He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."
Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."
It was an east stare basket.
So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs ‘WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?’
Edit: so happy that one of my home-made dad-jokes is so well-received :) thanks, everyone!
- Drinking
- Smoking
- Farting
- Not drying the towel after a shower
- Not helping with the laundry
- Not helping with the kids
- Not helping with the dishes
….
I had more to right, but my wife seems to be more pissed even though she was happy at the beginning when I told her I will right my wrongs 🤷♂️
It’s a bunch of thinly sliced cabbage with a mayonnaise based dressing.
... it's night.
But I was able to turn myself around.
I said that calculating to 2 decimal places was enough for almost all equations, and 3.14 was "accepted" as Pi. He INSISTED on taking it to 5 decimal places, stating that 3.14159 was far more accurate on a large scale, and reducing to 3.14 would cause errors.
While I agreed with him on some issues, I persisted that I was correct. Most calculations in school don't require 5 decimal places, and he was just creating unnecessary work. His retort was that school was about learning, and we needed to learn how to do things the right way and not the easy way.
Naturally, this got pretty heated. We raised our voices, got angry, used some harsh words trying to prove our points, and both got detention for arguing and disrupting the teacher's lesson.
And that's the story about how I go suspended for math debating in class.
I told him his idea was just a load of crop
but so fa so good, I’m gradually picking up
Without any hesitation, the homeless man pounces into the water to save him. After doing CPR on the well dressed man he coughs the water from his lungs, the business man gratefully thanks the homeless man.
The business man says "Is there anything I can do for you? Money is something not out of the question."
The homeless man responds "I'd honestly just be grateful for a job, sir."
So the business man nods "That is something I can definitely help you out with, have you ever had an opportunity to work on a cruise ship?"
A few days later, the homeless man is hooked up with working a job as a janitor for the night shift. The captain of the ship tells the homeless "We just need you working night shift, and since this is a provide entertainment for higher classed individuals, we can't have you wondering around during the day. On the off hand you're pleased to do whatever you please after your shift." The homeless man then nods understanding the situation.
Later during that night the captain is casual watching over the homeless man in his free time, and he's absolutely baffled by this dive he's witnessed. He rushes down to him and explains
"Do you have any idea how insane that dive was?"
The man just mutters to the captain "No? It's was just a simple dive, right?"
The captain examines "In my entire life I have never seen some dive without making a simple SPLASH! There has never been a human alive to this date that was able to accomplish what you just did!"
The man is taken aback for a second and says "So what are you saying to me?"
The captain rambles on more "I'll make a deal with you, every night we're going to take the diving board up, and we're going to put on a show for every single passenger."
So every night they're training, taking the diving board higher and higher, and every singletime he hit the water there isnt a single splash. Then the day finally came and all the passengers flood around the boat to see the dive. So the man approaches the ladder and he just starts climbing and climbing. He climbed till he couldn't see the boat anymore, and he climbed till he could see curvature of the Earth.
And finally he jumps. He's just falling and falling till he passed the clouds then can finally see the boat. His formation falls into perfection. He finally hits the pool and like ever other night there wasn't singular splash. But he keeps going and smashes through the ENTIRE ship. So the man swims around to the side of the sinking ship.
The captain
... keep reading on reddit ➡Hi all, I'm part of a team at work that meets weekly to review the apps in our organization and we would love a funny or pun-related title for our team, preferably with the word "app" in the title. Right now it's the APProval committee, but I think we can do better. A Feather in One's App is our next choice. What are some good titles?
All of the ladies that worked there were trapped at one of the upstairs windows and they were frantically yelling for help.
Quickly, the man pulled over and tied a hammock between two fence posts that were just below the window. But the ladies were afraid to jump because they didn't think the hammock would hold them.
