Some people say, β€œPotato, potahto” as if theres no real difference , but in my opinion…

Theres a STARCH difference.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedalamo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Why don’t the Golden Globe awards go to real people?

Because all the winners are paid actors.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EliteCombatWombat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s not a real economic downturn until people stop buying pre-shredded cheese.

That’s the start of the grate depression

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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During my trip to Madrid I was staying at this small motel when I grew pretty ill. Thankfully the people at the front desk sent the on call doctor over and he was able to fix me up real quick. I told him I didn't expect such a small place to have such a good doctor, to which he told me

Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RKO-Cutter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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People used to describe my father as a real β€œMan’s Man” the type to get all the men talking at the party. However he never really spoke to me,

I guess to me he was more of a β€œMime’s Man”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTayloceraptor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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People spend real money on special shiny internet points for this site that are usually rewarded to comments that are humorous and witty.

Does that make those comments comedy gold?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kushala-dankora
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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You ever drop a real big fart, and it makes all of the people in your vicinity laugh really hard?

That's a great scents of humor.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dizzybuzz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Its a good thing that x-ray glasses aren't real, or there would be a lot of good looking people with cancer.
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oneidamojo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad gets high all the time

He’s a pilot.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mezzomaniac
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2022
🚨︎ report
It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Utkarsh_Anand2004
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2022
🚨︎ report
What is the most dangerous part of a church?

The pews.

πŸ‘︎ 200
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πŸ‘€︎ u/examplememe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2022
🚨︎ report
How does Dr. Frankenstein keep track of his body parts?

He uses an organ-izer.

πŸ‘︎ 740
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2021
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What do you call a Wizard who’s really bad at football?

Fumbledore

*my seven year old son claimed he made this up. If it’s true, I’m a proud pop!

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChazMcGreedly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Many people don’t take climate change seriously

it would be cooler if they did

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Transitionals
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2021
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The Greatest Fighter In The World

So there was a man who considered himself the greatest fighter in the world. Every time he got in a fight growing up, he'd win, and it would never even be close. Eventually he ran out of people in town to fight, and he decided that he'd travel the world, looking for all the best fighters, and beat them in combat.

He travels to Japan, China, India, Russia, France, Ireland, going all about the world, fighting everyone who thinks they're the best fighters in the world- and beats them easily. There's no real sense of competition, he just defeats every challenger in humiliating fashion.

But travelling the world looking for the best fighters takes a lot of time, and there's always another person thinking that they're the best fighter in the world, so he issues a challenge to anyone in the world who thinks that they're the best fighter to come to his house and fight.

The day arrives, and HUNDREDS of people have shown up. All of the best practitioners of all the world's martial arts have shown up. There's a group of judoka from Japan, Israeli Krav Maga artists stretching out on one side of the room, the Muay Thai artists are doing light striking to warm up- everyone seems represented here. The guy who started all this says "OK, there are a lot of you here, and the only way we'll be able to finish this today is if we group you all up by discipline, you all form a line, and I'll beat each of you in turn."

So he starts with the wrestlers, who line up one at a time. One at a time they come at him, and none of them last longer than a minute before having their shoulders pinned to the ground. Not only do they all get beaten, but it seems like this guy is actually winning his fights faster as the day goes on! Some of the fighters from the other disciplines watch this display, and they start leaving.

The guy looks at his watch, and realizes that three hours have gone by in fighting the wrestlers. So he gestures to the Muay Thai artists and says "I'll now fight you, but I'll fight you four at a time!" The Muay Thai fighters figure they can knock this guy out quickly, then settle the honor of who the best fighter is amongst themselves, so they line up four by four, rush in, and in a flurry of elbows and knees, they all end up knocked out on the ground. Four by four the Muay Thai fighters rush in, only for this guy to remain standing after all of them. This is intimidating to the other fighters who are watching, and more people start heading home.

H

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SweetHatDisc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2022
🚨︎ report
My Dad: β€œI went to the store today and they were completely out of Miralax.”

Me: β€œThe real problem is that there are a lot of people out there who can’t give a shit.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/atarimoe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2022
🚨︎ report
What rhymes with orange.

