What do the Soviet Union call the little hand on the clock?
A man loses three fingers in a work accident. He goes to the Emergency room and asks the doctor... "Will I be able to drive with this hand?". The doctor replies...
"Maybe. But I wouldn't count on it."
What do you call a hand saw that's under the ocean?
A teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name “Hijkm” she says “I’m sorry, I’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out. A girl raises her hand and says...
“That’s me, and it’s pronounced Noelle”
If a math teacher has 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what does she have?
If I have 6 oranges on one hand and 7 oranges on the other hand, what do I have?
One from my nerdy Bio teacher…What did the Anthocyanin say to the Hand Sanitizer?
Why didn't the Queen wave with this hand?
waves hand
Because this is my hand
If the 1973 film starring Charlton Heston wasn't about processing people into food, but into hand cream,
Would it be Emollient Green?
When you use the bathroom, do you wipe with your left or right hand?
Personally, I use toilet paper.
A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. A boy at the back puts up his hand and says "G". The teacher says,
Where did the pirate get his hook for his hand from?
You would think he got it from the secondhand store, but he actually got it from a yaaaaarrrrd sale
A man on a plane has a life threatening emergency, the crew asks if any doctors are onboard. A doctor of mathematics raises his hand and they ask him to help. He assesses the situation, what does he say?
Why did the inventor of super glue always have the same pen in his hand?
It was something that really stick with him
If you have a mothball in one hand and a mothball in the other hand, what do you have?
I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.
A pianist cuts his hand on the notes B, D, and F#. He goes to the doctor and tells him this.
The doctor says The damage looks to B minor.
Two wrongs don’t make a right but three lefts on the other hand…
The Pope is handing out miracles to kids. Billy walks on stage and asks him, “can you help me with my hearing?”. The Pope says “Yes” and puts his hand on Billy’s ears and prays. He removes his hands and asks, “How is your hearing now?”
Billy says, “I don’t know, it’s not until next Wednesday… “
“Why doesn’t the president wave with this hand?” *waves left hand*
My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread.
My pregnant wife hobbled into the hospital with one hand on her back.
A nurse asked her what’s wrong, and my wife screamed, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!”
The nurse shook her head and said, “I’m sorry…I don’t understand.”
My wife’s face contorted in pain as she shouted, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!”
The nurse, bewildered, turned the doctor.
“Admit her,” the doctor said. “She’s having contractions.”
"How do you want to die?" She asked, standing over me with the weapon in her hand. "Making love." I replied.
Every time I play tennis, the racket just slips out of my hand.
I’m still trying to come to grips with the problem.
Everywhere I look, that severed hand from the Addams Family is there, running around, pointing at objects...
I dunno, maybe I'm just seeing Things
Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: "Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!" The teacher replies: "Not until you say the alphabet."
So Little Jimmy recites: "ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ" The teacher raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me," she says, "but where's the S, H, I and T?" Little Jimmy just sighs. "...In my pants..."
I'll play a card game with you, but only if you let me hand out the cards.
I want to make sure we're playing under I-deal conditions.
Wife: A bird in the hand is better than a pair in a bush.
Talking about shrinkflation, I told my daughter that 30 years ago the toilet paper was bigger than my hand!
Then I explained my hand was smaller then too.
If by the wave of a magician's hand you fell off a cliff...
...you've entered the ledger domain.
How did the hipster burn his hand?
He changed a lightbulb before it was cool
The left-hand side of the sheep grows white wool. The right-hand side of the sheep grows black wool.
Which side of the sheep grows the most wool?
>!The outside.!<
I shot a bullet into the air and it hit my hand.
On one hand I’m really happy that it didn’t hit my head and kill me, but on the other hand I have a big gaping hole now.
a carpenter gets his ear sliced off on the job site. all his co-workers are desperately searching for it and finally after an hour of looking he hears a guy shout "I've found it!" as he races up to hand it to him he says...
Nah that's not mine. My ear had a pencil behind it
Did you hear about the guy who got a royal flush on the final hand of the World Series of Poker main event?
my kids only want the "fun" hand soap that smell like cupcakes or super berry blast or whatever
I was in the kitchen making some food the other day when I accidentally cut my hand.
Next time I'll be more careful handling the sharp cheddar.
I was going in for surgery to remove a cyst in my hand yesterday, and I asked one of the nurses if I'd be able to play piano after recovery.
She said yes!
I replied: "That's great, I've never been able to play before!"
The eyeroll I got back made me think she was thinking back over the Hippocratic oath to determine whether she could smother me with a pillow or not.
Did you hear about the guy who stole 50 cartons of hand sanitizer?
They couldn’t prosecute - his hands were clean.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you
If you have 6 oranges in one hand and 7 lemons in the other, what do you have?
I can count on the fingers of one hand...
>!...the fingers on my other hand!<
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