Tales From The Darkside Puns

I feel like these should exist somewhere besides my hard drive. I showed it to /r/pics last week and several people told me about Dreadit there. Here are the photos he emailed me, complete with the old Windows 98 image icon overlay for that extra authenticity.

Whenever I hear a story about him being a jerk, I think back on how awesome this was of him to do. I’m 41 now and I’m proud to say that I only occasionally leap from my bed to the door these days. Thanks for the exposure therapy, Tom, because that episode was supremely fucked up.

When it came time for the Missionary physical, I was a bit freaked out when a buddy who'd recently done it informed me I was gonna get the Love Glove. The dreaded (especially for a 19 y.o.) prostate probes maximus. I assumed he was just kidding, he swore he wasn't. I dunno why it matters, but the fact the family physician was also our bishop (how many plumbers or Wal-Mart manager bishops do you know?) and would have the honors made it worse. During some pre-mission shopping, I had acquired a handheld cassette recorder w/ a voice activated record feature. I had successfully ceased my wildling ways a few months previous, and was surprised how members of our professional bowling league (weed, not pins, balls & funky ass shoes) that were LDS didn't tempt me to partake.

Probably thought a hex would be forthcoming if they did. Just 2 hours before the appointment, I stopped by a buddy's who wasn't LDS and he was fixin' to roast up a big fatty. "C'mon dude, R and P roasted until the day they left, confessed, and nothing came of it. It's not like you're getting your swerve on w/ some young hot thing. One more, for old time sake? Whaddya say? (He had a strong point). I swear I won't be the devil in your ear tempting you ever again. Get in here, take a pull on the devil's lettuce." Once thoroughly cross-eyed and painless, my anxiety about the LoveGlove returned. I shared my anxiety w/ my tempter. "Duuuuuude, noooooo way! You're 19 years old? Why do they gotta go drilling for oil in your virgin bunghole? Are you kidding me?" I assured him I wasn't. Half jokingly, I added: "I should start moaning and act like he's totally getting me off."

Having seen me fiddling w/ my new recorder, he had a lightbulb appear above his head. "Dude, I'll give you 100 shekels if you do that, AND tape it!? Back then, not an insignificant amount. Now, I'm not talking "Jackass" type stupidity, but I've been known to accept any dare that didn't involve physical risk, unless it was on a motorcycle or a BMX bike. If he dared me, we had a problem. I probed (pun intended) the shekels angle. "Make it 300. and I'll do it." "300? You swear? Hold on." He gets on the phone, calls a couple of our bro's, explains the deal, and they don't hesitate for 150. each. 400. total. For that, he didn't need to break out the double dog dare.

In the waiting room, still ripped out of my gourd, I began to chicken out. Then, his words echoed in my baked brain. His sneering face, "You'll puss out, I know

Does anyone else get unnerved when they hear this? I mean this has to be one the scariest intros ever. Hopefully I am not alone.

They say one man’s trash is another’s treasure. Especially in Japan where they often throw out year old boomboxes, 3-4 year old computers and all manner of furniture. That was often a big step up considering our humble abode and the threadbare furniture therein. But, this was chow related. Luxury food items. This was “Operation Mr. Donuts.” It was treasure most of the time for us, but this time there was nasty surprise. Nasty may be an understatement. Definitely the kind of intel you want to have going in, and we wouldn’t make the discovery until we had already crushed 3/4 of the product. Product by the pound. Was Mr. Donuts on to us? Did they know we were liberating day old donuts from the dumpster? I’ll never know the answer to that.

