Straightlaced Puns

You lack the capacity to properly describe the experience to this being that literally can't comprehend it anyway. Now this is NOT to say we are somehow better than those people. We are however far less ignorant in regards to something truly groundbreaking occuring with our species, and that does matter. Don't trick yourself in to thinking otherwise.

Manders & Frogkowski in:

A Toad in the Hole.

'What are we looking at?'

Detective Manders reached for her notebook and turned to the ME, who just shrugged. 'Damned if I know,' he said. 'I've never seen a case as bad as this. My guys are going to be scraping our John Toad off the highway for the next week at this rate.'

Manders winced. Four years in the department, and she still dreaded getting a call out to a squish. It happened from time to time, even today, but at least it wasn't quite as common. The murder squad didn't usually have to come out this far, especially not at three in the morning; frankly, it was strange she'd been brought in at all.

Strange was never a good sign.

'So why am I here?' she asked.

The ME sighed. 'Normally I'd have no problem writing this off as a hit and run -- you know, he drinks a few too many, he wanders out into the road, he doesn't see the eighteen wheeler until he's sixteen wheels in. But...'

'What is it, Doc?'

He paused. 'I pulled three slugs out of the guy. Big ones, too.'

'Delicious,' Manders said. 'What does that have to do with anything?'

'No, no,' the ME replied. 'Not this time.' He held up a clear plastic evidence bag, inside of which sat three bullets. 'This wasn't an accident, Sal. Someone killed this guy, then threw him under the bus to disguise it after the fact. This is a murder.'

Captain Frosch slammed his fist down against his desk. 'Damn it, Frogkowski,' he yelled. 'You're skating on thin ice right now. One more word out of you and I'll see to it that you spend the rest of your career working Invertebrate Crimes, you hear me?'

'Come on, Captain,' Frogkowski pleaded. 'I'm close on this one. Real close.' It was an exaggeration, perhaps; he'd been embedded with the Third Street Bufos for six weeks, working his way up through the organisation, trying to find a source for their drug hookup. He'd had to lick a lot of backs to get that far, and so far he'd come up with precisely nothing in return -- but he'd take that over a case like the one the Captain was offering any day of the week.

'It's an order.'

'But Manders? What, there weren't any tadpoles free?'

'No buts, Eddie. You two are the best damn cops I've got, and I need this cleared up ASAP. I've already got the Chief breathing down my neck.'

'Over a hit and run?'

Frosch crossed over to the other side of the room and closed the blinds. 'There's more to it than that,' he said, his voice low. 'Turns out, the guy was sho

Hello!

Today I am looking to sell two knives as one lot to save on shipping costs.

The CEO has only been carried once or twice. Awesome knife that feels like its a lot more than $40 retail. (B)

The Gerber is also sweet with an old fashioned feel to it. This one has seen a little more wear with it being carried for around a month. (B)

Looking for $45 shipped for the pair. Willing to negioate a bit or trade. Hit me up!

https://imgur.com/a/yXkDEkC

The title says it all. Preferably still active, and 18-, but 18+ is fine, though I got tired of that stuff after like an hour... Thanks!

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

I would have a daughter

Capital of Ireland

It's Dublin everyday

But Bill kept the Windows

http://m.imgur.com/ImM3RWz

True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."

I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"

He responds, "it's dead grass."

I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"

.

.

.

He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

You officially hit rock bottom

And then you will all be sorry.

No it doesn't.

Now it’s syncing.

He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"

I will find you. You have my Word.

She said how do you know he was headed to work?

“thank you for your cervix.”

...sails are going through the roof.

###Previous Results 1945 – Sir Archibald Sinclair (Liberal)

1950 – Clement Davies with 50% of the vote

1951 – Clement Davies with 58% of the vote

1955 – Sir Anthony Eden with 67% of the vote

1959 – Harold Macmillan with 75% of the vote

1964 – Jo Grimond with 73% of the vote

1966 – Jo Grimond with 70% of the vote

1970 - Jeremy Thorpe with 53% of the vote

1974 (Feb) - Jeremy Thorpe with 62% of the vote

1974 (Oct) - Jeremy Thorpe with 63% of the vote

1979 - David Steel with 45% of the vote

1983 - David Steel/Roy Jenkins with 47% of the vote

1987 - Margaret Thatcher with 48% of the vote

1992 - Paddy Ashdown with 48% of the vote

1997 - Tony Blair with 62% of the vote

2001 - Tony Blair with 54% of the vote

[2005 - Tony Blair with 49% of the vote](https://old.reddit.com/r/neoliberal/co

Made me smile

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

A taxi

Wait. Sorry, wrong sub.

Wookie mistake.

Theoretical Fizz-ics

Because you can’t ‘C’ in the dark

But now I stand corrected.