It wasn’t bad for a constellation prize.
It was a Mister E
That’s the story of my life
Ophthalmologist: - "Ahh, thank you so much! This is a crystal ball in the shape of an Eye. For your birthday I will...."
Gynaecologist: "Don't even think about it!"
No one ever addresses the elephant in the room.
...he will finally get his Masters of Puppets. 🤘
I told them, "Anyone who fits into my clothes, certainly isn't starving. "
Their flight was deleied.
They're good dunkers, but every now and then they fall apart
And I am going to keep telling it until you get it.
Purée!!!
(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Apparently they are looking for a man with a big moo-stash.
This award is my crowning achievement but this is the only plaque that’s allowed in my house.
So I had it placed in protective custardy
it was a lot of new deli cases
And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"
The practitioner uttered through a smile, “just what the doctor ordered”.
"E” “I” “E” “I” “O"
Because he was outstanding in his field.
I agreed and wired him the money. What’s the wurst that could happen?
AYE MATEY!
Urine for a surprise!
But that’s a story for another time
Posthumously!
Now I've got post traumatic stress
I had stage freight.
A pet-degree
It’s the Jehovah’s witnesses working from home
but they're the ones that keep requesting contactless delivery!
I think he might be a Labrador Receiver.
I've won a Nobellly Prize.
They even had a shift differential!
After my first couple weeks I received a case of hotdogs along with my paycheck. I thought nothing of it, but then it happened again next payday, and honestly the paycheck felt a little short.
I approached my boss and asked him what the deal was.
He said "your paycheck? Yeah that's just your day rates."
"And the hot dogs?" I asked
"Nitrates"
A broken drum. You just can’t beat it.
I think my delivery may be off.
Wife: "It's sunny outside"
Me: <continuing> "...the rain will be light."
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡A dogerpillar.
This was a joke from my first book of jokes I received on my 8th birthday. I felt it was appropriate on my cake day.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
"Thanks! I'll never part with this!"
Because everyone got confused when someone said “king me” and they received a royal crown
Without hesitation my wife said, "that's unfortunate"
But John came in fifth and only got a toaster.
But he cane fifth and won a toaster
But he came fifth and won a toaster.
