The Prince And Me Puns

But he's adamant.

• If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I?
• Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me?
• Can't spell virus without U and I.
• Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin.
• I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there.
• Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink?
• Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T.

credit: some facebook post i saw.

I went online and saw that a nigerian princess wanted to send me millions of dollars. However, I had to send $100 for handling fees on the check. However, I wanted confirmation. So I had her send me a picture. She did. Now, a princess needs a prince right? So I went online and found a picture of an eligible bachelor prince. Some guy from Jordan. I then took the two images, placed them side by side, and had some photoshopped ceremonial garb.

In otherwords, I married the prints. Of course, I took pictures of the happy event and sent them to the "princess" with the caption "I already married the prints." The scammer didn't reply unfortunately.

Oh MOOgosh. This might just sound like a load of Bull, but please STEER me out.

Deja Moo (Sung to the tune of Fresh Prince of Bel-air)

Now these are puns all about COWS

Their milk gets flipped, churned all around.

And I’d like to take a minute but I won’t stop and prattle

And tell you this story you haven’t HERD about cattle.

In IstanBULL I was born and BRAISED.

In the pastures back then in my HAYDAYS.

Chewing cud, RUMPING round, and making a fuss.

TANNING out so UDDERLY ridiculous.

When a couple of HEIFERS who had BEEF with me

Started BULLying on my Brand , you see.

I got TIPPED over once and my mom got scared

She said you're MOOvin your behind, your butt, your DAIRY Air.

I whistled for a calf and when it came near

Thought she was a babe, but HE was a STEER!

If anything I can say this STEAK is rare

But that Bovine was BO-FINE so I didn’t care!

I got milked a few times, maybe 7 or 8

More like long-gonehorn, than reliable date.

So I CHUCKED out the udder half of the pasture,

Bevo ain’t a cow, don’t got what I’m after.

Fun fact: a Dairy Cow can produce 125lbs of saliva a day.

'Here right, I was walking home from the pub last weekend and you know what I'm like when I'm drunk, singing to myself and stumbling all over the place haha. So I walked up the back road, yano the one with trees and bushes on either side of the road and I was singing away, loving life.

Then all of a sudden this figure dressed in black appeared, I couldn't really make out what it was. I got a bit closer and it ran at me, now you know I'm a hard man but it scared the life out of me! This weird looking man looked up from beneath a dark cloak thing and said 'I AM THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS' so dad goes 'awk for fuck sake, why didn't you say. I'm Marty, I married your sister.''

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

Dave is working at his job at the Time Travel Factory when his partner Bob comes back in his own time machine. "Come quick Dave!" he says "I just got back from the Middle Ages and have met a prince!" So Dave climbs into Bob's machine and they head to the Middle Ages.

They arrive at a castle and immediately meet the prince Bob was talking about. "Your Majesty" says Bob "Allow me to introduce my friend Dave. He works with me at the Time Traveling factory." As Dave bows, the Prince says "It is an honor to meet you my loyal subject. I am a Prince. My mother and father are Queen and King of this kingdom."

"It is even more of an honor to meet you, Your Highness" says Dave. "I have never met royalty before."

"It is indeed a rare honor for most subjects." said the prince. "Because of a strict guideline of pre-arranged marriage and inbreeding, there are only a small number of us around."

"Er...ok..." said Dave. "So tell me Prince, how vast is your kingdom."

"It is most large" said the Prince. "However my population has been dwindling lately. In recent months, I've had to behead a large number of my subjects. It fulfills my bloodlust and desire for authoritarian control by any means necessary."

Clearly uncomfortable, Dave turns to Bob and quietly says "I hate to say it, but this prince you've found is kind of a bummer."

Bob said to Dave "Well what did you expect, I told you. I have meta prince.