No it doesn't.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Remo1975
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
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Howard
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DefNotInTheOven
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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An American wants to enter a nightclub

Together with some friends from abroad, an Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leemhuis
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Apparently the COVID vaccine causes constipation

When I got mine the other day they told me I had to wait 3 weeks to get number 2.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oscargamble
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Why does Jesus look skinny in most depictions of him?

He does too much Crossfit.

Credit goes to /u/HarleyArchibaldLeon for the original.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tamer_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2021
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What's something a drug dealer would never ask?

"Is Pepsi okay?"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baronradd
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
If somebody eats a lot of pasta and smoke weed

Are they a pastafarian

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeasantCody
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2021
🚨︎ report
A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)

πŸ‘︎ 30k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/megad1rt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What did 2n+1 say to 2n?

I literally can't even

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plainrane
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
All the dad jokes that have made me laugh/breath out my nose since I had my firstborn at the start of 2021

Some of these are border-line uncle jokes. I'm also an uncle. I keep all these jokes in my dadabase. Aka Google notes.

Some of these I got off of podcasts, the dad joke API, some from movies, but most are from this sub. Let me know if you want a source for a joke or if one of them was yours I'll give credit.

It's ok to be Frank with people. Or josh with them. But try not to Rob or Sue them.

What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck

If the USA is so great then why did they make USB?

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa. Which is strange.
You think he'd be from mad-at-gas-car

How did Jesus keep his abs? Crossfit

What does a Jewish cowboy celebrate Yee-Hanukka

What did the stamp say to the letter Stick with me and you'll go places

I gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick She's still not talking to me

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

What word starts with E and ends with E, but only has one letter in it. Envelope βœ‰

Why do people on Athens hate getting up early Because dawn is tough on Grease

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain A purramid

Why do fish like salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze

If april showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? PILGRIMS

Why do cemeteries have fences Because people are dying to get in

Did you know Bruce Lee had a Faster older brother? Sudden lee

Did you know he also had a Vegan brother? Broco lee

Pig black belt in karate Pork chop

How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes in 3 cups of coffee If you have 20 sugar cubes? You have to use all the cubes.

You put 1 in the first cup, one in the second cup, and 18 in the last cup. Because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put on a cup of coffee.

I was going to tell your a joke about Yoga But it's Not working out

What do you do if your wife starts smoking Use some lubricant

did you hear about the woman with 12 breasts? Sounds weird, dozen tit?

What did baby corn say to momma corn ( I got a boy scout selling popcorn to eyeroll me on this one) Where's popcorn

What type of pasta do they serve at a haunted house? Fettuccine Afradio

What do you call a werewolf streamer? Liken subscribe

Why don't Elton John songs have a copyright? You can tell everybody this is your song.

My mom swears up and down cows arent real I was in udder disbelief

Skeleton goes into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop

Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet Because th

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/krowvin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

πŸ‘︎ 29k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mooshoopork4
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t usually tell dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slikisl3git
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a teenager who never grows up?

Constantine

πŸ‘︎ 277
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitiamedved
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.

They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Otherwise-Sherbet
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been saying β€œmucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately

It means a lot to him

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DieserBene
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

Only a fraction of you will understand that

Edit: I see this joke has been quite divisive! Thank you to everyone who made this joke a thousand times better in the comments, you're all amazing, and thank you for the awards!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhoenixFlamebird
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit

It must be viral.

Edit: OMG Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sagbon98
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What tea do rich people buy?

Property

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chichard1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I've often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.

Looking at it now, I see why.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lunarsee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A little real life back and forth that happened with me and my 12 year old

Reposting as I didn’t have enough karma, hopefully I do now 🀞🏻

Just happened in real time and I need to tell my people

My son came downstairs and said: I can’t believe that Michael Bay directed Transformers and a Nightmare on Elm Street!

Me: Have you heard about his uncle?

Son: Who’s his uncle?

Me: Old Bay

Son: πŸ€¦πŸΌβ€β™‚οΈ

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/if_only_only_if
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Shout out to the people asking what the opposite of in is.

>

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Veggiematic
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Pun???
πŸ‘︎ 201
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon

Me Why?

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rhienor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
A bossy man goes into a bar.

He orders everyone a round.

πŸ‘︎ 524
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGreatCornhol10
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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The last 4 letters of β€œqueue” aren’t silent

They’re waiting for their turn

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_m_bm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
People say i look better without glasses

But i just can't see it.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report

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