Start Here Puns

Gonna make like a baby, and head out.

Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...

I'm jealous.

My son couldn't write his own card when he was born!

When 'swarm out.

They’re telling you to be stable

(My 10 year old nephew just came up with this today and I thought it was r/dadjoke worthy!)

He over 8

Its called WearWolf.

Edit. Everything about this post is supposed to be a dadjoke. Just meant to lure you into the dadjoke trap. Based on the down votes, perhaps too good.

I'll have to start cleaning a few cups around here...

I've got to say I feel I have officially become at one with dad jokes. I have 5 kids, had to take one to hospital today for blood tests. Sat in the waiting room a nurse walks out and looks at me and the wife and says "are you here for the incontinence team" my wife says no, and the nurse turns and starts to walk away, at which point the spirit of the dad jokes takes over and I shout "ooooh....I am now" The nurse turns around and says"you are?" And my wife starts apologising for my bad humour. This is only a week after we were at the till and the cashier asked if I'd like a bag for life, to which I responded "no thanks love, I'm not ready for that sort of commitment yet" My wife really hates taking me out in public.

The punchline is cod awful.

"Pardon me, Is this stool taken?"

Once when my daughter was about six I called for her from the other room saying I had a great present for her. She came running into the room with her eyes bright with excitement. I smiled and said "here it is!" And let out a ripping fart that shook the house. She almost burst into tears and my wife came in and started berating me, chewed my head off. But I know in my heart of hearts that that was hilarious and I'd done the right thing.

Here are 20 more of the most popular dad jokes, for emergency situations where you quickly need a good dad joke:

1. A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
   The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”
2. I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
   I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
3. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
   A receding hare-line.
4. What do you call a cow with two legs?
   Lean beef.
5. What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
   Thanks— I’ll never part with it!
6. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
   They always take things literally.
7. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
   Between you and me, something smells.
8. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
   Because the “P” is silent.
9. Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
   I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?"
10. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
    He just needed a little space.
11. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
    A nervous wreck.
12. What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
    Re-Morse code.
13. Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
    They dribble all the time.
14. I poured root beer in a square glass.
    Now I just have beer.
15. What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
    A cat has claws at the end of paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
16. The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.
    And 21.
17. What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?
    A chew-chew train.
18. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
    Envelope.
19. Why is England the wettest country?
    Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
20. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
    Because he was a little horse.

NB: I curated these from a much longer list that was published by Reader's Digest, which is also why you see many of these appear regularly in this sub.

Amir

While he's waiting for the locksmith, the first customer of the day comes by, and they start chatting.

"Hey, do you guys have spaghetti here?" They ask. "Yes, we do. " says the owner.

"What about penne? Do you have penne too?" He asks. "Yes, we have penne as well," the owner says.

"Wow," the customer says, "it looks like you guys have a lot of kinds of pasta... but gnocchi."

Saint Peter notices he's lost most of his hair, and asks a passing angel if there are any wigs in heaven. "My halo's gotten mighty uncomfortable without any hair to cushion it!" he gripes.

"Sorry, I've never seen a wig up here," says the angel. Saint Peter asks angel after angel, but none of them can help.

Then Saint Peter gets a great idea. "Why didn't I think of this sooner!" he exclaims excitedly. So he travels to the underworld and meets with Satan. A grinning Satan is happy to help out with a discreet hairpiece, and soon Saint Peter is on his way back to Heaven.

When he arrives, God and a large crowd of angels are waiting for him, glaring in disapproval.

Saint Peter wasn't surprised. He knew from the start that there would be some Hell toupee.

I'm a son without a father... I lost him a few days ago to a heart attack and I just... can't stop crying

We both used to check out this sub daily for amazing dad jokes and laugh at them together... We'd try to form our own stupid stuff

I used to wake up for college early in the morning I'd cook some breakfast for him get ready and before leaving I'd wake him up and tell him a stupid dad joke... I'd want to see him start his day with a smile

I just want to thank you all in this sub for giving me and my dad happiness your jokes made us laugh at our worst times

Out of habit I keep getting up to go to his room with a dad joke... Only to see it empty

I'm never gonna get to mess around with my dad again... I'm never going to hang out with him again he's not going to be there to see me grow up and buy a house of my own ... He's not going to see me buy a car of own ... He's not going to see me get married... He's gone forever and I will never get to start my day with a smile again from a silly dad joke with him

He wasn't the greatest dad but he certainly was the best I could ever ask for ... I will miss you dad

Thank you r/dadjokes to all the amazing dads here and their funny and stupid jokes

