I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why I’m not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
“You just haven’t been cutting it lately.”
I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.
Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?
Coming this fall to CBS, a new sitcom about a pair of actresses living in the 17th Century...
It’s called “2 Baroque Girls”.
Why did the ghost keep coming back to the library?
He went through the books too quickly
The hardest part for someone when coming out
Saying it with a straight face
What did Tarzan say when he saw elephants coming over the hill?
"Here come the elephants coming over the hill"
Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.
They’re going to call it the iAye
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
As this year is coming to a close, I find myself thinking about all the things I would have done differently.
Seems like I got 20/20 hindsight.
Did you hear about the locksmith convention coming to town?
I hear they've got the keynote speaker locked up.
I was stood in a field the other day wondering why the frisbee coming towards me was getting bigger
The ad said the Hulk is coming to town.
I read it on the Bruce Banner.
After checking the delivery tracking app, my wife yelled in a fit of rage, “now my package isn’t coming for another 5 days!”
I replied, now you know how I feel.
Julius Caesar was coming out of McDonald's. Brutus asked him if he liked the burger.
Caesar nodded in the affirmative and then added "ate two, Brutus."
(My dad actually texted me this joke this morning. I’m 31 years old.)
He didn't see the baby coming
Why did the ear itchiness keep coming back after being scratched?
The Star Wars series is coming out with a female villain
She'll be able to use the force to raise and lower things.
Her name will be Ella Vader
The local news had a story on wildebeests coming to a screeching halt...
Pirates of yore would get a treasure chest off a looted vessel and often hear voices coming from the chest saying "yoo hoo!"
MC-Dino coming for the feminists...
My wife started coming down with the flu, and I asked if she'd had some citrus. "Oh, I forgot," she said. To which I replied:
"Orange you glad I reminded you?"
My wife yelled, “Hey, the sun’s coming out!” So I wore my shorts and flip flops and came downstairs.
Found my son holding hand with his boyfriend.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
" Hey, did you know the Black Panther 2 is coming out soon" said my friend..
"Wakanda movies is it?" i asked
What do you get the kids when the Easter bunny is coming?
As a lad, I was always afraid of water coming from the ground...
I'm coming up with knot designs shaped like letters of the Alphabet.
If you're American going into the bathroom and American coming out, what are you in the bathroom?
As we continue to deal with the mask wearing, social distancing and uncertainty through the coming weeks, we can’t lose sight of how important it is to continue taking these precautions.
As much as it sucks, it’s better to be safe than SARS-y
There’s a new film coming out about the incorrect use of tow bars on cars..
The trailer just dropped.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy
I don't get how Russians didn't see the demise of the Soviet Union coming
There were red flags all over the place
NBC is coming up with a docudrama about the life of Abraham Lincoln.
The finale will be shot before a live audience.
My co-worker told me The Weekend is coming to Vancouver this year.
I told her the weekend comes to Vancouver every 5 days.
I killed the guards for internet to post this,they are coming soon,1 upvote= 1 dies
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
“The Queen is coming. Please wear your family coat of arms.”
Maybe Jesus is coming back in the year 2020
As the Bible says, “Every eye will see Him”
Glass urns coming to the market now. How well they will sell? Remains to be seen.
"Dad, will you be coming to the baby shower?"
"I'd prefer a full size shower, thanks"
I drew £30 out of the ATM earlier. A couple of minutes later I heard the sound of 'Nessun Dorma' coming from my wallet.
"Must be those three tenners" I thought to myself
My wife saw it coming. The cashier did not.
While shopping with the wife today, we found a Lego set on our niece's wishlist that was even cheaper than Amazon. So, naturally, we jumped on it. Going through checkout, I looked at the box, then I looked at my wife. All I said to her was that I hope she would forgive me for what I was about to do. Her response: "don't you dare."
Fast forward 15 seconds, and it's our turn in line. As the cashier is about to scan the toy, I pointed out that the set has 446 pieces. "Is that ok for the 10 items or less line?" My wife quickly told her to ignore me.
Star Wars / Back to the Future crossover bio pic coming soon
I was coming up with a good joke on the subway.
But then I lost my train of thought.
I need help coming up puns with the name Fiona
All I can think of/find is shrek jokes and "The owner/Fiona" puns. It would be great if you guys can help.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
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