Rope Drag Puns

I'm pulling an all-knighter.

The guy was tired after biking over 300 miles in Arizona. He decided he would hitch a ride. He started thumbing and this dude pulls up in white sports car.

The driver of the white are is like "I can give you a ride but the bike won't fit..." Well they get to talking and decide that they would tie a rope around the frame of the bike and the driver would tow him along slowly. The driver told the bicyclist to just use his bike horn if he went too fast.

At first, our cyclist was not sure but after a couple of miles....it was nice. Going along at a nice pace without needing to keep pedaling.

Well, after about 40 miles they get into town and get uip to a stoplight. Well, this red sports car comes up and the two drivers start eyeballing each other. The engines start to roar.

The light turns green....and they are off.

The two cars race past a billboard where a police car has set up a speed trap. The older cop, Dan, says to the younger cop, Jim... "It is definitely time to retire."

The younger officer, who just looked up from his phone and asks "Why Dan?"

Dan's reply? "I just saw two cars drag racing with some idiot on a bike honking to pass"

Some stories have hooks.

This story has a bloody good one.

It's about love—

Or at least marriage.

My marriage.

At heart, it's your typical fish out of water story, but like I said there's a hook.

The hook's in the beginning.

Although it's really the tail end that's most moving—at least now, when our love's drying up.

Understand:

I'm a fisherman, and I caught my wife with another man.

Well, I caught the man first.

I used Craigslist.

But I suppose the details don't really matter. It's enough to know that by the time he was naked in the shed it was too late for him to change his mind.

He broke down easily. He wasn't particularly thick skinned.

That's where the hook came in—

pushed through a fold of flesh on his back.

He wasn't much in the size department, but I didn't intend for him to get hung up on it. Unfortunately, he kept trying to escape, so what choice did I have? Then he seemed quite insecure, so I pierced him with another steel hook just in case.

Like I said:

Bloody good hook.

After he stopped struggling, I took him down and dragged him to my boat. Then we went fishing.

Hold on, though.

I may need to backtrack a little, because you may be wondering how I even knew she was out there.

The answer is: I'd already seen her swimming a few times.

It was love at first sight.

Like many couples nowadays we met on the net.

So back to when I was fishing:

I was in my boat with the Craigslist man with the steel hooks in his back. I had tied a thick rope to one of the hooks, placed the man onto a net, and pushed them both overboard. He splashed and choked, attracting a lot of attention.

I waited for her call.

It came.

She sounded so near to me.

When she swam just close enough to the Craigslist man in the water, I pulled in the net—and there she was: shining, mine to the gills and writhing so enticingly!

I took her ashore.

I placed her in a water tank and told her she would be my wife.

I screwed her—

shut.

For days I watched her bang—

on the glass.

Until one day it happened: the glass cracked, the tank broke open, and with the water she spilled onto the floor.

Now here I am, watching my marriage fall apart.

Her gills are barely stirring.

Her face: dry and still.

It's only her scaly tail that's still gently moving.

I caught my wife with another man. I met her on the net. I thought our love would last forever, but now, listening to her shriek, I realize I was catfished! I wanted to marry a siren—but this thing is nothing