The Howard Stern Show Puns

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

But Patrick is the star.

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

I was amidship man.

I guess we aren't going to work out

He always quacks the case.

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

Strange...usually Australians boo meringue

Patrick is clearly the star.

But you have to prove your jokes can land.

Star Czech.

Because it was Crypto-night

On the red carp

Three, to be exact.

But I’m keeping it low key.

I guess you could say I’m low key not loving it

It's an solid example.

It was my intermission.

Librarian: "Well, that would kinda defeat the purpose, don't you think?"

Oops, wrong sub.

Reddit.

I heard the Characters suck a lot

It’s about dads who walk around the house all day turning off lights and muttering that they’re “not made of money.”

He didn’t make the cut

It was a late parrot.

She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."

Dancing with the stars

Solid, liquid and gas

...was the first OP.

"Stairs don't talk!"

Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.

I said no, I'm pretty sure they're all buildings.

It’s a play on words.

It was a shitshow.

Thank you and come back necks time

I guess it's worth a shot.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

E.T. Bone Home.

Secretly (when my wife was out), I'd ask her "who do you love more?", and praise her when she said "dadda!". This has been going on for weeks now.

The other day, my wife got home and I wanted to show her my little 'trick'. So I asked our daughter, "Who do you love more?", in which case she replied "dadda!" and ran towards my wife (which is very clearly her favourite btw).

My wife, who didn't care much for the new thing I taught our daughter, bent down and picked her up to cuddle with her. Her facial expression changed a bit, then she laughed. She looked at me and said "well, she ran to me as she said that, and her diaper is full... so clearly she was full of crap when she said that!"

My wife is now in on the dad jokes and won this one!

Edit: Bolded the text to emphasize what part of this story was the dad joke...

Final Edit: My wife was surprised at how much this blew up! She says thanks to everyone, but she has no idea what the awards are for (since she doesn’t use Reddit). 😂

I guess he urned it.

Nevermind, I said in a stern voice. After a moment of silence she asked me if I had a bad day (hesitation in her voice). I asked Google to start playing the album.

I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.

That's when I knew that we weren't going to work out.

but everyone knows the star was Patrick.