Comic sans
A Lot
... probable caws.
FINAL FORM! DAD'S UNITE! OUR TIME HAS COME!
My Mom (yelled from another room in the house directed at my brother): Are you studying, Bob?
Me (Yelling back): Why would I study bob?
My whole family groaned from various rooms.
They needed a new branch manager.
Smoking is such a turn off.
He figured he needed antibodies
He polished them.
It was a cents-less crime.
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
I think they're a bit shellf conchess
Gneiss
It was a slick performance.
Chickens... All of them have at least one buck.
Everyone kept telling him he needed to "pare it down"
My wife insists I need to find a hobby that’s not soda pressing
He had a vice vise vice.
It helped him put the squeeze on suspects.
He sold his sole for rock'n'roll.
I responded, "It's none of your bee's knees."
He had a lot of time on his hands
... because it was a Bee movie.
When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans
It's a web-cite.
I handed her the dictionary.
The prose outweighs the cons.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
The Mildewey Decimal System.
When she arrived at the zoo she went to see her manager and asked what she should do, the manager told her to first go feed the sharks, so she went off to feed them. Whilst she was shovelling the food into the pool a shark jumped out of the water and tried to bite her, as a reflex she hit the shark with the spade and the shark died. Worried about losing her job this soon the woman started brainstorming what to do, eventually she decided to feed the dead shark to the lions thereby removing all evidence and so that is what she did. Shaken but glad she had avoided detection the women went back to see her manager and asked if there was anything else that needed doing, she was told to go and clean out the monkey cage.. So off the woman went with a wheelbarrow and shovel to clean out the cage, as she was shovelling the poop into the barrow a monkey jumped down from the tree towards her! As a reflex reaction the women smashed the monkey with the spade and it lay dead. Thankfully she knew just what to do and so she threw the monkey into the lion cage. Shaken and ready to go home by now, the women went to see if there were any final jobs that needed doing: she was tasked with collecting the honey from the bees. So she got changed into her protective gear however she forgot to tuck in the back of her shirt so when it came to doing the bees, one particularly large bee came and stung her right on the behind! The woman screamed and started whacking the bees until many lay dead. By now she didn’t even have to think.. she collected the dead bees and threw them in the lion cage before going home for a quiet evening.
The next day there was a new lion in the lion cage. The new lion said to the other lions “so what’s the food like here??” The other lions responded...
“Actually it’s quite good. Yesterday we had FISH, CHIMPS and MUSHY BEES!”
Drifting down the alphabetised rock section, nothing really appealed to me from A-M. Disappointed, I moved around to the other side of the rack when suddenly I felt uplifted, content and at one with the universe. I had reached Nirvana.
One bee keeper the other be reaper.
He's a huge bilbophile.
They were sedimental
A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.
As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.
Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.
Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.
We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."
He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.
Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....
Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.
Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"
Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.
He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."
He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"
Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."
Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"
"Yes you are"
However, I still hold The Grudge.
Everyone was taken aback.
I need to catch some Zs.
I told them I search for women on the internet because I have a wierd kink. The best way to put it - I browse for women.
With friends like these who needs animes.
It's the best place to pick up chicks.
Remember, only come here for cringe, Because this is the ultimate Pun Collection.
- What does McDonalds say to the tray when it betrays them? "You traytor!"
- Does Spider Man live in an egg? Because i heard he lives in New Yolk.
- These puns aren't very eggciting.
- lettuce taco bout it?
- I will asalt you with puns!
- What if your problem involves telling a phone? JUST TELEPHONE ALREADY!
- What if Jake stands close to Johnny when talking? He Here's Johnny!
- Stop asalting my hard with your judging pursesonality!
- I'll play the Yandere Simulater later.
- You herd about that show? It's called Spongebob Swearpants.
- Why did you diss stew me? (kinda hard to get, but just say it out loud.)
- What does someone say sarcastically in the middle of an intense war that was caused by someone? TANKS TO YOU!
- What type of plane that loves bounce? Boeing!
- How many money did we owe? It said it on the letter right? I don't know, you should've reddit!
I'm sorry for the cringe...
He was out standing in his field.
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great
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great
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great
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great
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great
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great
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great
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great
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great
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great
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fucking gold
Because he’s taking it to otter space
I got vinyl flooring & vinyl siding
When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said “My yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.
With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.
Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnson’s door to collect his hundred dollars.
“All finished, that’ll be one hundred dollars”!
Noticing there wasn’t a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.
“Now little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porch”?
“I sure am! Oh and by the way that’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari”!
"That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."
What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.
My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit ➡Joplin, and collect some Maple Leaf Rag from the back yard.
..but I never could find the 4-0-4.
when coincidentally another geologist passes by. These 'gems' catch his eyes. His curiosity becomes anger and he exclaims,
"I just had a few prized finds of my own go missing a few days ago. Where did you get these!?".
The other geologist replies, "Well, that's none of your Bismuth".
"Philogelos" or "The Laughter Lover" is a collection of 265 ancient Roman jokes, written in the 4th century AD. Some of them feel... very appropriate for this sub:
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A boy caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The boy expressed his amazement: "How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!"
