My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
People were creeped out by the backwards version of Fur Elise coming out of Beethoven's grave
Turns out he was just decomposing.
The police are coming to arrest me for making lewd and childish innuendos?
I hope they don't expect me to come quietly.
I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...
Always trying to get the symphony vote.
My dad was ready to roll in on the jokes when coming to pick me up after school in his "DIY self-driving" car. Everyone knows though...
I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why I’m not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
“You just haven’t been cutting it lately.”
So with the new iPhone 13’s coming out this year they decided to change the charger name
It’s now called Apple Juice
I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.
Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?
The hardest part for someone when coming out
Saying it with a straight face
Coming this fall to CBS, a new sitcom about a pair of actresses living in the 17th Century...
It’s called “2 Baroque Girls”.
Why did the ghost keep coming back to the library?
He went through the books too quickly
What did Tarzan say when he saw elephants coming over the hill?
"Here come the elephants coming over the hill"
After checking the delivery tracking app, my wife yelled in a fit of rage, “now my package isn’t coming for another 5 days!”
I replied, now you know how I feel.
Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.
They’re going to call it the iAye
Did you hear about the locksmith convention coming to town?
I hear they've got the keynote speaker locked up.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
As this year is coming to a close, I find myself thinking about all the things I would have done differently.
Seems like I got 20/20 hindsight.
I was stood in a field the other day wondering why the frisbee coming towards me was getting bigger
The ad said the Hulk is coming to town.
I read it on the Bruce Banner.
Julius Caesar was coming out of McDonald's. Brutus asked him if he liked the burger.
Caesar nodded in the affirmative and then added "ate two, Brutus."
(My dad actually texted me this joke this morning. I’m 31 years old.)
He didn't see the baby coming
Why did the ear itchiness keep coming back after being scratched?
The Star Wars series is coming out with a female villain
She'll be able to use the force to raise and lower things.
Her name will be Ella Vader
The local news had a story on wildebeests coming to a screeching halt...
Pirates of yore would get a treasure chest off a looted vessel and often hear voices coming from the chest saying "yoo hoo!"
My wife yelled, “Hey, the sun’s coming out!” So I wore my shorts and flip flops and came downstairs.
Found my son holding hand with his boyfriend.
MC-Dino coming for the feminists...
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
My wife started coming down with the flu, and I asked if she'd had some citrus. "Oh, I forgot," she said. To which I replied:
"Orange you glad I reminded you?"
" Hey, did you know the Black Panther 2 is coming out soon" said my friend..
"Wakanda movies is it?" i asked
If you're American going into the bathroom and American coming out, what are you in the bathroom?
What do you get the kids when the Easter bunny is coming?
As a lad, I was always afraid of water coming from the ground...
I'm coming up with knot designs shaped like letters of the Alphabet.
As we continue to deal with the mask wearing, social distancing and uncertainty through the coming weeks, we can’t lose sight of how important it is to continue taking these precautions.
As much as it sucks, it’s better to be safe than SARS-y
I don't get how Russians didn't see the demise of the Soviet Union coming
There were red flags all over the place
There’s a new film coming out about the incorrect use of tow bars on cars..
The trailer just dropped.
NBC is coming up with a docudrama about the life of Abraham Lincoln.
The finale will be shot before a live audience.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy
I killed the guards for internet to post this,they are coming soon,1 upvote= 1 dies
My co-worker told me The Weekend is coming to Vancouver this year.
I told her the weekend comes to Vancouver every 5 days.
“The Queen is coming. Please wear your family coat of arms.”
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
My wife saw it coming. The cashier did not.
While shopping with the wife today, we found a Lego set on our niece's wishlist that was even cheaper than Amazon. So, naturally, we jumped on it. Going through checkout, I looked at the box, then I looked at my wife. All I said to her was that I hope she would forgive me for what I was about to do. Her response: "don't you dare."
Fast forward 15 seconds, and it's our turn in line. As the cashier is about to scan the toy, I pointed out that the set has 446 pieces. "Is that ok for the 10 items or less line?" My wife quickly told her to ignore me.
I need help coming up puns with the name Fiona
All I can think of/find is shrek jokes and "The owner/Fiona" puns. It would be great if you guys can help.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
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