The flames were getting much worse, so the beekeeper did the only thing he could think of. He went back to his truck and retrieved a very special bee that he kept in a box labeled "in case of a brothel fire"
Sure enough, this special bee flew right up into the open window where all the ladies had gathered. Of course this just made them panic even more. One by one this bee chased each lady until all sense was lost and she leaped out the window, landing safely in the outstretched hammock below.
When all the ladies had reached the ground safely the specially trained bee returned to his box. Then the ladies turned to the beekeeper and offered him their gratitude. But he refused. "After all," he explained, "it wasn't me that saved you. It was the hornet."
She was good at finding lost cymbals
They just gave me second hand embarrassment
He said in the news report that he was all right.
The punanimous Declaration of the thirteen United States of Pun-merica, When in the Course of human pun-ventures, it becomes necessary for one people to loosen the comical bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the wits of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Yaws of Pun-Nature and of Nature's Pun entitle them, a decent respect to the punchlines of mankind requires that they should declare the pun-riddled causes which propel them to the separation.
We hold these puns to be self-evident, that all wordplay is created equal, that they are endowed by their Pun-ator with certain un-pun-able Rights, among these are Life, Linguistic-erty and the pursuit of Puntasticness.--That to secure these rights, Pun-ernments are playfully instituted among Puns, deriving their just laughter from the consent of the amused, --That whenever any Form of Pun-ernment becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Write of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to pull out new Wordmanship, laying its fun-dation on such punster principles and organizing its powers in such playful form as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Laugh-ety and Happiness. Prun-dence, indeed, will dictate that Pun-ernments long established should not be changed for pun-light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while pun-evils are sufferable, than to set-write themselves by abolishing the language forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long laugh-track of abuses and usurp-puns, pursuing invariably the same Pun-jectives evince a design to reduce them under absolute Pun-potism, it is their right, it is their pun-ty, to chuckle off such Word-rule, and to provide new Punderful Guards for their pun-ture posterity.--Such has been the pun-ient sufferance of these Pun-olonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Punnery. The history of the present Pun-King of Great Pun-Ain is a history of repeated punchlines and usurp-puns, all having in jest the establishment of an absolute Pun-ranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be fun-bmitted to a candid whirl of wordplay.
I used to play with them a lot as a kid, and I won every single time. I'm telling you, by the end of it, the other kids were losing their marbles!
"I am having some heartburn, do you know of a chemist that is open all night?"
The front desk responds "They all close for the night. But we'll send someone right up"
A few moments later, there was a knock at the door. When opened, it revealed a woman with a black bag. "Hi. I'm Doctor Pérez. Let's make sure it's not a heart attack first.
After a few quick checks, she gives the businessman some antacid.
"Thank you for your quick response. I didn't think a small hotel like this would have a doctor."
"I get that a lot. Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician"
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
A ten foot exhaust pipe fell and cut his head open, requiring 10 stitches. I saw him in HR after he got patched up. Me: "Hey buddy, you ok? You look exhausted." Him: "Nah, I'm not tired at all, ready to go back to work." The joke went right over his head. Twas the second thing to do so that day.
I picked up my friend and we went for a drive. As I got to an intersection, I ran through a red light. My friend kind of looked at me and said, "Hey, that was a light red?" I said yes, but reassured him that it was okay because my brother does it all of the time.
Soon I came upon another intersection and drove right through another red light. The car coming the other way honked at me. My friend is starting to freak out and said, "Dude, you just ran another red light." I shrugged and told him not to worry about it because my brother does it all of the time.
Here we go again through another red light about 2 minutes later and almost got clipped by another car coming the other way. My friend is now clearly upset as he yells at me to stop doing that. I just told him not to be concerned because my brother does it all the time.
At the next intersection the light is green. I slammed on my breaks. My friend yells at me, "The light is green... What are you doing?! GO!"
I told him that I shouldn't because my brother might be coming the other way.
But I turned myself around
..It's a family hair loom.
