Stenkil was one of my first children, he was my illegitimate child with Princess Gunhild Svendsdatter from Denmark, she was married to the King of Sweden, Halsten Stenkilsson at the time, and my son Stenkil became the rightful heir to the throne. This was all, oh... About 77 years ago now? Time flies, I tell you Gunhild did things... But enough about that!
I always kept a long watch on Stenkil, I was just a petty king at the time, not the almost Emperor I am today, and I was proud to have sired the heir to the Kingdom of Sweden! My liasons with Gunhild kept going, but we were caught, she was imprisoned but pardoned. This is where I start my great war with Sweden, and in a fierce battle at Søderkøping King Halsten recieved a fierce blow from my eldest legitimate son, Prince Starkaðr! King Halsten would later succumb to his injuries, and perish.
Stenkil, becomes King of Sweden. Oh, but what was I to do? The entire Kingdom was on the warpath against sweden, they were catholics! And we were reformed Ásatrú! Oh, how I used to lay awake at night and think of my boy Stenkil and how I did not want to make battle with him. But, heavy is the head that wears the crown and I am servant of Odin, we conquered Sweden until they were nothing left, and then when the Kingdom of Sweden was only the island of Sweden, and in the final battle on the island of Gotland I mustered forth all the might of my Kingdoms forces, and crushed the once kingdom of Sweden.
Stenkil, who was once a King, now destitute. This, was something I could not abide. So I made a plan, I hired a man to abduct Stenkil, and when I placed him in my dungeon I made him an offer. I told him, either you convert to Ásatrú, and you join my court, or you die here and now. And lo' and behold he accepted. He hated me at first ofcourse, but I gave him a good wife whom had a title, and I made him a vassal with land. Our relationship gradually improved from then on, and in my 96 years, most of my earlier children are dead.
But, Stenkil! Or should I say Count Stenkil, at the solid age of 72 is still working hard as my spymaster. He has never uttered a word of complaint, and although his health is fading as of now amongst all my children, undoubtedly Stenkil is the one who I have treasured most, and experienced the most with.
I just wanted to tell people about my son, I am very proud of having sired him.
Do your worst!
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
It really does, I swear!
They’re on standbi
Pilot on me!!
Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.
This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.
If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.
Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.
What did 0 say to 8 ?
" Nice Belt "
So What did 3 say to 8 ?
" Hey, you two stop making out "
When I got home, they were still there.
I won't be doing that today!
You take away their little brooms
Buenosdillas
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
There hasn't been a post all year!
It’s pronounced “Noel.”
After all his first name is No-vac
What, then, is Chinese rap?
Edit:
Notable mentions from the comments:
-
Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits
-
French/Finnish art
-
Country/Canadian rap
-
Chinese/Country/Canadian rock
-
Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap
There hasn't been a single post this year!
(Happy 2022 from New Zealand)
Nothing, it just waved
Bob
So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."
Edit: My most popular post on Reddit! 😀 Thank you for the awards.
Just to clarify, 12345678
Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...
Notices there's only 2;
Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."
I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.
I was just sitting there doing nothing.
“BOOM”?!
"That's what they're fighting about."
Because his Visa didn’t work.
Because the audience only responds in a low ha