As a volunteer for a 2 year Church mission in Japan, we were dirt poor and somehow a tradition of dumpster diving was born. Well, not diving. Sinless skimming. Someone saw the donuts go in the dumpster decades ago, and that was it. They were all fresh, well, day old, and we’d gorge ourselves right up to the point of breaking into the “Hurl-Fest” scene from the movie Stand By Me, at the pie eating contest. In Hokkaido, Japan’s Alaska, our apartment was so cold we had to put our toothpaste and other toiletries in the refrigerator so they didn’t freeze at night. Yeah, a morning shower in that temperature will wake you up from a coma. We couldn’t afford meat often, so any luxury item like donuts was the equivalent of cigarettes in prison. A currency to be bartered and exchanged. On our day off, we received the word the mission within a mission was green-lit. Giddy as a kid on Christmas morning, we jumped out of bed at 4:30am and stepped out our apartment. “Ahh crap.” It snowed 14” overnight. It was an eerily beautiful sight. The townsfolk weren’t on the streets yet, and the beauty and silence snow brings is something to behold and take in. The beauty one can appreciate it, even when you have to ride your Mountain Bike 10 miles a day in it. We met up at the rendezvous point w/ 6 others from our tribe. All fellow missionaries.

We always rode our bikes, no matter what. 14” was doable, and we formed a V formation and rode right down the middle of the empty road. A few early bird shopkeepers looked up startled, wide-eyed at the sight of 10 gaijin’s cruising down the road with only the sound of giggling and snow crunching under tire. Some looked at us like we were batshit crazy, some smiled and nodded. I was newer to the country, so

Normally I did a pretty good job looking after Cambo (my littler brother) when my parents or siblings weren't around. Considering the stunts and pranks that happened if we were afforded too much time, whenever possible, our unsupervised time together was limited as much as possible. At Church, my parent's viewed that environment as pretty low risk. That assumption often backfired on them. This is one of those times. My Mom was involved with the sacrament meeting program in some form, and sitting up on stage.. So my Dad allowed me to take Cambo to the bathroom.

I ran into trouble almost immediately. In the foyer, there was a life-sized nativity scene that mesmerized me. Nay, hypnotized me. Some of the figures interested me, some kind of freaked me out. I'd just stare, and if nobody was around, dip under the barrier and examine them closer. Cambo's pleas didn't register, "hurry, hurry, i gotta go. Nooooowww." "Yeah, yeah, just a minute." I have no clue how long I was under that display's spell. His next cry for help definitely snapped me out of it. It was more like an eardrum splitting squeal. He had entered the bathroom by himself, and was now on his way back out. As I heard the squeal, I turned to see a flash (no pun intended) fly by me, take advantage of someone exiting the chapel and the open door, and disappear inside. But, there was a big problem.

Cambo's pants and butthuggers were down around his ankles, buck-naked from the waste down. He squealed for help as he awkwardly waddled down the aisle toward the front row where my Dad and siblings were sitting. My only thought was, take care of it before Mom and Dad see. It was too late, and our entire family, along w/ everyone else, wheeled around and watched in half horror, half hilarity as Cambo picked up speed. "Heeeelp." Running as fast as possible w/ your pants around your ankles, his little vienna sausage was flopping about in the open air. He didn't seem to care. The crowd erupted in laughter as he made a course correction. As my Mom and the bishopric stood up, extended hands like they wanted to help, yet also wanted it to stop. Now trying to make it to my Mom, he waddled up the stairs, stumbling several times. Butt straight up in the air. Instead of actually approaching Mom, Cambo decided he liked the attention. The roar of laughter, he reacted as if it were applause, and he'd just played a glorious encore. All for him. At the top of the stairs, he whips around, and stops. Exposing himself to

