Two men get on an elevator. On the way to the top floor, one farts. They stand there silently.
As they leave the elevator, the one who farted looks at the other and says “I apologize. That was wrong on so many levels.”
If you need to measure the height of something using a tape measure, find a good one and start from the top down.
Most tape measures don't measure up
An estate agent is selling basements stacked on top of each other. They take me to the one closest to the surface, the penthouse. They say:
>! ‘This is one of our top cellars.’ !<
Got to the top of the north pole the other day. Once I reached it
It just went south from there
Looking at a map, it was determined that the top 12 states to live in are:
Alaska, Washington, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine.
Where does a salad go to find the perfect top?
I went to the top of a mountain once.
That was the pinnacle of what it had to offer.
In my opinion, the best part of skiing is the climb up to the top
It goes downhill from there.
asked the butcher to grab me some of the top shelf meat.
He said he cant, the steaks were too high
My wife said if I don't fix her a filet mignon tonight, she's leaving. I went to the store and they rearranged the meat market so everything is on the top shelf and I can't reach it.
The steaks have never been higher.
Miles Teller, the actor in the new Top Gun movie, had to change his name before joining Hollywood.
His original name was Odometer.
Due to this sub's unending debate about what equals a "Dad Joke", I have my own measure for whether or not to upvote/award... It must be more than some lame, unimaginative, "heard it 1000 times" pun. I just reviewed whether the top 10 jokes off all time from this sub meet this standard, and sadly...
Last night, the maître d' refused to seat me just because I was wearing a tank top.
What happened to my right to bare arms?
Bigfoot used to sleep on the top...
It's surprising that the top of Big Ben has taken 5 years to complete.
They must have been working around the clock.
Scientists wanted to see what would happen if they dropped a bowling ball from the top of the Empire State Building.
It was a groundbreaking experiment.
I'd tell you why I chose to be on the bottom floor rather than the top floor,
but that's another story.
I refuse to throw out the liquid on top of my yogurt.
Some people climb to the top, while others get stepped on.
I bought a new gaming console, but it keeps wanting to alternate between the top and bottom shelves of my entertainment center.
I guess that's what I get for buying a Switch.
I went to the butcher's the other day and bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said:
"No thanks, the steaks are too high."
The top shelf is a myth tall people invented to feel superior
I got a physical yesterday and was stoked to find out I'm in the top 1% of adults!
My blood pressure, weight, cholesterol and lipid levels were all so high doctor told me I'm above 99% of the population in all these metrics.
I'm trying to put together a top level Hide-N-Seek team. The problem is....
good players are hard to find.
The greatest Dad joke ever told: so Moses goes to the top of the mountain and God presents himself and his glory to Moses via the burning bush. Moses is confused though and says to the heavenly father "I'm bewildered, I don't know what to call you?"
So God says to him "Hi Bewildered, I AM".
A man has a goose on the top of a building. What is the easiest way for him to get down?
So if a man who is bald on the forehead is said to be smart, and a man who is bald on the top of his head is said to have been thinking too much, what do you call a man who is bald on the forehead AND the top of his head?
My son tried to open the jar of jokes I hid in the top shelf.
He failed while trying to reach for it, now the jokes on him!
You kids might not know it, but we had an ancient version of a calculator, which we used only to count down the top hits of the 70's.
We called it an ABBA-KISS.
The day before an important meeting I always make sure to fall asleep on top of my watch.
That way I wake up on time.
Sometimes, when I sit on the floor, I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. Then I tuck my head down on top and lean forward.
I had to ask for help to reach my favorite TV dinner from the top shelf of the frozen foods aisle.
The steaks were too high.
I had 10 of my best puns enter a competition to see if they could reach the top 10
I was going to tell a joke about a prisoner transferring from a cell on the top floor to one on the bottom floor...
...but the punchline is con descending.
This may not be the right sub for this, if so mods do your thing but my girlfriend, who has worked hard all her life to be a top ranked tennis player, just broke up with me.
I guess love means nothing to her.
I have a simple standard for dadjoke quality: the joke should not simply be a lame, obvious pun that anyone could think of. So I checked to see if this sub's top ten jokes met this standard.
What’s the best way to guess the temperature at the top of a mountain?
Top tip for Guy Fawkes night: if you use a piece of pig skin to light the bonfire
If you plan on going to Vegas, stay at the Stratosphere tower and eat at their top floor chop house.
It's a high steaks casino.
Traveled to the top of a misty mountain in the Far East to ask the local monk the meaning of life
He said. Many men bite, but fumanchu
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
The Top 12 US states to live in...
Alaska, Idaho, Maine, Michigan, Minnesota, Montana, New Hampshire, New York, North Dakota, Vermont, Washington and Wisconsin.
It's surprising that the top of Big Ben has taken 5 years to complete.
They must have been working around the clock.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No the steaks are too high."
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No the steaks are too high."
Do you know the top 15 states to live in?
Alaska, Washington, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, & Maine
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