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When a boy was told by someone, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance and waited for it.
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A boy checked in on the parents of a dead classmate. The father was wailing: "O son, you have left me a cripple!" The mother was crying: "O son, you have taken the light from my eyes!" Later, the boy suggested to his friends: "Well, if he were guilty of all that, he probably deserved to die!"
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A boy came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had 'departed', the intellectual replied: "When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?"
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A boy had been at a wedding-reception. As he was leaving, he said: "What a wonderful ceremony! I pray that your next marriages are as enjoyable as this one."
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A man met his friend in the street, who said: "Congratulations! I hear that you've got a new baby boy!" The man replied: "Indeed, but I'm still trying to find the father!"
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A man saw a eunuch talking with a woman and asked him if she was his wife. When he replied that eunuchs can't have wives, the man asked: "So is she your daughter?"
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A man was being heckled by a friend: "I had your wife, without paying a dime!" The man replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?'
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An incompetent schoolteacher was asked who the mother of Priam was. Not knowing the answer, he said: "Well, I suppose it's polite to call her Ma'am."
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A man, just back from a trip abroad, went to an incompetent fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father." When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years, the reply came: "Ah, then you must have no clue who your real father is!"
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A misogynist paid his last respects at the tomb of his dead wife. When someone asked him, "Who has gone to rest?," he replied: "Me, at last!"
You can find more here and [here](http://publishing.y
... keep reading on reddit ➡I know this isn't normally what we do on here, but these are just too good not to share.
IMPORTANT EDIT - THIS IS NOT MY WEBSITE. IM NOT CROSS PROMOTING, JUST WANT TO SHARE THE GLORY OF THESE WITH THE DADS OF REDDIT
...and he had to use one of those pens on a chain. But he was standing too far away from its anchor and the chain didn't reach the signout form.
He looked up at the librarian and said,
> Do you have a pen with a longer chain?
Dad - Guess you could call that a tick sheet
Kid: What?
Dad: The singer was a good looking fellow, and his friends danced on the walls
Kid: What?
Dad: The singer was well dressed, and he kept taunting me
Kid: What?
Dad: He was so rhythmic and his baritone voice was so smooth - but he kept taunting me
Kid: What are you talking about Dad?
Dad: The singer! He said he would lend me some, but not all of his Pixar DVD collection
Kid: Who was this singer?
Dad: Rick something
Kid: Rick something?
Dad: Rick something, and he said he was never going to give me Up
A young woman was rummaging through her grandmother’s belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, Rick Astley appeared before her and said, “I will give you three wishes.”
She thought for a moment and said, “For my first wish I would like to end world hunger.” “An admirable request. Consider it granted!” Rick said.
“For my second wish, I would like world peace.” “Ah, this is a very difficult request, but it has been done. And for your final request?”
She thought for a moment and decided to make this a selfish wish. “As a movie buff, I would like a copy of every movie in the world in my own private collection.” The genie a bit taken back . . . . paused and said, “This I cannot do . . .” “Why!?” The women exclaimed. “ You can fix world hunger and end all wars, but you cannot complete this simple task?!” The Genie looked away and said, “I can, but your collection will not be complete . . . you see . . . I’m never gunna give you Up!”
The meowfia.
You guys didnt know the collective noun for cats is "clowder", right?
...so he called in his court wizard to devise a means of defense. The wizard set to work at once. First, he wove a net, tightly so that nothing could escape. Then he traveled to the nearby lake.
For three days, he went to the edge of a dock, and cast his net into the water. Each time, he collected many small fish, until he had gathered thousands.
He then took the fish to his study, and carefully processed them, crushing them into a sticky paste. Warming the paste, he began to lather it across the walls of the maze.
When the king learned of this, he was very angry.
"How dare you cover my walls with fish paste!" he said.
The wizard replied, "But sire, everyone knows to protect a labyrinth, one must use a minnow tar."
A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did he come from?" The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish. The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks. “What just happened?!” the guy asks. His friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"
Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building.
A mom asked “Is this Nursing school harder to get into than others?”
Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying “Nah, the door’s not that heavy”
Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.
In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.
Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.
A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!
But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.
Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.
He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.
As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.
Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.
"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"
Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.
"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are
... keep reading on reddit ➡What did members of the Politburo wear to keep cool in the summer?
A: Lenin suits
What did the Soviet General Secretary say when he slipped and fell on ice in front of the Kremlin?
A: That'll leave a Marx!
What did the Commissar say to the workers on the collective farm when they slacked off?
A: Stop Stalin and get to work!
What did the Chinese President say when he stubbed his toe?
A: Mao! That hurts!
An officer in the Iranian army is talking to a subordinate.
The officer says, "Private, I think it's gonna rain."
The private says, "You think so, sir? The sky is completely clear and the sun is shining."
20 minutes later it starts to rain, a total deluge ensues.
The private says, "That was an amazing prediction, sir!. It did rain!"
The officer looks at the private, pats him on the shoulder and says, "Private, Ayatollah you so."
