug 05 2022
Every time I try to go on a diet...
A chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.
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︎ Aug 02 2022
when the contractor completed digging the well on time, both him and client said
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︎ May 14 2022
The shortest buskers on the underground keep the best time
Cuz they're metro gnomes.
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︎ Aug 31 2022
Every time my kids come home from college I compliment them on how patient theyβre becoming..and they always get so upset with me.
I donβt see whatβs so bad about telling them theyβve βgained a little waitβ.
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︎ Aug 18 2022
Tried to cheat on a multiple choice exam by getting the answers ahead of time.
Wrote them down on tiny pieces of paper and shoved them up my nose.
It was still so hard to pick the right answer.
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︎ Sep 10 2022
Was thinking back on how I couldβve utilized my time better in quarantine, and you know what they say
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︎ Sep 05 2022
Every time my guests walk by a portrait of me, they get slobbered on.
Nobody listens when I tell them it's a spitting image.
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︎ Aug 13 2022
What has 8 legs and is always on time ?
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︎ May 30 2022
6:30 is the best time on the clock,
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︎ Feb 19 2022
I read an article about the guy who sings "Blinding Lights." He has 2 publicists, 3 full-time stylists, a social media manager, and a limo driver all on his payroll.
I guess everybody's working for The Weeknd.
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︎ Oct 31 2022
what's the time when an elephant sits on your bed?
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︎ Oct 16 2022
6:30 is the best time on a clock
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︎ Oct 20 2022
What time, on a clock, would win?
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︎ Apr 05 2022
what is the best time on a clock?
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︎ Jun 22 2022
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