The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
My housemates are convinced the house is haunted
I've been living here for 274 years and seen nothing strange.
My wife shouted, "You need to do more chores around the house!" Groaning, I pleaded, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and calmly replied...
"Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."
It's an Archie Bunker! I built a replica of the All in the Family house INSIDE a giant basement in the Sims 4.
reddit.com/gallery/mv4w82
What couldn't the pasta get into his house?
Because he had gnocchi....
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
What kind of slippers does Aquaman wear around the house?
Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.
That way, I always make a grand entrance.
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
The pipes in my house leak
I think they are whistleblowers
Why is Trump not allowed in the White House anymore?
What did the Indian kid say to his mother before he left the house?
Today, on the news, there was an incident in my town where a city bus lost control and landed on top of a house. No one was killed and the city is paying all passengers.
I guess you can say the bus ride was on the house.
There was a mushroom on the first floor of my house.
I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.
Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?
If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
It's a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
What's the safest room in the house during a zombie invasion?
After I dug into the details of a theoretical zombie crisis and the entrances and exits of our home, I settled on the master bedroom.
My son sighs and says, "the living room."
High five buddy, you got me.
What did the beaver say when he saw his house on fire?
I was experimenting with the power grid of my house
The results were shocking
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.
I'm thinking about covering the outside of my house in unhatched chickens
My wife says it will look too boring, but I think it will be egg siding.
What do you call a house that always tells the truth?
What happens to Werewolf's house when its the full moon?
It becomes a warehouse.
Credit to Haldzur, the newest dad in our party.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...
The difference is staggering
It made me sick that my chimney started falling off the house.
Luckily I caught the flue
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
If you ever get locked out of the house, talk to the lock calmly
My wife said if I cleaned the house the reward would be sex.
My goodness, I wonder who with.
None of the other subs seem to appreciate my festive Gingerbread house. Maybe you folks would appreciate it?
The Trump White House is so polite these days.
Everyone there is saying “Pardon me” all the time now.
Why won’t Trump be able enter the White House on January 21st?
I tried renting a bounce house yesterday. The cost was twice as much as last year...
That’s inflation for you!
I started telling my grandkids about how I built my house from the ground up. They complained that that’s the only story I ever told.
Well, children, this is a one-story house.
Why can’t trump go to the White House anymore?
How did the piano get into it's house?
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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