9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?

De-calf-inated!

Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cālf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oliumzen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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Proud Dad Moment

Last month, a guy in Cincinnati stole a salt truck and led police on a 30 minute chase. (true story) At one point he tried to dump the load of salt on a police car. I told my teenage daughter this and she looked at me with a straight face and said β€œI guess they’re going to arrest him for assaulting an officer.” 😁

Never been prouder of my daughter. 😎

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisgoggs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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Proud dad moment happened today!

My son and I were driving home from his baseball practice when we see a car with a vinyl wrap. All digital camo. I point it out and said β€œthat’s a nice car huh?” And he replies β€œwhat car? All I see are wheels.” It took me a second to realize what he said. So I looked over to him he had the biggest smirk on his face. I almost teared up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BakedDoeBoy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.

Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)

Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.

Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?

Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??

Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!

I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.

Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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I got into an argument with a statue the other day...

and I have to admit it had some rock solid points.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoridinReborn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
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Why can't Santa have any kids?

Because he has popcorn balls.

-I make a point to tell my wife this one every year around Christmas. Eye roll means she liked it, right?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blizzard_a_foz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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y=mx+b jokes are fine, but..

At some point, we'll have to draw the line

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TabCompletion
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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I recently moved and my dad is visiting for the first time.

We were driving around town and I was pointing out to him all the happening spots when he casually said, "looks pretty dead in here."

I look over to see him gesturing towards the local graveyard...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/btcrav2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".

" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magnusfeli
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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Great joke, albeit a bit long winded.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phrresehelp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.

What's the point?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adfunk101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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My 8 year old finished eating dinner

8yo: "There, I ate!"

Me [points at 9yo]: "Good job! She nine."

8yo: πŸ€”?

9yo: "Ugh. Because I'm nine and you're eight. You ate. I nine?"

8yo: "Daaaad!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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Once upon a time a broken sword told me it was the best weapon in the world...

And he had a point.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asagao90
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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What is the worst part about losing your index finger?

There is no point to your hand anymore

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCager100
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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My Dad and the Home Depot Bucket.

When I was 15 there was a Home Depot bucket next to the front door for a while. One night I was watching tv with my mom. She was laying on the couch and I was laying on the floor.

My dad got home from work and as he was taking off his boots he asked β€œHey, where did that Home Depot bucket come from?” And without skipping a beat I said β€œI don’t know. Home Depot?” My mom laughed so hard and my dad was pissed. I got grounded for a week for β€œbeing a smart ass”.

I’m now 26 and to this day when my dad and I go to Home Depot I always chuckle and point to the buckets and ask β€œHey dad, where do you think those come from.”

On one of these trips I picked one up and was examining it when my dad asked me what I was looking for. I turned the bucket upside down and said β€œWell would you look at that dad. They’re from Lowe’s.” I thought he was gonna knock my ass out right there.

TLDR: My dad: β€œWhere did that Home Depot bucket come from?” Me: β€œI don’t know. Home Depot?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Malfoy1743
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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Beer time

I did some yardwork yesterday and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berryville_con
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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I walked into my boss' office to tell him I'd like to be considered for a promotion.

I sat in the chair and said, "Boss, I want a higher position."

"Well, if you push that lever," he said, pointing by my legs, "the chair will go up."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
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Triangles...?

What’s the point?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spencers_sensor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
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What’s the difference between taxes and Texas

At no point have my taxes ever been frozen.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pumpkinskydie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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How is a bad joke like a broken pencil?

It has no point

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spicoli0525
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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Asked my 2 and a half year old what he wanted his name to be.

He pointed to the coffee table where we have a bag of candy and said "M&M!!!"

Guess I have to call him Slim Shady from now on...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatguy3495
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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what's the opposite of disappoint?

data point

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/c_h_a_r_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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MATH JOKES

I’ll leave out the negative jokes here.

Only the positive ones!

You can tri to stop me,

Adding these together just makes it so much better.

We may be divided because of this,

But not all jokes are made equal,

But y=Mx+b jokes are great, yet at some point we have to draw a line. It’s an especially slippery slope to go down.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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As an American, it's disappointing that so few people wear vests

Especially since our founding fathers made it a point to guarantee us the right to bare arms

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.

I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.

She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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For the past five years, I’ve said that i’m going to start jogging, but I never have

It’s starting to become a running joke at this point

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/owarner40
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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More women should officiate sports.

They are so good at pointing out everything men do wrong already.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectOcoee
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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My wife showed me how she’d stab me if I ever cheated on her.

The knife didn’t go all the way in, but I got the point.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barrysmitherman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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Scientists have developed a microscopic needle that is too small to be seen by the naked eye...

I just don't see the point.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrannyLow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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My wife blindsided me this morning with this....

So I've been wanting to sell my motorcycle for a while but haven't gotten around to it.

While in the car this morning I saw a sign for a local shop that read "We buy used motorcycles." I pointed it out to her and she replies with, "if that's not a sign, I don't know what is."

I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobkirby12
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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I asked the trainer at the gym, which machine I should use to impress the ladies?

He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine. "

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"

She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes please."

"Where are you?"

"Over here...on the swing."

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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A pirate dad joke

A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg, asking β€œHow’d you get that?”

β€œAye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.”

The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked β€œHow’d you get that?”

β€œAye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.”

The sailor then pointed to the pirate’s eyepatch, again asking β€œHow’d you get that?”

β€œAye, a bird flew by and shat in me eye.”

The sailor responded with β€œThat’s not as impressive as the first two”.

β€œAye, it was me first day with me hook.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DelaneyElias
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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Need Hella Puns

https://preview.redd.it/wa3s3ozxftc61.png?width=4500&format=png&auto=webp&s=04f10d36e95914e4d39ec2312ce5176a062911b1

Who thinks they're punny?! πŸ˜œβ €β €I sketched this Hellraiser holding a cactus and thought it'd make a cute Valentine's Day card. I'm in the process of colouring it and I want YOU to help me caption it.β €

I've asked the question on IG (@ashrobertsondesign) but didn't get a lot of feedback so I'm reaching out here. Gimme your best prick, point, hell, etc. related puns n make it about love πŸ”₯

I'll choose a favourite from the comments and turn it into a FREE Valentine's Day card printable.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashtrobertson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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Dad jokes that you overuse in public that infuriate your partner?

So my partner probably wants to stab me more than i think. Almost every time she ask is me to β€œput the kettle on” I respond β€œI can’t, it won’t fit” or if we’re shopping and I’m asked β€œdo you need a bag” I point at her and say β€œit’s fine I brought my own” there are others, but they currently evade my 2am brain.

I feel I need some new ones to keep her on her toes and what better place than this sanctum of one liners (except for this post, for which I apologise).

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/batchyyyyy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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Dad joked by an 81-year-old woman

I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said β€œI think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”

I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, β€œbut it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”

πŸ‘︎ 457
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_Hooligan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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What’s the most effective way to write a murder mystery?

Bullet points

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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Did you hear about the artist who gave up on his uncompleted drawing after accidentally breaking his pencil?

Apparently, there was no point to continue drawing the picture

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AesSedai99
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report

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