Edit : thank you so much dad's for your overwhelming support I love you guys and I just want to take a moment to thank all the people here who shared their experiences as well of having lost a parent... Your story inspires me to continue forward with the torch

Also I'm seeing quite a few comments saying the post is not funny and that they came for a laugh... I'm truly sorry about that, I just really wanted to honor my dad in this sub since we spent so much time together here scrolling for jokes and I needed the push from you dads to get back on my feet

I'm never going to be the same that's for sure knowing a peice of me has been lost forever... The void will never be filled in my heart But your support is just what I needed, once again thank you dads I love you

Edit 2: thank you so much dads for your overwhelming support I know I haven't been able to respond to all the dms and messages here but I've been reading them all and it's just made me smile in the worst Thank you dads you guys are the best

A terrible thing happened this morning. I was dreaming that I was telling a joke but just before I said the punchline, my alarm went off and woke me up. Now I’m left in limbo.

Can anyone here suggest a punchline?

The joke started: So, there were three robots on the surface of Mars…

Investigator

This was not any ordinary bird however, as he was able to speak and understand English at a perfect level. For quite a while, he didn't use it much to his advantage. He was content simply fluttering around and living peacefully with his bird wife.

But one day, tragedy struck! Our bird one day woke up to an empty nest, no bird kids, no bird wife, just him and some twigs.

He starts asking around his bird community, and eventually pieces together that his bird wife got tired of him and his lack of ambition. She took the bird kids and flew off to stay with her bird Mother.

Our bird was left with an overwhelming sense of listlessness, realizing that everything he had worked towards in his bird life was now gone.

Our bird, now destitute and lonely, decided he was tired of bird life, and wanted to use his English speaking ability to try something new.

He decides to fly into the nearest human town, and observe for a bit. He perched himself on a tree overlooking the main street of the town, and simply watched.

After an hour or two, he noticed several people heading into a building, one labelled as "Bar". He decides that if he wants to truly utilize his prowess of the English language, the best place to start is with other English speakers, so he flies down to the building and hops his way inside.

Our bird makes his way over the bar, hops up on a stool, and says "Hey bartender, can I get a drink?" The bartender and a few other people nearby notice that these words came out of a bird and are immediately and completely enthralled and bewildered by this sight.

The bartender saunters over and asks "Did you just ask for a drink? But you're a bird! I've never seen anything like this before, but if you want a drink I'm happy to oblige".

The bartender pours the bird some water, places it in front of him, and they start chatting. After realizing what was happening, every patron at the bar is standing around the bird, eager to get another peek at this otherworldly phenomenon. People ask the bird some questions, and the bird happily responds, informing them all of his plight and his goal to take full advantage of his gift. More people make their way to him, snapping pictures and videos to share with their friends. The bird loves all the attention and is more than happy to indulge each and every customer who comes up to him.

After a few hours, closing time rolls around. Most people make their way out of the bar, ecstatic to share their newfound memories with family an

A new worker, Rowan, is starting at a factory job and is receiving instructions from their manager, Colm.

"The items come out in batches over here. You're going to sort them by eye and place them into the corresponding shelves for the guys on the other side to stack and move out. There are five possible label colors, indicating destination," he gestures at the column labels above the shelves. "Within each color the stack order doesn't matter except that our most fragile product, our red flowers, have to ship out on top and then any cans of caviar just below them. So if either of those products are in the batch, put them on their corresponding higher shelf. Everything else goes on the lower shelf."

Rowan gets the gist and begins work placing items in their appropriate column of shelves, keeping an eye out for flowers and caviar.

However, there is little to do. The prodigious worker just before this step in the assembly line had been picking up the slack while Rowan's position was vacant, and hadn't been told yet that the job was filled.

So Rowan waits for any sorting to be needed, but each batch of items that arrives is only ever one color of tag, and the delicate items are always already on top. All day, Rowan only ever has to move them over to the correct column.

Later in the day, Colm is checking up on Rowan, not realizing that their work today is redundant. He sees from across the factory that Rowan isn't doing much work and has lots of downtime between new batches. So he makes the long walk over to them.

"Rowan, why aren't you sorting all those items into separate columns? You're just moving them into one column every time!" argues Colm, annoyed.

"Well, each batch always consists of only one color. I don't know what to tell you," replies Rowan.

"I'm sure thats not true! And I suppose the rose and roes just rose to the top rows?"

Rowan just shrugs and says "Look, I just column like I see 'em."

I was caught between The Rock and a card place.

He said I needed heron aids.

I'm training for this ahead of time.

Edit #1: Thank you reddit. I think you ensured I will be getting divorced. Don't let up, it's full steam ahead.

