For the last time kids, I don’t have a favorite child.
I regret you all equally.
I don’t care what you guys think, but I’ll start wearing shoes with Velcro on it.
I don’t like people with a foot fetish
I haven’t spoken to my wife in ten years.
She hates it when I interrupt her.
I don’t make mathematical puns unless I’m desperate.
But I’ll make one if I half two.
I asked god for a bike, but I know god doesn’t work that way.
So I stole one and asked him for forgiveness
“!desrever m’I won dna gnorw enog sah gnihtemoS !deneppah tahw wonk t’nod I daD”
I can’t come up with any sheep jokes.
I’ve told several jokes about chemistry on this sub. No one upvotes or comments. They don’t downvote either.
Seems I just can’t get a reaction.
Hope I didn’t butcher this one. Some puns are better than udders.
Most people don’t understand why I find ski resorts funny.
I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says it’s terminal
I just don’t trust stairs
They’re always up to something.
My doctors told me I wouldn’t be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But I’ve made 3 bowls, and a vase and they are lovely.
My Latina wife used to seductively roll her r’s when speaking Spanish to me. But now that I’m into telling dad jokes she doesn’t do that anymore.
These days she just rolls her eyes.
I don’t mean to brag, but my dad basically invented artificial bread.
He made such a great roll model.
I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids …
But when I got home, they were all still there.
The wife and I named all our kids after Star Wars characters. Our daughter Leia loves it but our son chewbacca doesn’t.
I’ll admit we made a wookiee mistake…
I was thinking about how people don’t get to choose their noses…
They just have to septum as they come.
This I.T. guy probably got fired
I can’t stand people who take drugs.
I don’t have a licence I do h🥑
I wasn’t able to make a reservation at the library.
They’re completely booked.
My girlfriend just told me if I don’t get off the computer she’s gonna slam my face into the keyboard
I’m not too worried, I’m sure it’s just a joke jsimeipsl,we nsujsnms,so.sjjsiik8#9kio9wkn#@vjsiosppwkmsklo902
I couldn’t sleep with my neighbor’s dogs constantly barking.
Can someone please explain if this is a pun or joke on my socks? I don’t get it
I can’t stop talking about Bruce Willis movies. I guess old habits,
I don’t hate eating a hot dog
but I don’t relish it either
I’ve never been more angry with my wife. She came home from the store with nothing but Crab, Lobster, and Shrimp for dinner. She knows I don’t like that stuff. She didn’t even care…
She’s extremely shellfish.
I bought a pistol from a T-Rex
He told me he specializes in having small arms.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite
When I look back at it, my college girlfriend and I couldn’t have been more different.
I didn’t think I’d ever be turned on by population statistics...
But then I came to my census
I don’t usually have a problem with procrastination.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.
I heard a rumor that someone vandalized a wheat field, but I don’t trust the guy who told me.
I take it with a grain assault.
I used to be a grave robber, but I don’t like to talk about it though..
it’s just digging up the passed.
I wondered why I couldn’t put on my seatbelt.
I’ve always been surprised that Pride Month isn’t in September
After all, Pride cometh before the Fall
My kid swallowed Scrabble tiles when I wasn’t looking - now we’re missing all the A’s E’s I’s O’s U’s and Y’s.
His pediatrician said we’ll have to wait for a vowel movement.
I have a Dad Joke about Michael Jackson, but I won’t tell it.
It’s Bad! It’s Bad! Its really, really Bad!
A pony walks into a doctors office, but he can’t speak. The doctor examines him and says “I got it!”
You’re a little hoarse! 🥁
I wouldn’t say Oklahoma is amazing.
I’d make a pendulum joke but don’t know the reaction it will get…
It could swing either way.
I don’t trust stairs
They’re always up to something
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