1. I sent a student a note of encouragement because I felt that the lessons were becoming difficult for him. He told me that the lessons were not hard- he just didn't understand them. Of course he wrote this in broken English.
2. No one wants to do language exercises or learn grammar, but everyone wants to speak. This can be stressful for me because I have to listen to long rambling run on sentences, try to remember everything I just heard, and then correct it all.
3. Love letters from men. Love letters from men in relationships.
4. Last night during a lesson a student told me that the learning plan that I devised for her was not working. The learning plan was based on her desire to find employment in America. She then told me that she wanted to practice interview techniques. This was a part of her learning plan. The one that was not working for her. (Sigh) Then she said she doesn't need to learn English in general, but just enough to help her as an nanny in America. I don't think that's a good idea. Women are abused and abducted all the time. Someone who doesn't know how to read or understand English would make an excellent victim. She then tells me that I need to help her with her visa. Next she cuts and pastes about 30 visa questions into the platform. I was taken aback and kind of upset. So she now expects me to help her get a visa and wants the rest of the lessons to focus on that. I asked her about her employers and she told me that they have never met. They just Skype. She said that the wife is a judge and the husband is a fighter pilot. She has not researched these people. Sigh. Sex/human trafficking is real. When I was helping her with the Visa questions she didn't even want to answer in full sentences. She wanted to know if she could just say the words or phrases.
5. I had another student who is pissed to the heavens at me. We began our lesson and then he asked me to go over his resume. So I stopped, went over his resume, and gave him my opinion. I suggested that he use the active voice and that his resume needed a bit of structure. He had lots of run on sentences, no subheadings, and it was kind of difficult to read. I even sent him examples from the internet. This guy started to defend his resume to the death! It's just a resume for x,y,z, it doesn't have to be perfect. He refused to make the changes, so I just said everything he did was fine. He sent me a message saying he did not want to take classes fr

As a missionary in a northern Japanese city, we worked a large city's version of Central Park. All manner of humanoid traffic made it an interesting and fun place to be. J-Dubs and every manner of cult and religion also prowled the park, approaching would be recruits. There was a half cult, half religion, Japanese group called "Mahikari" meaning True Light. They believed they could cleanse, cure, and purify everything that tortures humanoid body and soul, by holding their hand directly above your head and saying some prayer. My comp and I were wrapping up lunch when two of them approached, and engaged us. "Can I bless you?" She asked. If my comp wouldn't have appeared scared shitless, I would've said no thanks. Seeing his expression, I couldn't help myself. "Sure, go ahead." As she extended her hand, he yanked me aside and began pleading w/ me not to. "Nooo, you can't. This is of the devil. How do you know you won't get possessed?" Ignoring him, I sat back down. "Proceed." She looked downright excited. As she began, my comp's expression and nervous fingernail chomping nearly caused me to LOL.

It was an opp I couldn't pass up. A few seconds in I began to flutter my eyelids, followed by a guttural, deep voiced growl. I fully expected her to stop, but she didn't seem phased in the slightest. I couldn't see my comp, but he was audibly saying "No, no, stop, please, stop." Around Halloween, we used to custom make scary audio tapes for our spook alley. I'd been trying to perfect my deep guttural devil voice for years, and got pretty good at it. His whining was getting louder when I abruptly let out a growl, he whimpered. I was just getting warmed up. "I am not of your kind. I am not of your Earth. I've been leading man to the fiery pit since Adam and Eve. I am a man of wealth and taste(stealing a line from Sympathy for the Devil)." The lady kept right on praying. I can do this thing w/ my eyes where they flitter back and forth in fast motion.

Turning to my Comp, and doing the freaky eye thing, I continued: "My Legions WILL NOT allow the one and only true Church to flourish on this Earth and in the hearts of mankind." Raising my voice to a howl, I stood and turned to my Comp: "And YOU! Your soul is ripe for the harvest, take my hand child, come with me!"

He was not hanging around to see what I had in mind. He dropped his bag and took off at a dead sprint. Baffled and a little freaked out at the audience who noticed the disturbance, the young lady looked

LINK TO THE YOUTUBE VIDEO

It's extremely corny, but there are some awesomely unique elements which make the movie worth the watch.

This is the most WTF moment of the film for me, when a mother says to her daughter that it's her and her father's anniversary tomorrow, and the little girl asks... "You mean the night when you thought he was going to throw you against the wall and rape you?"... Implying that at some point this mother told her daughter that she believed their father was a violent rapist. What. The. Fuck. Then there's a subsequent transformation scene shortly afterwards which uses some pretty awesome practical effects.

What do you guys think of this episode?

This episode is stellar. Easily one of season 2’s best, if not the entire series. I can never choose which of the 3 stories I like best, though B & V’s spying on Sheriff Keller is always entertaining. Too bad they absolutely botched the 3 story formula in season 3’s version of this episode, but more on that when we get to it.

