When life sends you a lemon, squeeze the day.
Did you hear about the frog who took his own life?
The life of a Family Photographer isn't for me.
Every Day I shoot people, I frame them, and hang them
What did the Egyptian crocodile do with the problems in his life?
Nothing, he lived in da-nile
I'm currently reading a book about the life of Henry Ford.
Only two things make me forget about all the shit that's going on with my life. Comedy and......
You know what animal has the hardest life?
Dogs have it pretty ruff.
I realized today the life of a blood cell is truly futile..
After all, it lives its whole life in vein
Before I met my wife my love life was hot like the Sahara desert.
Why was the mushroom the life of the party?
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest 50$ just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".
I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs.
What do they call baby fish going through the change of life?
Whats with the saying "that's how you get ahead in life"?
I was already born with one.
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.
But that sort of thing stick in your mind.
Don't blame others for the road you're on in life.
A wise man once gave me the 3 unwritten rules of life
The light of my life, a future dad:
I asked the dog the other day "How's life as a dog?"
The craziest thing about life
Is that it's just ironic without Lithium
Why didn't the life guard save the hippy from drowning?
Because he was too far out man.
After the exodus through the Red Sea, Moses's staff could no longer perform miracles, and still he kept it beside him the rest of his life...
...he just couldn't part with it.
Son: There's a life-sized "Leg lamp" at the light display! It's like 4 feet tall!
Me: No, it's only one foot.
At the beach, opposite the life guard, a man sleeps on a towel, adjacent an unopened umbrella.
When he wakes up, he's going to be a tan gent.
The vet said our chick has survived through the accident, but his brain was damaged so he’d have to live the rest of his life a vegetable.
Guess we’ll call him Eggplant now
I have been pushing the envelope all my life
But it still remains stationery.
The saddest activity in my life is crushing my Coke cans.
Why did the man get sent back to his home country for following his high school girlfriends life rules?
My sister said I looked like a German composer and musician of the Baroque period, especially when wearing my powdered wig... So I changed everything and it changed my life!
I haven't looked Bach since!
My dad was once playing the Game Of Life.
But strangely, he kept a dictionary as the only other player. I asked him what he was doing.
He said, “Son, in this game of life, you just need to play with words to make a good dad-joke!”
In the life of every tomato there comes a great dilemma
I bought a new shirt today that has the word LIFE printed across the chest
Tomorrow, I’m going to wear it and stand on the corner at an intersection where panhandlers usually are. My plan is to hand out lemons to stopped drivers. When life gives you lemons ...
My rooster is an artist. He draws on plates and I add arms and numbers, but for the life of me I can’t tell if he’s drawing snakes, mountains, teepee’s, etc., so I finally asked him and he said:
Confucius knew the answers to all of life’s questions.
The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion.
Why was mushroom the life of the party?
Most Russian people I know live life to the max
In a freak accident the laboratory sink came to life, made its way to the mad scientist's door and knocked.
My son: Dad, what's the hardest thing you've ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once.
Son: Was that really hard?
Me: It is now.
(This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
What did the Egyptian crocodile do about the problems in his life?
Nothing. He lived in de-nile.
The 3 unwritten rules of life..
the unwritten rule of life
unwritten rule of life...
Why couldn’t the life guard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out, man
The three unwritten rules of life.
The 3 unwritten rules of life.
Dad told me the three most important unwritten rules in life.
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