The strangest thing happened . I just finished cooking breakfast for me and my son and the doorbell rings .. I go to answer it, and it's a panda bear. As soon as I open the door he barged in and ran straight to the kitchen and ate all the breakfast I had just cooked. Then he went for the refrigerator and cleaned it out. He ate everything. I was angry. So I went to get my rifle but he was too fast. He pulled out two pistols and start shooting my place up. He must have emptied four magazines. But when I was at a food and he was out of ammo, he just walked back out the door and left the scene.
We were all okay but I had to still call the police and report so I could make a homeowners insurance claim.. but when I called them, they acted like it was no big deal. I described it in detail and they said, "yeah, that sounds about right." They said, "that's just what panda bears do. It's typical panda bear behavior." Ultimately, they couldn't do anything about it
That just seemed so strange though. Panda bears seem so peaceful. But I googled it, and they were right. It said, Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves..
🤨🐼😏
The guy at the front desk says “Hey buddy, all my girls are free tonight so you can take your pick. I just gotta let you know that all the girls on the right side of the house are very vocal during sex, but the girls on the left aren’t”
“Oh thats weird, how come?” Replies the guy.
“I have a whore-moan imbalance”.
He comes across a nativity scene with animals, Mary, Joseph, Jesus and the three wise men wearing firemen's suits and helmets, carrying axes and holding a hose.
The confused guy knocks on the homeowner's door and says "that's a great nativity scene but what's up with the wise men?"
"Whatta ya mean?" the homeowner asks in a deep South voice.
"Why are they all in firemen's outfits? It makes no sense," the New Yorker answers.
The homeowner says "It's in the bible, the nativity story."
"I don't think so," the New York man replies.
The homeowner runs in the house, comes back with her bible, turns to Matthew 12 and says "See yer wrong. It's right dere on the first line - "the wise men came from afar."
OK, this technically isn't a dad joke, but it is the first time I've ever seen one of the granddaddies of all dad jokes work in the wild.
I was in PetSmart buying kitty litter. There was one checkout line open and a lot of people waiting. The woman in front of me was getting rung up when one of her items, a dog toy, didn't ring up. Now my first thought is always ALWAYS to say "well, I guess it's free then." But I also know most checkout clerks have heard it a billion times, so I read the room and decide not to say it. The woman that is checking out starts to get flustered because she doesn't want to be rude and keep all the rest of us waiting in line. The manager comes out to help and find the price. The woman keeps getting more nervous and agitated. (My wife has social anxiety and I know what it looks like.) So I look at the woman and the clerk and say, "OK, we've tried the bar code, and checking the system for the price, has anyone said "Well, I guess it must be free then?" I mean that's the next step in the process, right?" The lady and the clerk both chuckle a bit and the tension is broken. The manager heard me say it and was like, "Yep, it's free." The lady looked at her and blinked. The manager repeated herself. And the woman took the toy and left.
IT WORKED PEOPLE!!! THE DAD JOKE WORKED!!!
-
If you're out in the desert on a horse with no name, you probably have the time to come up with a name for it.
-
Maybe it's the rider who has no name (and a poor sense of where to locate a subordinate clause): "I, with no name, have been through the desert on a horse."
-
Or maybe it was the desert that had no name?
-
What if "No-Name" was some friend who was riding with him?
-
It's also possible that what he means is that maybe the horse has a name (say, Charley the Horse) but that the horse isn't FAMOUS. He's just ol' Charley the horse, not Secretariat or Trigger or one of those A-list horses with a NAME. This possibility is the saddest, though. Imagine you're the horse, out there in the frickin' DESERT, and some schmoe is making you carry his ass around--and not even for any good reason, right, he's not actually going anywhere, he's totally just taking advantage of your good nature--and all he can do is go on and on about what a nobody of a horse you are.
-
Even if his name really was Charley, if that were to happen now, everyone on the Internet would start calling that poor horse "Horsey McHorseface."