This was the first step in Cambo and I becoming the ward hooligans to keep an eye on. I was in Kindergarten, Cambo (my little brother was a year younger) and somehow our Sunday School class had been moved without us knowing. We sat there in the empty room, wondering what was going on. It was fast sunday so we used the privacy opp to start chomping the tinfoil wrapped Christmas chocolates we'd smuggled in with us. Chomping down on a piece w/ tinfoil still attached, Cambo reflexively spit it out on an empty chair. Just then, lightbulbs appeared around my head, and angelic choirs could be heard rejoicing at the scheme that popped in my mischievous brain. It looked like a turd. So, we got to work chomping chocolates, spitting them out, and constructing a big ol' turd. A kind of Festivus turdloaf.

Like a chef preparing a plate for his best customer to receive, I carefully positioned it here and there, until it was just perfect. We had just barely strategized our lines when the door flew open. The meanest lady in the whole ward, and our Sunday School teacher, stormed in, already flustered. When she eyeballed that big ol' turd, she froze as if it were a pre-strike rattlesnake. It was go time, and well experienced in the art of tricksterism, I did not hesitate. "Look, Cambo poo poo'd!" As i picked it up between my thumb and index finger, holding it up to behold. Proud of our creation. She was still frozen, eyes bugging out of her skull behind her granny glasses. I tilted my head back, I popped the Cambo log in my wide open mouth. The only thing missing was the slowed down Hollywood movie effects "Nooooooooooooo" as she lunged and tried to stop me ingesting the turdloaf. I chomped twice and swallowed. "Hmmm, it's not bad," I declared w/ a smile. One might say, a shit eatin' grin (sorry, couldn't help myself). Cambo squealed w/ glee, clapping his little mitts together in applause.

Then, the law of unintended consequences kicked in. Which pretty much always means bad shit happened. Before we could deliver the big reveal, she wrenched my jaws open, and began sticking her long nailed digits down my throat, going after the choco turd. When she realized it was long gone, she began trying to force puke it out. Scratching the shit outta my throat, I jerked away and retreated by the chairs for cover.

"It's chocolate, it's chocolate haha." "yeah, yeah, it's a chocolate poop" Cambo backed me up. "Gotcha haha" he added. However, she didn't find it quite as hilarious as w

Alright, it's late, I'm bored and im watching Demon Knight, what's you're favorite

This is from a forum that provides legal advice to people.

Post Title: "My father is running out of money for alimony payments, im scared for him. what happens when he runs out of funds?"

The following is the text of that post, followed by a few comments. OP's father may face contempt of court, fines, or jail time:

MAIN TEXT
My parents split jan 2008 in florida after 25 years. My dad had a job paying 250k a year and got let go from that job in 2012 (minimal severance package). My dad has a 6k a month alimony payment to my mother and has been unemployed since 2012 (he is 68). He says his funds are about out. What happens next? He is a great man, my mom is a looney tune, and i am scared shitless to see my dad go dead broke and possibly homeless because of my mother.

Update/Edit: my dad has filed for a reduction 6 separate times and has gone thru 6 different lawyers, all of them were no help in lowering alimony.

Update/Edit 2: not one person has answered my real question. What happens when he runs out of money?

UpdateEdit 3: There was no adultery on either side. My mom is crazy. She stressed my father and my brother and I out to no end and the divorce was much needed. She is the single most incompatible human being on planet earth every person she has attempted to date has left her in the dust and for good reason.

Final Update: thanks for the advice everyone. Sorry if i ranted at all, this whole situation is highly frustrating. I appreciate y’alls help!

COMMENT
This seems so unlawful that my father who worked so hard to make an amazing life for my family decides to leave my mom cuz shes a wack job and now she gets paid to breathe air while my dad is going to go dead broke and possibly end up in jail and paying fines to the court for falling out of love with someone who legitimately sucked the life out him and is continuing to do so even when there is nothing left to suck out?

Lol at downvotes

COMMENT
2008 - 2012 my mom got 8k a month and the house, no mortgage, my dad paid all of that off prior to divorce

2012 - present my mom gets 6k a month and my dad has never missed a payment.

