Shirtless Puns

“Listen! You never listen!”

My brother took one look at me and said it was the worst case of mowlawn rouge he had ever seen.

He gets a groan and a high five from this guy.

3-year-old son: "Put on my clothes!" Wife: "Your clothes are dirty. You don't need a shirt for dinner." Son: "Put on my clothes!" Me: "I don't think your clothes will fit me."

Edit: spelling

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

During a scene where a wandering and shirtless Superman takes someone's clothes from a random clothesline...

Me: Wait a sec, Superman doesn't steal!

Dad: Sure he does. Why do you think this movie is called "Man of Steal"?

I've never been close with my dad, but he got me good this morning. My band got a short review online, and the first image is another band's picture of shirtless, tattooed dudes.

Dad (sarcastically): Is that you guys, half-naked and tattooed up?

Me: Ha, yeah that's us. Nobody's ever noticed till now.

Dad: I know, I barely even recognized you.

I was talking to my dad about being a male stripper for Halloween and he really didn't want me to, so he asked me how would my girlfriends parents feel if they saw me shirtless and in jorts. I asked him if he had any better ideas to which he responded "can't you just color your eyes black and write a giant P on your shirt and go as a black eye pee".

I said, “Well, you’re always saying I never glisten.”

My wife said, “Listen! You never listen!”