Man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him that he thinks he can see into the future.
The doctor asks, "When did this start?"
Patient replies, "Next Tuesday"
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︎ Feb 16 2021
A guy walks into a bar and is surprised to see his family doctor there
A guy walks into a bar and is surprised to see his family doctor there, so he walks over to join him. "What a coincidence!" the guy says. "I was just saying earlier today that I really needed a doctor's appointment." The doctor pulls up his calendar on his phone and says, "Well, how about 10 tomorrow?" "No," the guy replies. "I don't need that many."
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︎ Jan 16 2021
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
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︎ Sep 09 2020
Doctor I think Iβve gained the ability to see into the future
It all started next Tuesday
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︎ Oct 29 2020
I heard my niece screaming that she was drowning in the bathroom. I ran quickly into the bathroom to see what was wrong.
She had a glass of water on her head and said βIβm underwaterβ
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︎ Aug 26 2020
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: βI can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
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︎ Jul 12 2020
I blow into a dog whistle every time I see the sun setting
It's always nice to end the day on a high note
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︎ Mar 06 2020
The overweight guy at the bank could see into the future
he was a four-chin teller
π︎ 27
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︎ Dec 27 2019
A Welshman, an Irishman and an Englishman walk into a park and see a slide. This is no ordinary slide, mind you, this slide is magic!
Anything you say as you're going down the slide is what you will land in.
The Irishman goes first.
"A POT OF GOLD!" he yells as he slides down and he lands in a pot of gold.
The Welshman goes next.
"POT OF DIAMONDS!" he yells just as loud as the Irishman and he lands in a pot of diamonds.
The Englishman goes next, but he's been on the drink, so he stumbles his way up the slide, then, as he begins his journey down the slide, he yells, "WEEEEE!"
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︎ Oct 13 2019
A lawyer and a law maker had been in an argument for several years, escalating into a bet to see who would break the law first. The lawyer then found himself in a trial against the law maker.
The law maker was outlawed.
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 05 2020
I have an ability to see into wrapped presents
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︎ Dec 20 2019
My girlfriend says she can see what I'm thinking when she looks into my eyes
I hate when she takes my words out of contacts
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 06 2020
Did you guys see the new Adventures of Tin Tin movie? His soul gets removed from his body and put into an industrial drum fan.
I'd rate it tin out of tin. Big fan
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︎ May 23 2019
I entered 10 of my best puns into a competition to see if any would win
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︎ Jun 04 2019
No matter how attractive you may find him/her, never ask a photographer to step into a dark room and see what develops.
The answer is almost always in the negative. (Yes, it's a bad pun--enough to make you shutter.)
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︎ Jun 21 2019
I can see two years into the future
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︎ Nov 26 2018
Did you guys see the video of the dolphin knocking the trainer into the pool?
Some say it was an accident, but I think he did it on porpoise.
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 04 2019
I wasn't surprised to see mannequins when I walked into the boutique...
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︎ Jul 06 2019
Me; *bumps into a hoe who I haven't seen in a while* Me; thot you weren't gonna see me anymore, did you
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 11 2018
Can you believe how far technology has come?! Now doctors can use lasers to enable you to see into the future!
Mine just told me after my surgery I'll have 2020 vision!
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︎ Jan 10 2019
Guy walks into a hospital, says βIβm blind!β Doctor says βoh, I seeβ
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 05 2018
Three ropes are walking into a bar when they see a sign outside that says, "We don't serve ropes."
The first rope goes in and asks for a drink and the bartender says, "We don't serve ropes. You'll have to leave."
The second rope goes in and asks for a drink and the bartender says, "We don't serve ropes. You'll have to leave."
The third rope ties himself in a knot and undoes his top braid a bit and ruffles it up. He goes in and asks for a drink. The bartender asks, "Say, aren't you a rope?"
He replies, "I'm a frayed knot."
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︎ Nov 21 2017
Iβm walking into a grocery store, and I see a random dad leaving as I enter. He hands me his empty cart and says to me,
βLeft some gas in it for youβ
π︎ 16
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︎ Sep 26 2018
I can see two years into the future
You could say I have 20/20 vision
π︎ 8
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︎ Jul 26 2018
What did the man say when he looked back into the toilet to see that his poop was in a circle?
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 19 2018
Me: I donβt think I can make it in today. I canβt see. Boss:What? You canβt see? Me: yeah, I canβt see myself coming into work
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︎ May 31 2018
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︎ May 10 2017
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︎ Mar 19 2015
I submitted 10 Dad jokes into a contest to see if one would win.
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︎ Feb 12 2017
Walked into the office only to see my printer flying around my monitor.
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︎ Jul 14 2017
Took my son to see Ant Man and wife asked if the ending leads into a potential sequel...
I said "Yeah, at the end his sidekick appears...Uncle Man!"
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︎ Aug 14 2015
My dad wasn't so much into puns, like most of the ones I see on here, but he definitely had some dad jokes.
Back in the day, my dad would lay this one on me often.
After we did something together, "I don't care what your mother says, you're a great son" but the last part would change depending on what we were doing at the time.
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︎ Jan 22 2014
Dadjoke while walking into 40k store. No takers. Lets see what I get here
First time at a Warhammer 40k store. I'm familiar with the game but have never played. Display window has a seven foot marine figure that is painted and badass. As I walk in,
"Whoa! How many points to play him?!?"
Me pointing at marine.
Three nerds playing magic stop to look at me.
Store employee looks up without moving his head.
Two other store patrons turn to look at me.
Crickets.
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︎ Aug 22 2014
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor says: βI can tell right away that youβre not eating rightβ
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︎ Jul 12 2020
I can see 6 years into the future
Thanks to my 2020 vision.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Oct 21 2014
I can see 2 years into the future
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︎ Aug 18 2018
I can see exactly 6 years into the future
Thanks to my 2020 vision.
π︎ 39
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︎ Jan 05 2014
I can see 5 years into the future...
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︎ Jan 08 2015
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