My mom has all of my dads money and she STILL complains that its not enough and doesn’t meet her lifestyle.

To say my dad is trying to weasel out of alimony is crazy. He is almost out of money. And my mother would be happy to see him go belly up. He worked his way up the ladder with no college degree, just hard knocks and a g

Chapter Twenty: Tales from the Darkside” — (8:00-9:00 p.m. ET) (TV-14, SV) (HDTV).

A TEST FROM THE BLACK HOOD — Riverdale remains on edge after a chilling letter from the Black Hood challenges the town’s residents to remain sinless for 48 hours – or he’ll strike again. Meanwhile, Jughead (Cole Sprouse) and Archie’s (KJ Apa) friendship gets tested after Penny Peabody (guest star Brit Morgan) unexpectedly calls in a favor that Jughead owes her. Elsewhere, Betty (Lili Reinhart) and Veronica (Camila Mendes) team up to investigate someone who Betty thinks could be the Black Hood killer. Finally, things take an unexpected turn for Josie (Ashleigh Murray) when a secret admirer takes things one step too far. Madelaine Petsch and Casey Cott also star. Dawn Wilkinson directed the episode written by James DeWille (#207).

Original airdate 11/29/2017.

Source

Hey guys is it just me or is Tales From The Darkside no longer available on Shudder???? I just subscribed Saturday and I put it in my favorites and now it’s gone from there as well as from the series section ? Any idea what may have happened?

I recently rediscovered Monsters (1988 - 1991) streaming on Roku's Roku channel (thanks for the elegant phrasing, Roku Roku Roku) and I absolutely love it. it ranges from fantastically terrible to actually fantastic. it appears to be a successor to Tales from the Darkside, which fires off fewer neutrons for me, but also seems interesting.

does anyone know where I can stream Tales from the Darkside for free in the Roku ecosystem? official or "unofficial" would be appreciated.

Since my time/attention span is limited this month, I'm trying to go through the entire series. I absolutely love this show.

I was just curious what some of your guys' favorite and least favorite episodes were.

Personally, I think "Trick or Treat" (the pilot) is great. It's a solid start to the show. I only wish that more episodes had this kind of stuff in them. I also like "The Geezenstacks" and "Halloween Candy" episodes.

There are many more but I was just hoping that some other fans of the show would want to talk about it for the holiday.

**EDIT: Hey guys, just wanted to make an edit here. We've had a great discussion going and I just wanted to put this on here for those who aren't familiar with the series. Here are a list of episodes that are repeatedly mentioned as favorites and would be good episodes to get you into the series:

• "Trick or Treat" (Pilot episode)
• "Season of Belief"

• "The Cutty Black Sow"
• "Ursa Minor"
• "The Geezenstacks"
• "Word Processor of the Gods"
• "Halloween Candy"
• "The Last Car"

I know some other ones have been mentioned but these seem like favorites of the Dreaditors. The DVDs are available to buy on Amazon for a very reasonable price or I'm sure you can find other ways of watching these episodes.

Which of the these anthology shows do you think was better?

I tend to like creature features more myself and think Monsters started to get a little more sexual in season 2, kinda like how tales from the crypt was. I still loved Tales from DS but I think I enjoyed Monsters more and seem like it doesnt get mentioned as much in anthology posts on here. What do you think???

link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqY1Zo5QTcM

the complete series of both of these are on sale today at best buy for only $19.99 each.

are they any good? I do see that some of the darkside episodes are based on King books, but how are the rest?

I know F13 isnt related to the movie, but the premise sounds interesting.

what's everyone's thoughts on these shows? should I pick them up at this price?

Liquid Television was an animated episodic tv series that was created by MTV in the 1990s, and rebooted in 2014. The animation was not up to the level this series was though. But story telling was similar.

Tales from the Darkside, was a movie made of 3-4 independent stories. It wasn't animated, but had a similar sense of humor and tone.

Honorable mention goes to Heavy Metal.

"Inside the Closet" is considered one of the best episodes of the series, particularly because of Tom Savini's creature. But it seems to be the only episode of the show Shudder doesn't have. What?!?

...