Me: My wife yesterday was all on my case. "You'll never get a car made out of spaghetti to work!" she says. Man - y'all should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Friend 1: Oof - seriously. You should see if you can get supplements for that bad-joke problem.
Me: Maybe I'll try some vitamins. I'll grab some B2, B3, B5, and B6. Gonna skip B4 - that's in the past.
Friend 1: If I stop setting these up will you just, you know, stop?
Me: I tried Omega3 before, but the benefits were Super Fish Oil.
Friend 2: How do I unsubscribe from this group text?
Me: Maybe I can order some Vitamin C from a Mexican website. That means "Vitamin Yes" in Spanish, right?
Friend 1: Dead. I'm dead here. You've killed me. And humor.
Me: Actually my doctor said I should be eating more citrus fruits. Oranges, specifically. He also said I needed to drop some pounds. He said it was the "Weight and C" approach.
Friend 2: You're looking these up.
Me: Not all of them. I mean, I did get some of them from this big dictionary I have. It's pun-abridged.
Friend 1: If I had to grade these jokes, you'd get a Vitamin D. That's a 1.0 GPA.
Me: I'm going to have to put those grades up for adoption. I don't think I'll be able to raise them.
Friend 1: D-
Me: Maybe I should look into becoming a marine biologist as a career. Since my grades are so far below "C" level.
Friend 2: JFC. Is there any way to make it stop?
Me: Nope! I'm PUN-STOPPABLE!
In all fairness, I had heard most of these before (I have loved puns since college) but this was the first time I've gotten a good long run in a single pass. Also this is nearly-verbatim. I removed a couple identifying things and re-ordered a few of the messages for clarity of response.
She says I'm bad with directions. I got so mad that I packed up all my stuff and right.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡- "Can't talk, busy camping," replied Tom, intent.
- "The French don't deserve our thanks," said Tom mercilessly.
- "Haven't you heard me singing in church?" Tom inquired.
- "I'll win this tennis game if I get one more point, " Tom deduced.
- "I didn't eat my T-bone tonight," said Tom mistakenly.
- "So you're asking about my mink coat," Tom inferred.
- "I'm wearing a watch around my wrist," said Tom with abandon.
- "I'm the most important salmon vendor," said Tom selfishly.
- "I was correct the first three times, and I am correct now," said Tom forthrightly.
- "Castration is reversible," Tom remembered.
- "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
- "I command my own private army," said Tom maliciously.
- "I'll order the same meat as last time," Tom revealed.
- "I've never swum in Egypt's longest river," said Tom in denial.
- "Et tu?" asked Tom brutally.
- "That's women for you," said Tom dismissively.
- "I'll have a bowl of Chinese soup," said Tom wantonly.
- "I eat everything," said Tom in jest.
- "I gave you your freedom, and I can take it away," said Tom deliberately.
- "Maybe if I rub this lamp something good will happen," said Tom ingeniously.
- "I'm never taking an Uber again," Tom derided.
- "That dog is a mongrel," Tom muttered.
- "It's too bad Babe isn't on our team," said Tom ruthlessly.
- "Maybe I should stop using worms to catch fish... or maybe not," Tom debated.
- "Hemingway is my favorite author," said Tom earnestly.
- "This drumming is too easy," said Tom without missing a beat.
- "This is a frozen dessert,” I screamed.
- "Now I have TWO duck feathers", Tom doubled down.
- "She would never answer her phone the first time, you always had to hang up once," Tom recalled.
- "Two plus five is seven,” Tom added.
- "I only have Diamonds, Clubs and Spades," said Tom heartlessly.
- "It's okay, the PlayStation still works," Tom consoled.
- "Capital punishment is mostly used on the lower classes," said Tom with poor execution.
- "Where are all of my old board games?" asked Tom cluelessly.
- "I might be acquitted," said Tom without conviction.
- "I've never dyed my hair red, but I'll try it," said Tom gingerly.
- "Ugh! I need to shave again," Tom bristled.
