From my 10-year-old: "Daddy, what has it's bottom at the top?"
"I don't know, bud, what?"
"Your legs."
Well done, kid.
Sad to report the death of the founder of Dulux paint. He died this morning from hypothermia on top of a mountain.
It's been reported he could have done with another coat.
Do you know the top 15 states to live in?
Alaska, Washington, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, & Maine
What happens when chickens lay eggs at the top of a hill?
What does a blind woman say when she gets to the top of the Space Needle?
Nothing, cause she can't Seattle.
Why was the farmer afraid to rescue the cow from on top of the barn?
The steaks were too high.
When I dropped my top-of-the-line Microsoft laptop on the asphalt, I figured it was ruined
Turns out I had barely scratched the Surface.
There is always something going wrong on the top floor of my house.
Id say its a problem-attic
Say what you want about carrot top, but fact of the matter is he’s out there making a living as a comedian
You gotta give him props for that
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
Have you heard about the top secret bakery?
It's on a knead to dough basis
In my my neighbor's home, their huge dog frequently sleeps at the landing at the top of their tall staircase causing a possible tripping hazard. Good advice to them....
Persons in their household should watch their steps, particularly early risers.
Why do these reposts of the butane joke keep getting upvoted to the top?
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Why can’t the number 5 perform sexually when number 1 is on top?
I bet a butcher $20 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf...
He said "Sorry man. The steaks are too high."
I woke up on top of my house this morning, and the last thing I remember was going to the bar...
I’m afraid someone roofied me
I saw a guy drink a bottle of brandy, then fill it to the top with water and screw the lid back on.
He approached a wild ox. The ox looked at him.
The guy said, "Hello, there, wild ox. Would you like to buy this bottle of brandy from me? £50, that is all."
The wild ox mulled it over, before pulling out the money and handing it over to the man.
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have jumped up and yelled, "It's a con, yak!"
Why did the chicken climb on top of the house?
...because it wanted to be a ROOFster.
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
The other day I saw a duck standing on top of another duck’s head.
I put a new shelf towards the top of my fridge
The steaks have never been higher
Mom moves expensive cuts of beef into the top shelf.
Dad: The steaks have never been higher.
I COULD tell you a top secret combination of words which result in the instant death of anyone hearing or reading them..
But then I'd have to kill you.
My friend bet me 100$ I wouldn't be able to get the prime cuts of meat from the top shelf.
I was the top student in my class until my teacher gave me very low marks.
I spent $2000 on a top-of-the-line DSLR camera to take a picture of a beautiful wheat field at sunset...
I just made a list of my top 10 favourite Dad jokes. The first 9 are great but the last one is an absolute cracker
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great
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great
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great
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great
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great
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great
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great
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great
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great
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An absolute cracker
I was carrying a bowl of chili from the kitchen and my dog ran in and caused me to drop the entire bowl on top of him, covering him in chili.
How many animals did the king keep on the top of his tower?
Two prisoners are working in the laundry room on the top floor of the jail.
After a couple hours, the guard on duty steps away to use the bathroom.
The one prisoner says: "Quick, this is our chance to escape. We only have a few minutes so have to work together. You rip bedsheets into strips and I'll tie them into a rope, then we can climb down through the window.
The other agrees, "Got it. I sheet, you knot."
My phone was showing "Battery low". So I placed it on top of the cupboard.
It worked. Can't see the notification any more.
I bought a brand-new top-of-the-line string trimmer of a guy on craigslist for only $20
A woman is running up the front stairs of a church. She asks the boy sitting at the top, "Is mass out?" The little boy looks at her and says...
"No, but your hat's on crooked."
A cop pulled me over. I thought it was probably because of the instagram model riding on top of my car
The cop arrested me for driving under the influencer
Did you hear about the cow that was at the top of her class?
She was really mootivated.
What does the dog on top of the house say?
I shaved the top half of my cat this morning.
He's been furloughed too.
I have a simple standard for dadjoke quality: the joke should not simply be a lame, obvious pun that anyone could think of. So I checked to see if any of this sub's top ten jokes met this standard
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didn’t have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
The captain wanted all sailors of German descent to come out onto the top ship platform and line up...
Once we make it to the top of that mountain...
