The Flex Puns

Flex shoes; they make him go Phil Swift!

It’s a Re-flex.

I (old, fat bloke) am on holidays in Bali, Indonesia. I walked to the shopping center food hall and so am drenched in sweat. Young kid from family beside me (practicing her English) says "you are hot!". I said, "thank you, I work out" and flexed a bit. Embarrassed silence for 10 seconds, until teenage sister says (in local language) "Oh, Blah Blah.. (I assume it was an explanation)... Blah, DAD JOKE". All the kids let out groans and roll their eyes. I then did my best international dad laugh.

We don't have any kids yet, though my husband - I believe, is prepared. It was after dinner he had this seafood concoction that contained rice, chicken, shrimp, and mussels. Anyway, he was super full afterwards and pushing hid belly out. The conversation went as follows:

Me: Full huh?

Hubby: yeah, (points to stomach) the shrimp is here, chicken here and rice here.

Me: What about the oysters (I don't eat seafood, please don't hate me)

Hubby: You mean mussels? (Proceeds to flex) All over!

Edit: hopefully spacing-posting on my phone.

There is a CVS about a 5 minute walk from my house that I like to get my convenience shopping done at with these auto-checkout kiosks that always lock up. I scanned my drinks and like clockwork the machine started beeping that somebody would be available to assist me shortly; the machine had locked up. A young girl scans her ID to bring it back to functionality and asks if I needed any further assistance.

I pointed to my reflection in the window and said "No thanks, I'm going to finish checking myself out and be on my way" and flexed a bit

It took her a second, but once the guy in the photo department started cracking up she got it. I laughed all the way home.