Help! This fishy ballpoint is trying to end my life!
The sus pen is killing me!
I put together my entire life savings to start a bakery but it burned to the ground this morning...
Now my business is toast.
This changed my Outlook on life
A man, who is sentenced to life imprisonment, decides to dig a tunnel to escape. He works for many months on this tunnel, and finally finishes it.
He decides to break out during the day, figuring the guards will not suspect this. As he breaks through the ground to the surface, he finds himself in a preschool playground.
He is surprised, but he rejoices anyway, shouting, "I'm free, I'm free!"
At this a little girl approaches him, puts her hand on her hip, and says, "big deal! I'm four!"
An old dev dies. Now this dev has lead an awful life.....
Lying, stealing etc and thinks they are going to hell. The dev gets to the pearly gates and is met by St Peter...... and their worst fears are confirmed when St Peter pulls out 10 books, all labelled with the devs name.
St Peter says "these books are a record of all the sins you have committed. Do you have anything to say in your defence?"
The dev looks down at their feet and says " I did try to be good"
St Peter says "it's ok, you can come in. You've already paid in syntax"
There’s this WWII story about a real life welder who single handily repaired a US Navy destroyer that was about to sink in the Pacific Ocean.
Just goes to show that truth is solder than fiction.
This may not be the right sub for this, if so mods do your thing but my girlfriend, who has worked hard all her life to be a top ranked tennis player, just broke up with me.
I guess love means nothing to her.
I was trapped in a cave, staring at a wall, with this one guy my hole life
We had a very platonic relationship
Spare him his life from this monstrosity
I've served too long behind bars, I didn't choose this life
But anyway, what can I get ya?
OMG this cereal is life!!
Not many know this, but Chewbacca actually led a double life as a boxing champion.
He was as famous for his barrage of punches as he was for his rhyming taunts before a big match.
The called him the Jabberwookie.
I was just reading this story about a guy who went through several tough breaks in life and couldn’t get ahead. One day he just stopped talking and his only way of communicating was through hand and body motion.......
Poor guy turned to a life of mime.
Someone has waited their whole life to write this caption
Had this thought today and had to bring it to life
Is this real life or just a fanta sea?
You’ve never experienced life if you haven’t experienced this
This was an interesting pun from my daily life.
Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?
Figured this belonged here (real life dad joke)
My Aunt immigrated to the UK years ago and works as a teacher. I was talking about the difficulties of teaching my son Sight Words.
Aunt: That's interesting, I have never heard them called that before.
My Dad: Because over there they call them "Soit Wordz Bruv"
I'm in the middle of developing a new game. This guy came to life today and I just love his character so much!
This was the hardest day of my life...
My Viagra pills finally came in the mail.
I wrote this joke during a very dark time in my life.
I have other things to do during the day.
I made an account called “half of all life” just for this pun
Jokes don't have to be original right? Cause I've only made up two jokes in my life. The rest are from things like this subreddit. XD
MOM: Look at all this work! I can't believe I have to be an adult for the rest of my life!
DAD: Not really hon. After 70 you can pretend to be senile, and be a kid again.
If only this worked in real life
"I make the rules in this house, son. You're going to have to listen to me for the rest of your life."
"You mean for the rest of your life, dad."
So I found this talking train and asked it why it just went back and forth on the same tracks for its whole life. It responded saying “the voices in my head tell me to”.
Why this goose got a more interesting life than I do?!
All people now n days are pro life this and pro jared that
My name is Tyler- I've been waiting to say this my whole life
http://imgur.com/IA5u3F0
X post from r/texts/
My dad drained the life out of me with this one
I told him I wrote a paper about Dracula. His response was "Did it suck?"
I'm undead now.
In the car yesterday, my dad told a really dumb pun. For the life of me, I couldn't remember it, so I asked him again this morning.
Me: "What was that really bad joke you told me in the car?"
Dad: "It couldn't have been me"
Me: "It was definitely you, Dad"
Dad: "Nope. I know it wasn't me because I don't tell bad jokes"
Goddammit Dad
"You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life."
"But the wedding isn't until tomorrow, dad."
"I know son..."
This has been my dad's favorite jokes for all 20 years of my life
Dad: What'd the cowboy say when his horse ran away?
Victim: I don't know, what?
Dad: There goes my horse! What'd the horse say when his cowboy ran away?
Victim: There goes my cowboy?
Dad: No! Nothing! Horses can't talk! (dad laughter)
The worst part is once my friends and I caught on and gave "nothing" for the second question, he'd say, "No, he said 'there goes my cowboy!'" so we could never win.
I've been hearing this one all my life.
Me: Hey dad, what time is it?
Dad: Same time it was yesterday 24 hours later.
I've been waiting all my life to post this
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