Spoon Jokes And Puns

• What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

• If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

• Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

• Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

• I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

• Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

• I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

• How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

• Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

• I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

• Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

• I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

• Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

• Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

• Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

• When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

• I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

• Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

• Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

• I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

• Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

• Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

• Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

• Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

• I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

• Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

• So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

• When you get an infection, urine trouble.

• "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

• How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

• Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

• Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

• What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

The circumstances for this joke were so specific I don't think it will ever be repeated.

Yesterday morning I stopped by my parent's house and my mom had just made coffee. She buys "raw unfiltered honey" from a local farmers market to sweeten the coffee. First she handed my dad his cup, then she was about to put a spoonful of honey in mine when she stopped and said "there's something in this honey!"

I looked at it and it was literally a bee's hairy little leg. I looked in the jar and found one more. I said "its no big deal, im sure its fine", then I picked out the legs. Just then my dad takes a big sip and makes an "Ahhh" sound like he's satisfied. He then holds up the cup and smiles at us like he's in a 1950's Folgers commercial and says "This coffee is the BEE'S KNEES!"

It was epic.

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

Grandpa was usually pretty stoic, but he had one joke that he never got tired of. Whenever we sat at the table and were about to take a sip of a drink or a spoonful of soup a loud "SSSSSLLUUUUUURRRRRP" would come from Grandpa, who then told us with all seriousness that we were being too noisy with our meals

So me and my girl are enjoying hillside picnic. I begin to poke at her freckles. She asks "If i didnt have freckles would you still love me?" I respond jokingly "No". She sits up quickly and says "I'm leaving!" then proceeds to crawl to my side, transforming me into the little spoon. I ask "I thought you left?", she replies "I am Left". All hell breaks loose.

So my wife's birthday was coming up, and she really loves absinthe. Lately she had been talking about visiting some bars or restaurants that served it, so I decided to splurge a bit and buy her a set of glasses and spoons, along with a nice bottle of "the green fairy."

Doing a little research, I discovered that a local distillery produced a well-regarded version of it, so I decided to hit a few liquor stores around town to see if they carried it. As luck would have it, the first place I went to did have some in stock.

I took it up to the counter and got into a conversation with the cashier. I explained how this was going to be a birthday present for my wife, and hopefully it would score me a few points in the romance department. His response: "Well, you know what they say--absinthe makes the heart grow fonder!"

I was dumbstruck. He started to apologize for his "corny joke" (as he put it), but I waved him off and was finally able to commend him on his brilliance. The best part of all--I have a great dadjoke I can repeat to co-workers and family members (or anyone else who will listen) for repeated eye rolls and exasperated groans.