I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
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︎ Jan 03 2021
What are your resolution going to be for the new year?
Still on 1080p? or upgraded to 4k already?
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown
So you can start the New Year off on the right foot
Edit: Thanks for the silver
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︎ Dec 30 2020
Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was. She replied βScrew you!β
So I'm pretty excited for the new year!
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︎ Dec 21 2020
What's the best New Year's resolution?
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Donald Trump should drop the ball in Times Square on New Years Eve
He certainly has plenty of experience
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Where did the keys on a computer keyboard went to celebrate new years eve
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︎ Jan 01 2021
I was going to stop all my bad habits for the new year
Then I remembered nobody likes a quitter.
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︎ Jan 02 2021
Its almost the new year.
Hopefully 2021 would be better than last year, but at least we can say hindsight is 2020.
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Starting the new year on the toilet, posting this...
I guess you could say it's a crappy start
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︎ Jan 01 2021
I always get so nervous about the new year.
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︎ Dec 31 2020
In 30 min, the Christmas Island and Samoa will welcome the new year.
For them, hindsight is 2020
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︎ Dec 31 2020
I don't know what to wear to the living room New Year's Eve
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︎ Dec 31 2020
My wife told me to pick up cheese dip for the New Years Eve party.
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︎ Dec 31 2020
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
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︎ Sep 16 2020
My 16 year old son told me I was a simp (probably because I'm looking to get into a new relationship), after I looked up the meaning I told him:
You must be a Simpson then.
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︎ Aug 13 2020
There's a new show on BBC where heroin junkies can determine via experts, how much money they've shot up over the years.
It's called,Cash in the Addict.
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︎ Nov 19 2020
I just heard on the news, Adele has been sent to prison for 8 years
She was charged for setting fire to Lorraine
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︎ Nov 27 2020
Frank: ...girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Jane Spencer:
Goodyear?
Frank:
No, the worst.
(Courtesy of Naked Gun)
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︎ Sep 18 2020
After many years of designing, the government has released a new type of currency made out of herbs.
They spent a lot of thyme on it, but now it's mint.
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︎ Oct 01 2020
According to the new rules this year, NFL players are no longer allowed to have a chicken as a pet.
Itβs considered to be a personal fowl.
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︎ Sep 11 2020
On the news: βnearly 29,000 women have their breast implants removed every yearβ
Me, to my wife: βthatβs stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!β
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︎ May 27 2020
What is the new name of American Idol this year?
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︎ Aug 06 2020
Have you heard about the new game getting released? Itβs AI is 20 years ahead of itβs time, graphics are truly real life, an open world concept where anything you want to do is truly possible. Itβs called:
Go outside and ride your bike
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︎ Jun 25 2020
The new year eve countdown has begun
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︎ Dec 31 2019
Ask me anything about the new year.
I can see it with perfect 20/20 vision
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︎ Jan 01 2020
What does the sun say to the earth every New Year's Day?
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︎ Jan 02 2020
Enough with the βIβll see you next yearβ jokes on New Yearβs!
Those jokes are a decade old now!
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︎ Jan 01 2020
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea.
I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
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︎ Jan 01 2020
I was watching the new year countdown....
and I dropped my dang glasses, but when I looked up suddenly everything was 2020.
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︎ Jan 01 2020
Well, the new year is upon us and that means I have to stick spigots in all my red and black maple trees...
The task always saps my strength.
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︎ Jan 21 2020
When the new year rolls around, I need new glasses.
I need to be able to see in 2020.
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︎ Sep 08 2019
I know itβs not quite the new year yet
but I already cannot wait for 2021 to constantly make βhindsight is 2020β comments until I get punched in the mouth.
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︎ Dec 31 2019
As I move into the new year, my future only seems fuzzy...
I guess I just need a better resolution
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︎ Dec 30 2019
My 3 year old is constantly asking me questions about the new fish we got
He sure axolotl questions!
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︎ May 12 2019
Why will my dad take his glasses off as soon as the clock strikes midnight this New Year?
So he can say he now has 2020 vision.
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︎ Dec 04 2019
There are so many things that I am looking forward to in the new year...
You could say that my vision is 2020.
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︎ Dec 25 2019
The New Year's celebration at Times Square was pretty disappointing.
They really dropped the ball this time.
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︎ Jan 01 2019
Iβm feeling worried about the new year.
I think I have some auld langxiety.
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︎ Jan 03 2019
In honor of the 10 year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death, Kraft foods has krafted up a new salad dressing.
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︎ Jun 25 2019
As the new year was approaching, Watson was out having a few pints with his old drinking buddies
βAh yes, Sherlock fancies himself quite the chef. You really must come visit us for dinner Friday at old 221B! Thereβs no place like Holmesβ for the hollandaise!β
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︎ Dec 28 2018
Every year on New Year's Eve, when everyone's counting down the final 10 seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes
that way I always start the new year off on the right foot
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︎ Nov 30 2018
Did you hear they are trying to get Barbara Walters to host the New Years Eve ball drop?
We will bring in the New Year with "I am Barbara Walters and this is 2020"
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︎ Apr 18 2019
5 minutes into the new year and Dad cracked a joke...
It was -5 degrees out, and he said, βWow! Itβs the coldest day of the year!β
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︎ Jan 01 2019
I will be sitting in the toilet at new years eve 11:59 pm...
I'll be like same shit different year
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︎ Dec 28 2018
My new year's resolution is the same for 2020 as it was in 2019
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︎ Dec 30 2019
The New Year's celebration at Times Square was pretty disappointing.
They really dropped the ball this year.
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︎ Jan 01 2019
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