- "Whale hunting makes me so sad," Tom blubbered.
- "I'll quit smoking marijuana right now!" said Tom bluntly.
- "I like hot dogs more than hamburgers," said Tom frankly.
- "I signed it twice," Tom remarked.
- "I received a letter to take my car in for repair," Tom recalled.
- "I hate pale ale," sai
I saved this from r/dadjokes back in 2016, hopefully no one else has posted it recently! 🤣
A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;
Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;
And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;
So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;
There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;
Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;
When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;
He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";
His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;
His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;
His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;
But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;
For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;
I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;
And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;
Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";
I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;
And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"
Right so there's this farmer yeah and he's obsessed with tractors. His whole live revolves around them. He eats, sleeps and dreams tractors, but one day his wife is killed in a tragic tractor accident. The farmer decides he's had enough and completely strips tractors from his life, moves off the farm and tries to move on without his wife and love of tractors
Years later he's going on a blind date with a woman he met online. The dates going well when all of a sudden the restaurant bursts into flames! Everyone's panicking trying to put the fire out when the farmer stands up and takes a huge breath in, sucking in all the fire and smoke. He runs outside and releases all of the smoke into the air and saves the restaurant. Everyone's amazed at what the farmer has just done as they thank him and go back to their meals. His date sits back down on complete shock and says 'that was amazing how did you do that?!'
The farmer looks her in the eyes tearing up and says 'I'm an ex tractor fan'.
Edit: Title spelling
Granted my son is known for corny (akadad) jokes but this one is a gem and I’m so proud I knew I had to share it here.
Two men were stranded in the desert for about a week with no food or water. They were getting pretty desperate.
One of the men saw a tree in the distance. It was simply covered in bacon. So much bacon that there were no leaves to be seen. More bacon than the two of them could eat in a week. They were saved!
After sharing his discovery with his companion; the man began to run towards the tree, the scent of bacon overwhelming his senses.
Right before he reached his goal he was surrounded by many men firing repeatedly at him. He was struck by several bullets from all directions.
Too late he realized it had not been a bacon tree that he had seen, instead it was a ham bush.
Greetings Reddit. This isn't your classical dad joke, but I bet that this sub definitely has some memers versed in this particular art. I have an odd but noble request. A request that will probably involve you abandoning some of your morals and going to lengths that you never thought possible. Some of you may not survive this, others will be scared for life. For those of you who do survive, all I can promise is an absolute abundance of vicarious comedic climaxing.
I am looking for the most complex, well-executed, strategically sound, stealthy, and grandiose ligma joke of all time, one that my friend will not see c(u)oming. He is very, very well-versed in ligma jokes, so this will be a difficult task. For example, just today I tried to get him with a Europe joke (Europe on this dick), but he caught it right away, didn't even flinch. I got him with a Samir joke a few weeks ago (Samiring these nuts on your face), but that's the only recent success I've had (really had to tee that one up too). I even asked him if he wants to hear about the new girl I'm talking to named Wilma (Wilma dick fit in yo ass) AND HE DIDN'T EVEN RESPOND.
As you can see, I'm at war with an absolute psychopath who is extremely well-versed and capable in this particular style of warfare. I'm looking for a complex ligma joke that he will never see coming. I will go to great lengths to achieve this sweet comedic release. I am talking about some pepe silva level shit. I am talking fake my own death just to jump out of my casket at the funeral type shit. So, please send any recommendations. Before you call me a normie, this war is based on layers and layers of irony.
…I just want to tell that he is all right now
Son: we are studying “A raisin in the sun” in English Me: when go walking I strut myself… and I’m all strung out. … Son: I don’t get it. Me: oh sorry that was “Blister In the Sun” Son: ??? Me: it is a song Son: oh, maybe I’ll play it for my English teacher Me: I wouldn’t…. She seems like a Violent Femme Son: you’re right Me: no that’s the name of the band that sings it Son: I need to go stand over there now.