Edit #2: My wife hates train puns. I sent her screen shots. She's on to my loco-motives.

Edit #3: I'm speechless. Largely because it's like 6am and I want to stay quiet to not wake up my wife, she's out coal'd, snoring like a freight train. I feel like you all really railed it with these jokes. I hope that she doesn't chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga choose choose to divorce me. I couldn't wait until the train ride. I told my wife some of the jokes. I working on a YouTube compilation of them from last night. I feel like she conducted herself quite well.

Edit #4: [These jokes were off the rails. Here is the YouTube link of my wife's reaction so far.] (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)

Edit #5: I'm about to start training.

This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.

I picked up my friend and we went for a drive. As I got to an intersection, I ran through a red light. My friend kind of looked at me and said, "Hey, that was a light red?" I said yes, but reassured him that it was okay because my brother does it all of the time.

Soon I came upon another intersection and drove right through another red light. The car coming the other way honked at me. My friend is starting to freak out and said, "Dude, you just ran another red light." I shrugged and told him not to worry about it because my brother does it all of the time.

Here we go again through another red light about 2 minutes later and almost got clipped by another car coming the other way. My friend is now clearly upset as he yells at me to stop doing that. I just told him not to be concerned because my brother does it all the time.

At the next intersection the light is green. I slammed on my breaks. My friend yells at me, "The light is green... What are you doing?! GO!"

I told him that I shouldn't because my brother might be coming the other way.

He said "Hey, do you have a moment to help save the environment?" I said "Absolutely." So he gave me a pamphlet, I recycled it right away.

A coconut.

Finland

EDIT: I LOVE THE COMMENTS!!! YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME! Please keep this going.

... you need a beta pun."

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

He was in his hostel when suddenly there was a tsunami warning. He casually takes a blunt from his bag and starts to smoke it when a room cleaner walks in.

The cleaner says “you can’t smoke here, sir.”

The student replies “There was a tsunami warning. When there’s a tsunami you’re supposed to get as high as you can.”

This is a compilation from the internet, and a few I made or heard myself. Hope you laugh!

^((Elephant Jokes were a thing from the 1960s. You can read about them on Wikipedia.))

^((Each section should be read all at once, in order. Some sections also reference previous sections. ))

Mouse

Q: Why did the elephant run from the mouse?

A: Because it had a bazooka.

Q: Why did the mouse chase the elephant?

A: To steal the bazooka.

Toenails

Q: Why did the elephant paint its toenails red?

A: So it could hide in a cherry tree.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

A: Works, doesn't it?

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is hiding in a cherry tree?

A: Tickle the cherries and see if they laugh.

Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

A: A giraffe eating cherries.

Q: How can you tell if there have been elephants in your fridge?

A: There are footprints in the custard.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails yellow?

A: That's not paint, it's custard.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, blue, green, orange, yellow, and brown?

A: So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.

Q: How did the mouse break his back?

A: He tried to carry a bag of M&Ms home from the store.

Oak Trees

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?

A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?

A: Parachute him from an airplane.

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 1 and 2 in the afternoon?

A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the oak tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: Why is it dangerous to walk in the forest between 3 and 4 in the afternoon?

A: That's when the elephants fall out of the oak trees.

Q: What is a furry alligator?

A: A bear that crossed the woods at 3:30 in the afternoon.

Under the Bed

Q: How can you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your bed?

A: He has a big 'E' on hi

How lame.

Here name was Onya, and she invented the starting pistol.

but the chick peas can only hummus one.

Once you start coming here, you won't be able to stop.

A cleaning material was usually put onto it to clean them, but it was very sticky, and had to be taken off before someone could go on it. One day, a man comes home to his wife stuck on the toilet seat because he didn't take the stuff off.

"Jim! How could you not tell me you cleaned it?! I can't get off!"

"It's alright honey, I'll help you"

After he tries many times to remove the seat from his wife's bottom, he still can't get it off. His wife is in pain and agony. Jim suggests that they visit the local doctor. His wife is mortified, but she reluctantly agrees.

They arrive at the hospital and request to see a doctor. The lady at the front desk told them to sit down and wait.

"Jim, everyone here is staring at me!"

"It's alright honey"

His wife is on the verge of tears, and Jim is still finding the situation hard to believe. Eventually, the doctor calls them into his room.

"So, what seems to be the problem today, ma'am?"

She explains what happened to the doctor. The doctor nods, and starts calling for some assistance.

"Jim, he's never seen anything like this before"

The doctor looks over.

"I have seen it before, just never framed and mounted"

I should start cleaning a few mugs around here..