There is this black guy who details cars in our parking lot for the surrounding businesses. My boss was coming back from lunch and noticed this gentleman needed help starting his client's car, so my boss got his cables out and gave the man a jump. When he told the office this I said "Thank you for putting an end to the stereotype that white men can't jump." Everyone gave a collective "ugh!"
Reddit, I need your collective minds to create puns based on a certain word, which is below. The pun that Reddit and I both enjoy most will be broadcasted for the world to see. Have fun!
WORD: Flour
My grandfather was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.
For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.
When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.
Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
I play indoor soccer with a group of guys every Thursday night at the local church. We play for fun so we have some ground rules so it doesn't get too aggressive. One of the guys went for a slide and scored a goal everyone was quite upset at this knowing we had already established that sliding, especially indoor, was not allowed. While everyone was arguing whether the goal counted or not I responded with, " I think we can let that one slide." Collective groan from many, many others allowed it.
Grandfather (shouting loudly): Dad we are all about to sit outside in the garden. Where is best for you to sit? Great Grandfather: On my bottom.
Collective groan from the family...i'm the only one laughing.
Son: “what kind of bear never gets hot?” ... Son: “-a kool..alla “
Daughter: “what do you call a witch you’ve never met?” ... Daughter: “hermione stranger”
Wife: “what do you call a squishy collection of domiciles?” ... Wife: “mush room”
Daughter: “what do you call a Canadian cow?” ... Daughter: “moooooose”
Me: “what beverage do you get when you remove a baby cow from its Mom?” ... Me: “decalf”
I also submitted my joke about the earthquake, like a letter gone international (it’s in another post) or a wayward string gone rogue (in another thread)
I have the best family.
We were talking about American Sign Language and a few of us were showing what signs we knew. My coworker shows us the sign for milk, which is a motion as if you are milking a cow. He asks if we know what it means, and a few of us respond "milk." Then he does it again as he passes his hand in front of his face and asks, "How about this?" Everyone is stumped. He replies, "Pasteurized milk", everyone thinks about it for a few seconds, then lets out a collective groan.
The other day my wife went out to the store and bought something. When I got home she immediately started bragging about it to impress me.
Wife: Honey come to the kitchen
Me: ok, what for
Wife: I got something pretty cool (Goes into the kitchen) Me:So what am I looking at
Wife: I got a glass container collection, and its brand name too Plexiglass, isn’t it awesome?
Me: so you wanted to show that off to me?
Me: Weird plex but okay
I have a course in religious symbols at university, and we had an assignment to go around town and take pictures of random religious symbols we would stumble over. Next lecture the Professor had made a collection of the best pictures into a powerpoint and we were to spend two hours analyzing them.
After about an hour we came to this picture of a wiccan pentagram in the window above a animalshelter, and the professor asked: "Why do you think this is here?" before I even had time to think, and stop my self I bursted: Maybe a dyslectic thought it was a PETAgram?
Alot of bored students life got a tad more depressing after that...
We're on the exec team of the student run swim club at our university and were discussing who will be coaching the groups next season.
She mentioned that she "could probably do some fill-ins for another coach if they need the night off".
So I then asked her if she "could do some fill-ings too?"
Took a moment, then there was a collective groan from the rest of the group and a fist headed to my shoulder. Ouch.
I responded "Would you say you excel at it?"
The collective groan of everyone else during the training session made it all worth it
Several years ago, a bunch of college friends were visiting me in NY during Columbus Day weekend. My parents offer to drive us into NYC, and on the way my father points out a huge cemetery. "Hey, do you know who's buried there?" My father asked. "Who?" We all asked excitedly. "Dead people." Cue collective groans and "God damnit..."
So I live with my parents (or did when this took place) and my mom was making meatloaf one night. I was in my room waiting for dinner to be done, when she yells out "bring the meatloaf here, I want to see what it looks like". So without missing a beat, I grabbed Bat Out of Hell from my record collection and take it to her in the living room. I hand it to her and she goes "oh. my. god." with a very visible eye roll. I think it was a success
In my business law class we were discussing this court case. In the case, a woman named Courtney was hitting off the tee box at a country club and sliced the shot off the course. The ball hit a guy who was working on a nearby roof, and gave him permanent brain damage. Our professor then asked us who we thought was responsible for the damages: the golf course, the course designer, or the woman. A student in the back asks "Well what if Courtney was drunk while she was playing" to which our professor responded
"Well then we would just have a classic case of drinking... and driving."
I'm still not sure which was louder, my friend and I bursting out laughing or the collective groan that filled the room.
So I work in a gift shop and a major portioin of our merchandise is dedicated to a large display of stuffed animals of varying sizes. Mostly everyone that comes in spends some time looking at them all but I got a special treat with this family today.
The parents and their two kids come in after supper time to look around. The daughters are looking at all the stuffed animals as the dad comes over. Dad immediately grabs the largest stuffed owl we have and holds it out towards his two daughters and wife and asks "WHOOOOOO is this??"
There was a collective sigh from the shop as the father and I crack up laughing. The best part was the stuffed bird's actual name.
Owliver.
"I see" said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw.
This one always got collective groans.
The woman says, "No first a gibson, then a fender."
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks her, "First offender?" She replies, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
