I ate a kids meal at McDonald’s today…
His parents weren’t too happy about it.
(My dad told me this over brunch today. Gotta love that guy.)
It’s Valentine’s Day today. 3 years ago today I asked my best friend, my childhood sweetheart and the most beautiful girl in the world to marry me
All three of them said no
I quizzed my daughter, "If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?" She frowned, shook her head and responded, "I don't know, what?" I smiled and answered...
"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"
I asked the librarian for help finding a book - it was about Pavlov’s dogs and shroedinger’s cat going on adventures…
She told me “it rings a bell, but I don’t know if we have it or not.”
I remember when I dropped off my son on his first day of school. He looked worried, so I asked him, “What’s wrong?” Nervously he answered, "How long do I have to go to school for?” I laughed and replied, “Until you’re 18." He nodded and thought about it quietly.
When we got to the front gates, he said, “Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you?”
Today I learned that the game, Mortal Kombat is actually based on an old Scandinavian, children’s song.
It’s a Finnish hymn.
Edit for u/mammix and u/Czarcasm and u/Scruluce: “old Nordic, church song.”
I heard this knock knock joke the other day and I’m pretty sure it’s the best I’ve ever heard. Do you want to hear it?
I’m glad that there’s no bad weather-related puns here.
That could lead to a sigh-clone
I’m at my demanding boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at the coffin...
Who's thinking outside the box now, Gary?"
A doctor recently told me I have cancer and now he’s saying that I also have dementia.
At least I don’t have cancer.
There’s a 3-letter word for 24 hours, but I can’t remember it. I’m tired.
I think I’ll call it a day.
I went to my boss’s open-casket funeral
When it was my turn to pay my respects, I leaned in and whispered “Who’s thinking outside the box now, Brian?”
I have a joke about Alzheimer’s disease.
I have a joke about Alzheimer’s disease.
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”
And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”
That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.
A guy falls out the window of a skyscraper. All the way down he’s yelling, “I’m gonna be OK! I’m gonna be OK!”
He was wrong on so many levels.
I can’t believe it’s not...
I asked my friend what’s his opinion of sex before marriage?
“It’s ok ,so long as it doesen’t delay the ceremony for too long.”
My son’s fourth birthday was today. When he came to see me, I didn’t recognize him at first.
I had never seen him be four
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible
In the 80's and 90's, I was so addicted to rap that I would hang posters of my favorite artists all over my room. One day, I was ready hang yet another one. I marked the perfect spot on the wall, picked up a nail, and then thought to myself... stop.
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
I was about to play pool with my friend Jacqueline and asked her, “Where’s your cue?”
She said, “It’s right between the c and the u.”
I tripped over my wife’s bra this morning in our darkened bedroom.
Airplane doesn’t have usb C. But I guess it’s got USB- See
I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden..
But how am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
I remember my grandfather’s last words before he kicked the bucket…
I’m gonna kick that bucket.
I’m getting real sick of millennial’s attitudes…
Who do they think they are, walking around like they rent the place.
At first, I didn’t like my wife’s idea of putting a fireplace in our bedroom.
But over time, I’ve warmed up to it.
My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkeys. I thought she must be joking.
but then I saw her face…..
I once tried to join a gymnastics team but it’s harder than you’d think
You have to bend over backwards to get in.
I can’t stand my wife’s ideas for our kitchen redesign and to be perfectly honest, I’m not convinced...
...by her counterarguments.
I threw my wife’s and daughter’s tampons into the garbage disposal.
Now their periods are in sink.
I recently went to the, “World’s tiniest Wind Turbine” exhibit.
My son and I drove past a women’s rights protest today.
Dozens of women were sitting in a line, using breast pumps. My son asked what they were doing. I said …
“Expressing themselves.”
I was wondering my wife’s favourite US state is
Eventually I thought Alaska
“If you’re so clever Holmes what’s this I’m drinking”?
“That’s a lemon tea my dear Watson”.
I decided I wanted to be more like Jesus. I grew my hair long, got into shape and now have a swimmer’s body.
Everyone tells me I nailed it.
I once gave Billy Ray Cyrus a song idea in the early 90’s
He said he would mullet over
I just went to the world’s most stressful circus.
“!desrever m’I won dna gnorw enog sah gnihtemoS !deneppah tahw wonk t’nod I daD”
My wife said that Kevin McCarthy is now the speaker of the house, but I don’t understand how that’s possible.
I studied my taxes for a way to stick it to those crooks at the IRS. I decided to replace every 9 with an 8, every 7 with a 6, every 5 with a 4, every 3 with a 2, and every 1 with a 0. It’s not cheating.
It’s just a way to even the odds.
There’s only one thing I can’t deal with
and that’s a deck of cards glued together
When I’m at someone’s door, I never hear a doorbell
I can’t put my finger on it.
A polish guy went to the optometrist to get his eyes checked. The doctor showed a slide and asked if he could read the letters "C Z W I X B O S T A C Z"
Polish man looked at the slide and excitedly exclaimed "Read it, I know the guy!"
“Kids, I’m excited to announce what’s for dinner tonight…”
I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden
But how am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
Today was my son’s fourth birthday party and I didn’t recognize him at first because...
I’d never seen him be four!
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