I keep calling my wife Delilah even though her name is Delia. I keep calling our lawn "the green, green grass of home". And worst of all, every time I see a cat, I can't help but ask, "What's new, pussycat?"

It turns out I have Tom Jones Syndrome. My doctor says it's not unusual.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2021
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What’s another name for time off from work to have a smoke?

Taking a coughy break.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Keithninety
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2021
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My youngest daughter was diagnosed with scoliosis when she was 5. That’s the same time we began calling her by her middle name, Sarah.

Her first name is Eileen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OverlyGeneric75
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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I write my name in cursive all the time -

It's my signature move.

πŸ‘︎ 304
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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I couldn’t read the name of this bastard who kept sending me letters for the longest time.

Then I learned sign language

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πŸ‘€︎ u/One-Angry-Goose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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Me and my wife were scrambling to leave the house today. I happened to introduce myself to the mailman at the perfect time. His name was Mikey. Just then I turned back inside...

And yelled "HONEY, I FOUND THEM!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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Name something that can be both sexy and scary at the same time.

Boo-bees

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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Every time I enter a room, I write down my name on a piece of paper and stick it behind some furniture.

That’s my signature move.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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These jokes about which name you hear aren’t going to end Laurel time soon.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaggington
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2018
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Alright....time for a classic. The Ceo of Datsun was talking to his other high ranking workers when it had just been founded and said, you have 2 days to come up with a name for our company

The workers in a thick Japanese accent said DAT SOON

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BF1gamerz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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My daughter is 14 and dating. Her boyfriend’s name is Braden, I think..so I just use any B name that comes to mind to annoy her. Braden, Brody, Bradley, Brandon, Bruce, Bryce, etc. Looking for more suggestions! I also talk gangster to her all the time to get her going. Being a β€˜Dad Joke’ Dad is fun!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lachrondizzle23
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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This old guy comes into my job all the time with dad jokes & i have to pretend they are funny. "Can you name 3 cars that start with P?"

"So there is pontiac. Porsche. Packard.. You know what a Packard is, dont ya? Or is that a little before your time? How old are you? So you know what it is then, right?" So he sets up the joke incorrectly by not giving me a chance to name any. But to him, this joke is SO funny, there is no way to make it unfunny. ".. well none of them because they all start with gas." Then he turns and acts like he is about to walk out of the store, like he dropped the proverbial mic. So I feign a half smile & say "yep. Gas. Thats a good one."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dazegoby
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2014
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What is the name of Russia's most famous pop star of all time?

Lady Gagarin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sephjnr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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My name is Nick. My dad told me this all the time growing up

You'll never be penniless, but you'll always be Nicholas..

god dammit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nocnoc9
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
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