My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
None of the other subs seem to appreciate my festive Gingerbread house. Maybe you folks would appreciate it?
The Trump White House is so polite these days.
Everyone there is saying “Pardon me” all the time now.
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...
The difference is staggering
Which pasta gets locked out of the house? —Technically a wife joke.
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
What’s a drug addicts favourite part of decorating the ginger bread house?
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.
So, I've taken the hint...
I got her a magazine rack!
My kids started dancing while cleaning up the house.
It was some pretty good chore-eography.
Snoopy AKA Snoop dogg AKA the Red Baron has been spotted flying his Dogg house today. It is understood that he defeated his enemies in one fell snoop.
Locked myself out of the house today...
Thankfully, l was able to open the door, by talking to it...
Communication is key.
Some guy on a tractor keeps driving past my house shouting, “THE END IS NIGH!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!”
It might be farmer Geddon.
How can you tell if the Christmas crab has been to your house?
By the sandy claws tracks..... my dad just told my brothers and I that one now. Not sure if it’s been posted already
I play minesweeper while my wife cleans the house...
Because she is dealing with hersweeper
When we came home from the hospital with our newborn son, my wife asked if the house was baby proof.
I told her I thought the baby was the proof himself.
My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of stuff
It is enough to make a mango crazy
It’s only the second day of Hanukkah, and my wife already ate all of the chocolate in the house...
A man is found dead in the desert. Cause of death appeared to be dehydration. The police go to his mother's house.
I walked down this street where the houses were numbered, 64K, 128K, 256K, and 1MB
That was a trip down memory lane.
Why can’t Trump go to the White House?
I was going to cover the windows of our new house with curtains, but my wife came in and tossed vertical blinds at me...
Dunno why the she had to throw shade on my pursuit...
If you ever get locked out of your house just talk to the lock.
Told my dad I took care of getting the propane tanks at the house filled. His response?
I had a priest perform an exorcism for my house, but I never paid the bill....
My wife locked me outside the house coz she got tired of my wordplay jokes
I texted "Oh Pun the Door"
The person who had once kidnapped me got released after serving 10 years in prison. Since then, I secretly follow him to his house every single day without his knowledge.
I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.
I asked my grandfather how he was enjoying the new stairlift that was installed in his house.
He said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
In my house, I'm the boss.
My wife is just the decision maker.
What did the house wear on her date?
A thief broke into a guy's house, stole his stuff, killed the man, and turned him into a large cup…
I have a problem. My wife steals animals from the zoo and hides them in our house.
I tried to bring it up but she didn't want to discuss the elephant in the room.
A dad and son drove by a golf course next to a few houses the son asked “what happens if the ball lands in the house”
The dad said “it’s a home-in-one”
Made pancakes yesterday and the whole house smelled like lavender
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
I was at my parents house over the weekend. As a joke, I swapped all the labels around on their herbs and spices.
They haven’t noticed yet... but the thyme is cumin.
My wife is going through a tropical food craze. There are fruits all over the house!
It's enough to make a mango crazy!
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a magazine rack!
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Why can’t Donald trump have the White House
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