Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
Why were the pirates cutting school?
When cooking and cutting food, I never use the stuff that gets stuck to the side of the knife.
Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?
Because she didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.
My grandfather just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?”
My grandfather: That’s my hip replacement.
Just another example of my “cutting wit!”
When my aunt Penny died she hadn’t cut her hair in 20 years, when we took her to the crematorium it turns out they charged by weight and we couldn’t afford a receptacle for her ashes. I learned an important lesson that day.
A Penny shaved is a Penny urned.
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
Changing a dollar bill to quarters by cutting it into four pieces
Why did the Mexican man end up in the emergency room?
Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off?
How does the Moon cut his own hair?
What did they use in the biblical days for cuts and scrapes?
The police pulled over a semi going 120 mph on the interstate. Upon opening the trailer, they found thousands of ancient cutting tools similar to an axes but with the cutting edges perpendicular to the handle rather than parallel.
I bought an onion. Cutting it burned my eyes so badly I went back to the store to complain.
Once upon a time a had a pair of jeans that I cut off at the knee in summer.
There you go, a short story.
Why did the 2 x 4 get sent to his room?
It was knotty! Hey YO!!!! (I really am sorry…)
For my birthday my brother bought me an elephant for my room.
I said "Thanks." He said "Don't mention it."
What do you get when your butcher dances while cutting up your beef?
A chef cut himself and went to the emergency room...
The nurses patched him in triage and after a long wait, the doctor called him in. "You'll take about eight stitches and be on your way." The chef replied, "I can tell you're all very busy here, so just hand me the needle and I'll be on my way." The doctor looked by turns insulted, annoyed and dismissive.
"Fine then. Suture self."
A man wearing scrubs walks into the room of a woman about to give birth
A man wearing scrubs walks into the room of a woman about to give birth.
The woman asks: "Are you the nurse or the doctor?"
The man replies: "I'm the delivery guy."
How do you cut down the Roman Empire?
What does the doctor have to cut off of a baby exercise machine?
This pun is a Cut above the rest
Did you hear about the guy that went to the emergency room because he shoved 26 toy horses up his @ss?
Don't worry… his condition is stable.
What does a toxic person say when they leave the room?
I am at the waiting room of the doctor’s office, wondering when my girlfriend’s checkup will be over.
Sitting at the Doc of the Bae, wasting time.
The other day I walked into my son's room and found him with an open first aid kit, preparing to stitch up a cut on his forearm.
I told him to stop and that I would take him to the doctor for a more rofessional job. He told me he wanted to do it as he was working on his first aid merit badge for the boy scouts. So I said, "Suture self."
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
The vet cut my dog's tail off and told me...
If it weren't for the t.v. and refrigerator being in different rooms....
I'd never get any exercise.
Came to the living room and found the TV screen was white.
"Who's watching Peace TV?"
I asked the baker if it was hard cutting the cake into equal slices
He said, "It's a piece of cake!"
Supposedly the best way to cut a grapefruit is to supreme...
But for me, it completely lacks a peel.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
How does the moon cut his hair?
How does the moon cut it's hair?
How does The Moon cut his hair?
Did you hear about the guy who had the left side of his body cut off?
How does the moon cut its hair?
How does the moon cut it's hair?
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side cut off?
How does the moon cut his hair?
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