...it’s all downhill from there
My friend didn’t get why the top of the fence was so sharp
I said to him, “That’s the point”
Have you seen the new show under the big top?
Off the top of my head...
I can't seem to remember where I left my hat.
Just read that ZZ top is the longest running group with unchanged lineup...
It's got me under pressure
How did Sith Lords rise to the top?
I recently visited Washington state for the first time. Much to my surprise, it ended up being a warm and sunny day when I arrived! Put on a tank top, threw on some shades, and picked up an iced latte. I took a stroll through the park near the Space Needle and had a wonderful time.
I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle
Why was the crow not at the top of his class?
Why did the NFL choose to acknowledge OJ Simpson as a part of the top 100 players?
Because he really was a killer running back.
What should be at the top of everyone’s bucket list?
The date you wrote the bucket list.
I was in the pub having a drink when a girl came up to me and said she can show me a good time. So I followed her out the back where she took off her top...
...and she ran 100m in 10 seconds
I have long shelf in my kitchen where i put the meat at the top. It’s safe to say...
I went to the camping supply store and was going to buy a tent but the pegs were on the top shelf...
The stakes were too high.
Data pointing to the database I manage makes for a top tier visual pun.
Why does the new iPhone 11 Max look like a stove top?
For all the Australian’s convenience so they can see the top meme without having to look upside down.
A man and his wife were arguing while walking up the top floor of a very tall building, his wife stopped and yelled to him " you're wrong on so many levels "
Here is my Top 10 list of favorite years from the past decade.
(In chronological order)
2010
2011
2012
2013
2014
2015
2016
2017
2018
2019
I heard that there’s an Australian tea harvested from the tops of Eucalyptus trees
It’s pretty high koala tea
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
The temperature in Motown is Three degrees, Four tops
What are the top two things that improve your hearing?
My grandfather was captured by the Germans in WWII. Being a high-ranking officer, they kept him captive for months but all he would do is sit in his cell saying "tick... tick... tick...". Their top interrogator was sent in to get important information out of him...
When in the interrogation room, he told my grandfather
"vee haf vays of making you tock!"
Someone sawed the top off of a pyramid.
Last night I asked my dog what we should call the top of our house
He just looked at me like he had no clue what I said.
I recently read the top 10 facts about diarrhea
"What's the client's name?" "I couldn't tell you off the top of my head."
A cannibal was walking through the jungle when he came to a clearing and saw a freshly killed elephant lying down with a pygmy standing on top of it, brandishing a big stick and doing a victory dance.
"Have you just killed that elephant?" asked the cannibal.
"Yes," replied the pygmy, "I did it with my club."
"Wow," replied the cannibal. "You must have a really big club!"
"Yes, there are about forty of us!"
A <corrected> homage to the tank top post
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at hi
A 97 year old was at the top of his prime
What are the top two reasons you shouldn’t drink water from a toilet?
Number 1)...and number 2)
The ultimate dad joke a Hollywood could pull would be casting Ryan Gosling as Goose’s son in Top Gun 2.
Why did the mexican take his wife to the cliff top?
My daughter absolutely cannot stand it when her toes touch the top of her shoes!!
She is very clostra-toe-bic.
I work at a grocery store and I accidentally dropped one of the eight cases of soda I was supposed to stock on the top shelf
What are a pirate's top 9 favourite letters of the alphabet?
The I, the R, and the seven C's.
Just had to post something to celebrate breaking 100,000 karma in 10 days less than 7 years as a Redditor.
Thank you everyone!
My friend told me about a new type of yogurt that doesn't have liquid on the top when you open it...
The top ten reasons to procrastinate
An image of the first ever tank top being worn (1948)
What has a bottom at the top?
I bet a butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf
He refused, because the steaks were too high.
I bet my butcher he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said he wasn't going to bet with me.
He told me the steaks were too high.
What’d the dog say to the top of the house?
I have a simple standard for dadjoke quality: the joke should not simply be a lame, obvious pun that anyone could think of. So I checked to see if this sub's top ten jokes met this standard.
Have you all heard about the top secret bakery?
I didn't think so, it is on a knead to dough basis.
My kid couldn’t reach the bowl of meat on the top drawer
Because the steaks were high.
I bet my butcher he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said he wasn't going to bet with me.
He told me the steaks were too high.
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