You know what's odd? Numbers not divisible by 2

That joke was so bad I can't even

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2021
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I'm unhappy with Prime Day

Amazon Prime day is on the 21st. I personally would not partake of Prime day unless it were on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, or 31st

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chefjeremy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2021
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How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten tickles!

Of course it only has eight of those.

So the first two were test tickles!

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TylerDurdenSEA
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2021
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Every time I post on r/dadjokes, someone comments with a better version of my joke

I guess I suffer from premature ejokeulation

πŸ‘︎ 252
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2021
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I just read an article about a German stealth division from WWII that never had a single casualty

Guess it’s true what they say, you can not hit what you can Nazi

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/turkyman3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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I was going to tell you a time travelling joke

But you didn't laugh

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackichan45
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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During lockdown, I managed to connect virtually with a Lion, Giraffe and Rhino all at the same time.

These zoo meetings are really taking off.

πŸ‘︎ 308
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2021
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My wife called me at work and said β€œit’s time, the baby is coming”

I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!

(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stairsmaster
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
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Pulled a Dad Joke on a Nurse

I am currently in the hospital. I had a back operation yesterday. The surgical nurse came in my room and started asking questions about my back. She asked me if I had any falls during the last year. I responded just one. It was after summer.

She laughed and said in 20 years of doing this she never was told that joke.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rei_920
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2021
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What's the best time of day on a clock?
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2021
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Why are elevator jokes so good

Because they work on many levels

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Fox1984
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2021
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My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.

Well, toucan play at that game.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zayan-ali
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
🚨︎ report
If Apple made a car what would it be missing?

Windows

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moplex1234
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
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2021 is a confusing time...

...because last year was 2020, but next year will be 2022.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2021
🚨︎ report
If I had 50 cents for every math Exam I failed

I’d have $8.40

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2021
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Proud dad moment.

Keep in mind, my son is 4 years old, so everything is an original to him.

I had to work late into the evening yesterday, and he was just going to bed when I got home. I had left home for the office nearly 14 hours prior, had a long day, lots of meetings, traffic, etc.

When I walked through the door, I was exhausted, run down, and starving. My wife hugged me and asked how my day was, and I replied, "Done. It was a good day, but has got me exhausted. I just want to grab a bite and go to bed. I'm hungry."

From my son's bedroom, I hear him shout, "Hi Hungry! Nice to meet you!"

Not only did it make me laugh, but I completely forgot about how hungry and tired I was. I went to his bedroom, and we laughed together about it. It was exactly what I needed.

Edit: Thanks for all the awards, kind strangers! I'll let my son know y'all enjoyed his joke too!

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaBarbaGuapa
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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What was a very common name in the middle ages?

I heard parents named their children lance a lot.

First post please don't kill me

Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
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I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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Did you hear about the time the Queen of England ordered every single non-English person in the UK to be killed?

She got off

Scot-Free

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkkiller1234
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2021
🚨︎ report
where do pirates get their hooks?

second hand stores!

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigus-_-dickus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the best time of day?

6:30, hands down.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klhart
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I've just deleted all the German names off my pre owned iPhone..

it's Hans free now..

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
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I bought a second hand Time Machine next Tuesday...

They don't make them like they are going to anymore

πŸ‘︎ 167
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know baseball was played back in ancient biblical times?

That’s why the Bible starts with β€œIn the big inning....”

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?

10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
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How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buck-an-ear!

I Thank ye kind Matey for the booty! I be truly overwhelmed! Thank you!

Holy cow! Thank you everyone for the upvotes and awards! I wasn’t expecting this!

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/motherduck5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
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Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"

That was the punchline

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $3.00

Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
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I was gonna tell you all a time travel joke...

But you didn't like it!

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bela1994
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My Mexican friend takes anti-anxiety medication

It’s for Hispanic attacks

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/monolocomotive
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke,

but you didn't like it

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clahws
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend used to work for the forgeries division of INTERPOL with a specialization on the trafficking of fraudulent paintings.

He was an artificial art official.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sully1227
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of reptile never gets his jobs done on time?

The procrasti-gator.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyNameIsVoodoo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2021
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I have been asking everyone what LGBTQ is?

So far no one has given me a straight answer.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesumit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I'll tell you about the time I discovered the world's largest mollusk...

It's a little anti-clamatic. I was feeling shellfish so I tried to oyster up out of the water myself, just didn't have the mussel. With the help of a few horses I'd nearly done it, but they freaked at the sight of the thing and scalloped away.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sjmaeff
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do couples always have such a hard time camping together?

It's just two in tents

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sundayisgloomy_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Where did people go to wash themselves in Biblical times?

Bathlehem

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caverypca
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My grandfather recalled the time when he was trapped in a bunker, and explosions were landing right above his head.

He said it was the most violent golf course he ever attended.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I got dishonourably discharged from the Navy yesterday for accidentally boarding a different vessel.

Oops, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a reptile that can tell time?

A clockodile.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jason_Boyd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the chicken that laid the same egg 47 times?

Poor thing had swallowed a yo-yo

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bmanrcol
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I just found out that Albert Einstein existed.

My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BritishTeeth11
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Egyptian pharaohs used to time their flatulence so everyone in the palace would fart simultaneously.

They were required to toot in common.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grahampc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My sister and her husband said they were going to split the prime rib...

The waitress said she was very sorry, but that wasn't possible.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/10kLines
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I still tell Chuck Norris jokes from time to time.

He laughs most of the time.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Po1sonator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2021
🚨︎ report
While driving her home, my daughter asked, "Hey dad what's your favourite album of all time."

Nevermind, I said in a stern voice. After a moment of silence she asked me if I had a bad day (hesitation in her voice). I asked Google to start playing the album.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gherkinstein
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
🚨︎ report
How does bigfoot know what time it is?

He looks at his sasqwatch

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2021
🚨︎ report
New father here.

Our newborn was sleeping on my chest yesterday. She woke up crying. "Woke up on the wrong side of the dad huh?" I said. She stopped crying.... Felt good.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuzzzyLogic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2021
🚨︎ report
6:30 is the best time on a clock.

Hands down.

πŸ‘︎ 356
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
6:30 is the best time on the clock

Hands down

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2021
🚨︎ report

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