A resident in my building said: "The mulch around those trees should help retard weed growth."

My reply was "I'm sure Weed Growth's parents would prefer to refer to them as developmentally delayed."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sunfistkid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
🚨︎ report
My mom is the resident dad joker.

Every time my dad and I ask her to "give us a hand" with something, she just starts clapping. She thinks it's hysterical every time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rocknrollnerd3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2013
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The CCP monitoring potential COVID positive residents

[Removed]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/throwaway092921
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2022
🚨︎ report
What is the 19th century term for residents of Baghdad whose astrology sign is either Libra,Sagittarius, or Scorpio?

Autumn Men

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TaffyLacky
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2022
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Breaking news: a trampoline was picked up by strong wind gusts and flew into a power substation causing power outages for thousands of residents. The power is expected to be out for several days.

Don’t worry though, we’ll bounce back from this!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sticktime
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2022
🚨︎ report
I took a day trip to my childhood home today. I knocked, and when the residents answered, I explained how I grew up there - and asked if I might come inside to relive some nostalgia. They angrily refused, SLAMMED the door in my face, and threatened to call the police if I didn't leave.

My parents are the worst.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the policeman think it was ok to enter a residence when he thought he heard bird calls inside?

Probable caws.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/douchbagger
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
🚨︎ report
The samurai walked up to the steps of the temple where the emperor resided and committed seppuku in protest of the emperor's actions.

He really displayed a lot of guts that day.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-domi-
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2021
🚨︎ report
A martial artist entered a convent and started tossing the residents around.

He was working on his nun chucks.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nebocsid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I've never minded the winged insects that reside in my footwear.

Shoe fly don't bother me.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/donald386
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
The Egyptian government has asked Cairo’s taxi drivers to drive around and sound their horns in the hope that familiar sounds will help calm the residents following the pandemic.

Operation Toot And Calm β€˜Em will last a week.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
The local seniors care home rejected my offer to speak to residents about the advantages of being young in far-eastern countries...

apparently it is not "appropriate" to talk to residents about the benefits of youth in asia.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sludgemonkey01
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the town that legalised pot but banned alcohol?

The residents were left high and dry.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/somethingcliched
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2021
🚨︎ report
It’s been a few years now since the tragic fire that burned down part of the Cathedral of Norte Dame...

Authorities still haven’t determined how the fire started,but they say one of the residents of the Cathedral has a hunch.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goatmommy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What do residents of the Shire use for birth control?

Anything, really, as long as it's non-Hobbit-forming.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bramley
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2016
🚨︎ report
The retirement center where my elderly grandmother lives has an annual 4th-of-July ball for the residents.

We call it "In Depends Dance Day."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoGators2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2016
🚨︎ report
Someone told me as a kid that huge reptiles reside in the sewers...

What a croc of shit that turned out to be.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikaosol
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2015
🚨︎ report
If there was a city of nothing but hip hop artists where all of the residents were informal or unconventional, promoting new age ideals...

it would be a bohemian rap city.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddidendrite
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2015
🚨︎ report
I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaglehawk2011
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A foreign man was driving around Montego Bay one day…

He passed a resident while going up a dead-end street, then a few minutes later came back down the street and asked the resident for directions. The resident replied, "Sure…

Jamaica mistake?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

Dubai residents don't like to watch the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Long-Afternoon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
A toddler [T] asks his Grandpa [G]: Do you have teeth, pops?

The Grandpa smiled, took a deep breath, and said: "Son, this life has taught me a lot, despite the short stay here... Such as teeth being like the friends around you.

They are always with you, helping you one day and hurting you the next.

You have to constantly wash them, and maintain them on a daily basis.

A bothersome entity would signal an inflammation.

Positive reinforcement, just like a good tooth.

And the tooth that you lose... It's like a lost friend. You ache for a while and then the pain resides as you slowly forget it... But there will always be a void, the void that you can never forget.

And as you see, my son, I have lost each of my teeth.

But why do you ask?

---

The toddler looks up with a tear in his eye and says: "I just wanted to see if I could leave my apple with you until I get back.."

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2021
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My brother in law just moved to Canada

He can’t work until he gets his permanent residency.

My wife said, β€œmaybe he could move pianos for cash, under the table.”

Her dad said, β€œit’s hard enough moving pianos, hows he going to move them under a table?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unmentionable123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
🚨︎ report
A patient was admitted to the ICU last night.

The patient's neurological status was terrible last night when she came in. By morning, she looked much better and was able to communicate with us. While rounding on our patients, the attending asked the resident if the patient looked that much different the night before.

"Oh yeah, it was like night and day."

"Well I know it was night and day, but what about the patient?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bhatbhai
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2015
🚨︎ report
So there's a cemetery next to a block of flats.

Why aren't the residents of that block of flats allowed to be buried in that cemetery?

Because they're not dead

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nobba77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2017
🚨︎ report
He got a bug

I work at an assisted living facility and the other day they were going to be spraying my unit for bed bugs (preventatively). But on the day the exterminator called out sick, and as I was going around informing residents one grinned and said β€œHe got a bug”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/polkinator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
🚨︎ report
"Stable genius"

An original from my dad's Facebook:

Y'know, back in the day, if you said "stable genius," you'd be talking 'bout Mr. Ed. Of course, back then, you'd be talking 'bout an entire horse, as opposed to the rear half that currently resides in the Oval Office.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmutter3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Got dadjoked trying to golf.

In reference to trying to play Bethpage Black

Me: you're a New York resident, so you can book a tee time 7 days in advance.

Roommate: Does the tee time work for multiple people?

Me: yes.

Roommate: So, we can have a tee party?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
🚨︎ report
First Dad Joke. - I got my 92 year old Grandmother at the nursing home with this one.

My wife and I brought our new daughter to meet my grandmother who lives in a nursing home in another state. This nursing home has a cat and two dogs that also reside there. I only saw one of the dogs, but my grandmother told me that the other one has no tail. I asked "why not?" she said "It's mother bit the tail off." - I said "What a bitch!" It took a moment, then she said. "She IS a bitch." - We both laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/libertydan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2016
🚨︎ report
I need some giraffe puns!

Hi, everyone! A while back, I won a large stuffed giraffe in a contest, and it's just been sitting in my basement ever since. However, I've decided to use it to ask a girl to prom. My friends all know me as the resident pun aficionado, so I figured writing out a cute way of asking alongside it would work well. I'm struggling to come up with something, so I was wondering if you guys had any quality giraffe or neck puns I could use. Thanks in advance!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EtherealProphet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2015
🚨︎ report

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