[Real joke from real dad] I'm in the hospital on a liquid only diet for a long time, and my dad sends me: You know who else is on a liquid only diet?
Vampires! And for their whole life!
10/10 dad, my guy has reached peak fatherhood with that.
I didn't pay my exorcist bill on time.
I have a coupon tattooed on my arm that I scan every time I buy groceries.
Some people give me dirty looks, but then I redeem myself.
You know why the pigeons on Sesame Street never spent time with Big Bird?
Cable guy on my Street asked me what time it was
I told him it is between 8AM and 1PM
Why does my new iPhone get excited every time I power it on?
It’s about to get hooked up again with 5 Gs
Found on r/TrippingThroughTime
Therapist: "I think it's time to stop pleasing people and saying Yes all the time. From now on you must say NO. Is it OK ?"
Patient: " euh, hem ... ! "
After seeing some of the things posted on /r/DadJokes lately, I believe it's time for someone to say something.
I dyed my hair blonde yesterday, and this is my first time posting on this sub
It's true what they say.
Blondes have more puns.
My cousin Fred was having a terrible time falling asleep unless he was lying on a pile of old magazines.
It turns out he had back issues.
Did you see the documentary on wearable time pieces?
The god of mischief - high on marijuana - took his time leaving the burning building.
He was a dopey pokey smokey Loki.
I read an article about the guy who sings "Blinding Lights." He has 2 publicists, 3 full-time stylists, a social media manager, and a limo driver all on his payroll.
Seems like everybody's working for The Weeknd.
What is the best time on the clock?
Have I ever told you about the time a cop thought I was bleeding because I had tomato sauce on my shirt?
I guess you could say that the ketchup was a sauce of confusion
My cable service package comes with nearly a hundred channels - I can hardly focus on just one at a time!
I spent a lot of time on this one. Do you think it's overdrawn?
What time is it when an elephant sits on a bed?
Time to get a new bed.
(Same can be said for your mom)
I got my male delivered on time today,
But I was more impressed he fit in the envelope.
I’ve been posting a lot of chemistry jokes lately and they’ve gotten good reactions. I thought I was in my element and could go on forever with them but it’s time for someone else to step up and post some periodically.
I can’t zinc of any more.
Why do I always feel great on Saturdays and Sundays, and sick the rest of the time..?
Maybe I just have a weekend immune system..
why can't motorcycles get anywhere on time?
A first-time golfer pays the course pro for a lesson on 18 holes…
…the pro tells the rookie to tee off first so he can start to analyze his swing and come up with a lesson plan for the round. The first-timer tees it up, stands over the ball with his driver, and to the pro’s surprise, smashes the ball 375 yards with a slight draw tracking right for the hole. The pro stands there mouth agape, shocked.
The rookie notices the ball is headed towards the group in front of them and turns and says to the pro “hey what’s that thing you’re supposed to yell when the ball might hit someone else?”
The pro, still dumbfounded mutters “well it’s too late now”.
The rookie turns back towards the group ahead and shouts at the top of his lungs “WELL IT’S TOO LATE NOW!!!”
I was hanging out with friends on the dock the first time I tried drugs.
I gave in to pier pressure.
First time at a French restaurant I ordered the Napoleon Chicken. My waiter brought me a chicken carcass with no meat on it I said "What's this?". He replied . . .
I have a friend who's a diagnosed kleptomaniac. Every time he comes over, I try to explain why I spend so much time on this subreddit, the puns in the comments are THE BEST. He never seems to get it.
It turns out he always takes things literally
Did you know that cicadas vary their buzz depending on the time of day?
They call it a cicadian rhythm
When she first took on her job as the Tooth Fairy, she had a really difficult time.
She faced a lot of teething problems.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, what?
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I need advice for childproofing my home. I’ve spent so much time, money and effort on it already but
Every time I try to go on a diet...
A chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.
when the contractor completed digging the well on time, both him and client said
The shortest buskers on the underground keep the best time
Cuz they're metro gnomes.
Every time my kids come home from college I compliment them on how patient they’re becoming..and they always get so upset with me.
I don’t see what’s so bad about telling them they’ve “gained a little wait”.
Tried to cheat on a multiple choice exam by getting the answers ahead of time.
Wrote them down on tiny pieces of paper and shoved them up my nose.
It was still so hard to pick the right answer.
Was thinking back on how I could’ve utilized my time better in quarantine, and you know what they say
Every time my guests walk by a portrait of me, they get slobbered on.
Nobody listens when I tell them it's a spitting image.
What has 8 legs and is always on time ?
6:30 is the best time on the clock,
I read an article about the guy who sings "Blinding Lights." He has 2 publicists, 3 full-time stylists, a social media manager, and a limo driver all on his payroll.
I guess everybody's working for The Weeknd.
what's the time when an elephant sits on your bed?
6:30 is the best time on a clock
What time, on a clock, would win?
what is the best time on a clock?
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