The sergeant asked the private to 'stand up straight'.

The private said, "That's a tall order, sir."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KnightmareRival
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/user7618
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Kid: Why do you stand on one leg while you get money out of the ATM?

Dad: I’m checking my balance.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.

Thots and prayers

πŸ‘︎ 662
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/letsgorbg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My son told me the house was cold, I told him to go stand in the corner...

'Cause the corner is 90 degrees.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THOT_Patroller-13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.

He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said β€œWhy were you out all night?” He said β€œHow did you find out?”

She said β€œThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeGoHungaBunga
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The greatest baseball player ever was a guy named Hugh McBealy, and he was most famous for every single time he came to the plate knocking the ball high over right field and into the stands.

He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.

He earned the nickname β€œthe machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.

And the day he retired a reporter asked him β€œHow does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”

Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. β€œWhat do you mean?” He said.

The reporter clarified β€œliterally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”

Hugh looked dejected and disappointed β€œyeah, my greatest failure...”

β€œWhat do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.

Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.

β€œI’ve been aiming left this whole time”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frnklfrwsr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?"

"It was two tired."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PersonWalker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the carpenter do after he wasn't satisfied with his One Night Stand?

He built another one.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?

He nuts and bolts!

Edit: wow! My first Silver. You guys are amazing.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedRocketMan_Y
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone at my therapist’s office hates it when I stand on one corner of the room and blow air at people.

But I’m a big fan.

πŸ‘︎ 286
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two-tired

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MangoAway17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to sit down in my dads truck, but there were some wooden stands in the way. "What do I do?" I asked. He replied:

"Put the horses in the back." I hate the song but it made me laugh

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shromboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the thief say when he was robbing a fruit stand?

Hands up! This is a rob-berry!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
It was so hot yesterday I had to stand in the shade.
πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HuwJon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I can’t stand the local livestock thief...

...he really gets my goat.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BluPrince
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Two British monks set up a small snack stand at the parish fair.

They divided the duties equally: one was the fish friar, and the other was

the chip monk!

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/franksymptoms
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night, there was such an amazing stand-up comedian at the party that we decided to raise our glasses filled with alcohol to praise him.

Our spirits were lifted.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MokshK
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
If you can't stand the jokes around here

then sit

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/et_hanol
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you stand all of the boxers in the world in a row?

The punchline

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TDA_Liamo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend couldn’t stand my obsession with horoscopes. In the end it Taurus apart.

The irony is that I’m a Gemini.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnsobenj
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
She got fired from the hot dog stand...

... for putting her hair in a bun.

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why cant the bicycle stand on one leg

Because it's two tired

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the-dark-stallion
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I wasn't invited to perform on the annual mushroom stand-up comedy show

I guess they must have realized I'm not a fungi.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Abaght
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
You are watching a stand-up comedy and suddenly the comedian sits down

Its a sitcom now

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/muddubooboo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do the Three Stooges sell at a carnival stand?

Curly fries.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
At Bob's retirement party the Director stands up and says "I'd just like to say a word about Bob", clears his throat and then says, "plethora",

Bob turns to him and says, "thank you, that means a lot".

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nomadic187187
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Before the crash, I use to be a a pretty good stand up comedian

Now I'm a sit down comedian.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Sparky_
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Buddhist monk ask for at the hotdog stand?

β€œMake me one with everything.”

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
🚨︎ report
People usually say, β€œlet’s blow this popsicle stand,” when they are at a place where people are cold and have the proverbial, β€œstick up their ass.”
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ForestValkyrie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
"Did you just stand there watching me fall and drop all the laundry?"

"Yes, I watched it all unfold"

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
So I bought a large mammal repellant spray recently, and I absolutely cannot stand the smell!

It's unbearable!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Told my dad I was cold, his response was to tell me to stand in the corner

It’s 90 degrees there

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
When you get cold, stand in the corner of the room ...

It's always about 90 degrees

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mediumbugger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the bicycle stand on its own?

It was two tired.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dudebrostien
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Odinnextgen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?

Because it was two tired.

πŸ‘︎ 125
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired..

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SomeRacoon555
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up on its own?

It was two tired.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/politicalmonster1
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xd_Aayush11
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the bike stand on its own?

Because it was two tired!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lexy-J0y25
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired!

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dani_SF
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My therapist hates it when I stand in the corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people.

It’s annoying, but I’m a big fan.

πŸ‘︎ 258
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on its own?

Because it was two-tired.

Classic

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MoistBands
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report

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