The Art Attacks Puns

Hi! My dad had a heart attack last week, then went home, less than 12 hours later was back in with a one in a million fluke chance that he'd have complication. He's been in for a week now and was told he is nothing short of a miracle. I'm pregnant and can't really go see him often in ICU because of the very very sick people, but I wanted to do something special and thought i'd ask here. He is pretty down about the whole thing, usually pretty active guy keeping himself busy but I would love to create a little book for him to cheer him up. Nothing crazy but maybe some great jokes to keep him on the cheery side I might include a little art for him too with the joke. Thanks everyone.

I am not a dad at the moment, but I've learned the art of pretty clever puns in college. Some are mine, some are spins on inspirations, others are more on the joke side of dad.

What does a radioactive cat have?
18 half-lives

Ventriloquists are like psychiatrists, they both talk through things.

What is my vision?
To make the world 10% better?
No, it's about 20/20...

The invention of the shovel was truly a groundbreaking discovery.

Dad: I invested in some uranium, but I lost money.
Friend: What happened?
Dad: The Profit decayed.

We have received a report of a hole being discovered in the ground, our investigative team is looking into it.

There was an explosion at a local film manufacturing company, the story is still developing as we speak.

A local theater put together an act about jokes.
It was a play on words

Sø, I hêárd yöū lìkë föréigñ açćēńtš

As an airline mechanic would say, the job has lots of ups and downs.

My New Years resolution will probably be 25 megapixels, or 4K, not sure yet...

There was a river in Egypt no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Dad-Epitaph:
I thought I'd never live to see this day come.

There are two things that are guaranteed to open doors in life.
Push and Pull!

(How to keep an idiot in suspense)
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

A man builds robotic snakes for a living, I guess you could say he was a... python programmer!

A researcher's obsession with mixing stone, sand, lime, and water has yielded concrete results.

A madman once attacked a rider on his horse.
The rider had to goto hospital, the horse remains in stable condition.

A man bought a paper shop, it blew away in the wind last night.

Science is all about learning the rules, setting off an absurd amount of explosives, and then writing down what happened.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

Dad: Did you pick up your room?
Kid: No, I tried but it's too heavy.

true story- Mom and Dad went to the museum yesterday and I noticed my Dad had a big bruise on his arm. I asked him how it happened and he said he got it at the museum. My mom asked him how and he quickly replied that it must have been an art attack.