What did the Muslim train engineer say when his child asked why a creature so perplexing as the platypus would be created?

"Allah bored"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/canadaddy-o
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory

It was rough.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kinkybenny
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Child walks past the parents bedroom, peaks inside and mumbles....

"And you want to send me to a psychologist for sucking my thumb."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
[OC (I think)] What do you call the child of a civil engineer?

A truss fund baby.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acarp6
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...

...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting high and mighty?

"I've had it with your altitude"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/levivilla4
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was the 2 yr old unvaccinated child crying?

Midlife crisis

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aquariously
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the father say to his trans girl child?

"You're no son of mine"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DottComm2863
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
During the delivery of my first child, my wife kept yelling out β€˜can’t’, β€˜won’t’, β€˜shouldn’t’, β€˜couldn’t’.

The mid wife told me not to worry, they were only contractions

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The worst part of spanking a disobedient child at a supermarket is....

......having absolutely no idea whose child it is.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Palpatines have a child?

They forgot to use ray shields

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaoskrim
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the child abductor that sleeps alot?

It's a kid-napper.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boardzeroo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Officer : Sir, Ma’am, I’m afraid your child was responsible for burning the building.

Dad : You mean our son?

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KIT-3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
So, my child told me on the phone they'd got a sex change. They could tell I wasn't too bothered...

I had become trans-parent

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bredstikz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A child in Egypt got separated from her mom in the crowd and was looking for her but got confused.

Because there were so many mummies.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lunarmeric
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I really wanted to be there for the birth of my child. I drove like an idiot and almost got into an accident. But when I reached the hospital, I found out it was all for nothing.

I was dad on arrival.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/busterpkeaton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.

She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, β€œwhere do I drop it off?”

She says, β€œGo in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -β€œ

β€œDon’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”

... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gorhckmn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
read β€œtwix” in a child accent it makes the meme better
πŸ‘︎ 142
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I know everyone thinks their child is the best

But a farmer told me his kid is a goat

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zsm1994
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man

... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SumFunnyOne
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.

For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HunainT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
First child born in a couple of weeks so I thought to give it the good ol try. Sometimes when I’m down I go to the mall and use the elevator.

So it can lift me up and make my day better.

I tried to OC.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnpowers99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
When is the most appropriate time to deliver a child?

Labor Day

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riversquid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I looked my child in the eye and told them they were not my son

Because I have a beautiful daughter instead

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mooofasa1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.

We've made a massive mistake

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxygenatedair66
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the skeleton say to his wife when he wanted to adopt a child?

I have some bones to pick with you.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doomage007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I boasted to my son, "Did you know scientists discovered that the brains of male parents irreversibly change after their first child was born?" He rolled his eyes and ignored me, but I carried on...

"They become brain-dad!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I was reminded of the time’s when I was a child the other day. My dad is to stick us in tires and roll us down the hills in the back yard....

Those were the GOODYEARS.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeffro4140
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to draw the child cast of the film ET.

I drewdrewbarrymoremoreandmore though.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ellandess
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?

He was a bison.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wildeyewilly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know why I was sent to the coal mines as a child?

Because I was a minor.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-taco-rice-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the coal mining startup that used child labor? Thankfully they caught it early.

So it was only a minor minor miner issue.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shargus_live
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife gave birth to our child today. Everything went well, the baby is healthy and I'm very happy

If you're here looking for a punchline, you probably won't find it. This was just about the delivery

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chadnav
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time...

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...

I think I’ve really improved the delivery!

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Po1sonator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened to the jewish childs foreskin?

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 103
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the buffalo say when his child left for college?

Bison

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeletedForSpamm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Back in the day, I used to be a madlad. Then I had a child....

That’s when I became a dadlad

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DL14Nibba
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My husband walked into the proctologists office, and I knew then that the doctor must have a child as well when I heard the words from the other side of the door,

>Here comes the plane!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the child arrest for not taking a nap?

He was guilty of resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aplay1
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Currently in the hospital after the birth of our third child. Wife talking to lactation consultant about supply vs demand.

I chime in, "Sounds like MILKroeconomics 101."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshSamBob
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."

Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arceist_Justin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the child of 2 physicists?

The aftermath.

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TestSubject_02
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
When dad took the family to Florida, we finally got to see the place his boat was docked as a child...

It was good to see dad's berth place.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
If a child is refusing to take their nap or go to bed... can I call the cops on them?

Technically they are resisting a rest!

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvilWebMistress
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the skeleton say to his wife when he wanted to adopt a child?

I've got some bones to pick with you.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Doomage007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
The roof is not my child

But I will raise it.

πŸ‘︎ 95
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the Buffalo say to his child?

Bi-son

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report

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