When I asked my daughter what she wanted for dinner, she said with a straight face, "uncooked boys."
Ramen. Took me second, but I was much relieved when I figured it out.
A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husbands funeral. She said "Certainly."
He stood up and said "Plethora" , and the woman said "Thanks, that means a lot."
And another man stood up and said, "Bargain" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means a great deal."
Yet another stood up and said, "Earth" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means the world."
Yet another stood up and said, "Infinity" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means more than you can imagine."
Yet another stood up and said, "Being Alive" and the woman said, "Thanks, my husband would have loved that."
Another person simply held up a sprig of mentha spicata, and the widow said, "Thanks, that's a lovely scent of mint."
My daughter said she needed adult supervision
I told her she'd have to find someone else because I wear corrective lenses
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace!”
I asked my daughter, "If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?" Rolling her eyes, she said, "I give up. What?"
"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"
My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.
So i bought her a candle.
I proposed to my girlfriend at the gym and she said "no."
I guess it didn't workout.
My wife interrupted me while I was singing "Somebody that I used to know". She said I'm too addicted to the song.
And I agree, but she didn't have to cut me off.
My wife said she'll divorce me if I keep making puns about birds with long necks.
That's swan way to go about it.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked.
"Because she has no taste."
My wife watched me put ten stamps on an envelope once. She said:
I think you should put one more on
My wife said she would kick me out the house if I kept doing my flamingo impressions.
So I had to put my foot down.
Finished singing a song with my 4yo and she said “that’s song’s a bummer.” I said “bummer means something that brings you down or makes you sad. I think you meant to say that song’s a banger.”
She said, “No, I meant to say that you’re a bummer.”
So proud 😢
ETA: that
My daughter asked me why there are a lot of soaps that smell like lavender. I said "It's just a popular smell that a lot of people like, like sweet orange, lemongrass and rosemary." She paused and then nodded and replied:
"Yes, that seems like common scents."
Last night my 13 y/o daughter was cooking spaghetti and she said, "Do you know how to tell when pasta is done?"
I said, "how?"
She goes, "When it's all-done-te!"
Very proud.
I got into an argument with my sister the other day. She said it was impossible to make a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?" She laughed and said...
"No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
My wife said to me “take off my dress” so I did. Then she said “take off my bra.” And I did. She then said “take off my panties.” Then I did.
She finished by saying “don’t wear my clothes anymore!”
My daughter (1st grade) asked what she should write her book about. I said...
"Write about a little tree whose roots are in books but was stumped about what to write about. So she branches out and picks up poe-tree".
I personally think I nailed it. She was not amused.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." Concerned, she asked, "Which doctor?"
I chuckled, "No, the regular kind!"
My wife said she was going to give our infant timeout if he wouldn’t stop quoting Dirty Dancing, but I wasn’t having that.
Nobody puts baby in a corner.
My wife said she'd like to have another baby...
I agreed. The one we have is starting to annoy me.
"I wouldn't be caught dead in maternity wear" She said
"Of course not." Said I. "That would make it eternity wear."
My wife tried to tell a dad joke and failed miserably. She said, "I'll see myself out."
I don't think she'll get a laugh from Myself Out.
Me: She said she'd leave if I keep doing Borat impressions
My therapist: who said that?
Me: My wife
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.
Met a girl in the pub last night who said she'd show me a good time...
Got outside and she ran 100m in 9.72 seconds
I asked my wife a suggestion for an exercise routine and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said, “That sounds like a big step.”
I just baked some bread for my mom and she said thanks.
I told her it was the yeast i could do.
My wife went out last night. She told me to do the dishes and mop the floor before she gets home. I said, NO…
I’ll mop the floor and then do the dishes! I don’t have to do what you say!
My girlfriend said she was planning on leaving me because of my obsession with touching pasta
Now she's gone I'm feeling Cannelloni.
My landlady said she is evicting the tenant with the worst posture ...
A woman was sipping a glass of wine while relaxing with her husband... "I love you so much, she said, I don't know how I could live without you:
Her husband asked, "is that you or the wine talking"?
She replied "it's me, talking to the wine"
My high school daughter was caught sneaking alcohol into school and when questioned said it was her "best friend's" and she was just carrying it.
l'm just proud my daughter still thinks of me as her best friend!
My wife gave me an ultimatum - she said it was either her or my addiction to sweets…
The decision was a piece of cake!
My wife and I are staying at a hotel. The street in front of the main entrance is called Griffin Drive. I told my wife that I was going to call the main entrance the "Harry Potter Entrance." She asked me why and I said...
Because it's the Griffin Door.
She didn't get it. And didn't think it was funny when I explained it. I thought it might be better received here.
My wife said she was leaving me after my obsession with monkeys ...
I thought she was joking...
But then I saw her face...
My mum burst into tears as I placed her 50th Birthday card in her hands, she said
"One really would of been enough"
My wife said she was leaving me, because of my obsession with the Thesaurus
I said "No wait, I can change, swap, exchange or switch.
I made my special sausage-and-okra stew this evening. Asked my wife how it is and she said,
I came home the other night to find my wife crying on the floor. I said “what’s wrong?” She said “I’m homesick”. I said “what do you mean, you’re at home.”
She said “I know. I’m sick of it.”
Help! My wife said I farted even though I didn't. I insisted that it wasn't me but she keeps telling me that I farted and that it's gross.
At couples therapy, the husband said, "I can't take it. She is always referencing Star Wars. I'm leaving".
His wife looked at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one."
My wife said she was going to take a dump...
I told her she was full of shit
My wife said she wanted me to be her daddy.
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