I was experimenting with the power grid of my house
The results were shocking
True story: My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
My experiment of cross breeding a hen with a Slinky has failed...
Alas, I've no spring chicken!
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
Why can’t you do Schrodinger’s experiment on the surface of Mars?
Because Curiosity killed the cat.
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
True story: I sent my dad a picture of the loaf of bread I made witha bread machine. He instantly responded with :
My first experience with Preparation H was a little uneasy
but on the hole, it felt good.
american schools are some of the only places you can have first hand experiences with Quadrilaterals and quad-collaterals
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...
Always trying to get the symphony vote.
I had so many rats for the science experiment, I had to assign them letters of the alphabet.
One of them protested, but he was just being a B rat.
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
Last night I experimented cooking some Ribeyes with cannabis oil.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
Little story I remembered of my dad getting me good
I was about 9, local indoor water park had just opened and it had a wave machine! I was in the lazy river with my dad when the sirens came on to let people.know the wave machine is starting, I asked my dad what it was, he told me it means you have to wave and to make sure I was waving when we exited the river, I still look back on it now and think, "you dickhead"
Every time I post on r/dadjokes, someone comments with a better version of my joke
I guess I suffer from premature ejokeulation
I asked my kids if they could come up with a word that had 3 letters of the alphabet in a row?
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
Ever heard of the story of the Rabbit nursery?
Did you ever hear the story of about the gymnast who got a concussion?
A woman walks into a bar.
I've written a stage representation of a story in which all lines are puns, and the stage is covered with the pages of a dictionary...
(true story) My wife asked why I was hiding some baby formula in the closet.
I told her "because it's my secret formula"!
My friend was trying to feed her baby but he was having none of it. I said "Try the Airplane."
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
My 6 year old wanted me to share his joke with you all. What is a horses favorite store?
I was getting a rubdown when the masseuse started really digging into my muscles with a box of Kleenex...
It was my first deep tissue massage.
The shocking truth of why 6 was afraid of 7 revealed here.
7 was a Registered 6 offender.
I've spent all morning trying to think of a quality pun, just to come up with THIS otter rubbish.
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
My wife hit me on the head with a bottle of Concentrated Omega-3 capsules this morning.
I'm okay though.....it was just a super fish oil wound.
My son made a block with six equal sides out of frozen water.
I said "Now that's a nice cube!"
My dad was under a tornado warning today (true story)
Dad: "Yep. My phone just told me to take shelter"
Me: "Do you guys have somewhere to go?"
Dad: "Where am I supposed to take it? Disneyland😜🤟"
I wasn't sure if I could post a screenshot, so this is verbatim lol.
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
(True story): My dad carries a tiny 20$ note in his wallet with him wherever he goes. I asked him why...
(His actual answer): "because you always need to carry a little cash on you."
My 4 year old just came up with this one! What do sheep wear to bed?
In Schrödinger's thought experiment, if you open the box and the cat is dead,
then your curiosity killed the cat.
Not to brag, but I experimented a lot with drugs and sex when I was in college.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
My wife asked me if I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.
I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”
My grandfather just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?”
My grandfather: That’s my hip replacement.
Today on a walk my son was asking about a bunch of plants and stuff, he pointed to one and I said it was a fungi.
Without missing a beat he asks "Daddy, do you know how much room you need to grow Fungi like that?"
I did not know.
So he tells me "as Mushroom as possible!"
So proud.
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
A conversation I had on a dating app. For context, her instagram is mainly pictures of chairs and her name rhymes with chair.
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