That prayer in Congress got me thinking

It shouldnโ€™t be menstrual, it should be womenstrual

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/earthrogue
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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The Punnerโ€™s Prayer

Dear Lord as week seek to produce puns worthy of your praise, lettuce relish this opportunity. We ask that you would cause humor to sprout in the hearts of those who think us nuts. Continue to cultivate in us passion, fruit which beets back sadness and joy which leeks into others. Though some may say we are corny we know you will give us sage wisdom. Give us the confidence to know we are kaleโ€™in it as we bring choy to the world and live apply ever after.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cool-breeze7
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeast๐Ÿ™๐Ÿปโค๏ธ

Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!๐Ÿ˜

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/iLoveRaviolis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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The Dad , the Daughter and her prayers.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says โ€œGod bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.โ€ The father says, โ€œGood bye Grandad? Why is that?โ€ The daughter says, โ€œJust because I felt like it.โ€ The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father canโ€™t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughterโ€™s prayers again. She says, โ€œGod bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.โ€ The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, โ€œJust because I felt like it.โ€ The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesnโ€™t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, โ€œGod bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.โ€ The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesnโ€™t go home and stays there until midnight. Heโ€™s very surprised. โ€˜Iโ€™ve cheated death!โ€™ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, โ€œWhere have you been?!โ€ and the husband says, โ€œOh donโ€™t ask me any questions, todayโ€™s been miserable.โ€ The wife replies, โ€œYour days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porchโ€ฆโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HereIsAFookinName
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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A company started selling land mines disguised as prayer mats...

The prophets were through the roof!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PianoSchmo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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Why is North Korea so evil?

Because they have no Seoul.

Edit: Thanks for the support and for my first award everyone! I canโ€™t take credit for the joke itself as a friend who passed a number of years made it up in high school, but Iโ€™m sure heโ€™d be ecstatic to see the number of updoots and laughter itโ€™s brought.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/fourchubio
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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God finally answered my prayer for winning the $10 million lottery.

The answer was no.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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What happened to the guy that sold land mines shaped like prayer maps?

The prophets were through the roof

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Depressed_Citrus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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The only people to show up to my friendโ€™s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.

Thots and prayers

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/letsgorbg
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Since vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests donโ€™t just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why there are so many vampires from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JuIius_Seizure95
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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The pastor wanted to pause for a moment of prayer this morning.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/naturallyjoy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
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My aunt makes female deer meat tender by putting it on the floor and saying her prayers.

It's gives her peace of mind to kneed the doe.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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I'm in this new business of producing prayer mats with built in ejector seats...

So far the prophets are soaring.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Purtassium
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2019
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I recently came across a business opportunity to produce bombs disguised as prayer mats.

The salesman assured me the prophets would go through the roof!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mrmatt04
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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Salesman

I used to have a job selling exploding prayer mats.

Prophets were through the roof.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/syhendrickson
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Whenever my Muslim roommate goes for prayer, I sit down next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

So that both of us are in A la mode.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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And now the pasta will lead us in a hymn...
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Razabeth
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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What do people in the Middle East say after their prayers?

Yemen

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Suk_A_Nutt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Answered Prayers

Me and some buddies rented a cabin last week. The plants by the porch attracted a lot of monarch butterflies. As we were watching them a Praying Mantis grabs a hold of one. As we watched the butterfly thrash around in odd quiet reverence I said, "Well, I guess it's an Answered Prayer Mantis now"

One guy told me I was going to be a great Dad.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FartsWiddaWindowsUp
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
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At the end of prayers, why do people say 'amen' instead of 'our women'?

Because they sing hymns, not hers.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Frontier_Justice
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 10 2015
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A friend of mine makes prayer mats with hidden explosives

I asked how his business is doing, he said: "Great! Prophets are through the roof!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/metnem
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 30 2018
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Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...

"I'm on antidepressants."

He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thebikerdad
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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Which member of the Foot family did dad ask to say the dinner prayer?

Topher Grace.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/derivedintegral
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 06 2017
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Every time we have a family dinner my grandfather says a prayer.

The salad looks delicious. I can't wait, lettuce eat.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CheekyScrublord123
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 21 2016
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I opened a small business selling landmines that looked like prayer mats.

Prophets went through the roof.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Zamibe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 23 2015
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The Prayer Mat Salesman

My dad tells me this prayer mat salesman started putting bombs in the mats.

"His prophets are going through the roof "

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Para11axis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 20 2015
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My wife put food in front of our 1.5 yr old

She said "say your prayer"

He said "Prayer" then just smirked at her

So proud right now.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/b1kerguy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
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This is a little long so get ready

So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever."

The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it.

A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma."

Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever."

A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!"

Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-"

The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!"

~this is my first post so โ•ฎ(โ”€โ–ฝโ”€)โ•ญ ~

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theresnogoodname
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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I live in a converted church.

I'm living on a prayer

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zerotailb
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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What's the best ecosystem to build a church in?

A prayer-ie.

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the strangerโ€™s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasnโ€™t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didnโ€™t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Doty152
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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Dad is an older muslim gentleman, I remember this from when he was in the hospital a few years ago.

Nurse: "Your doctor should return in just a few moments with your test results."

looks at dad

"Oh, we also have a new room for religious practices if you wanted to do some prayers?"

Dad: "God, were my test results that bad?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sumito
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 28 2014
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[Request] Tubas and Classic Rock

Every year for the past few years, Iโ€™ve written music for a tuba ensemble for a summer band camp. Last yearโ€™s music was titled โ€œTubaChristmas in July,โ€ which had โ€œHallelujahโ€ by Pentatonix, โ€œCarol of the Bells,โ€ โ€œYouโ€™re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch,โ€ and โ€œHave Yourself a Merry TubaChristmas.โ€ This year Iโ€™m about 90% sure weโ€™re doing rock/classic rock. So far I have โ€œBohemian Rhapsodyโ€ by Queen, โ€œPaint It, Blackโ€ by The Rolling Stones, โ€œLivinโ€™ on a Prayerโ€ by Bon Jovi, โ€œDonโ€™t Stop Believinโ€™โ€ by Journey, and some fifth song I havenโ€™t chosen yet (BTW Iโ€™m open to song ideas).

I need a pun that mixes Tuba with Rock or with Classic Rock. Similar to how TubaChristmas in July doesnโ€™t include song names, but you know itโ€™s Christmas music on tubas.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/The_Leo_1110
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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If you build your house on a bible...

Wouldnโ€™t you be living on a prayer?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shamieee
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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The thief that stole my diary and my book on world religions died today.

My thoughts and prayers are now with his family.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 16 2018
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: โ€œWow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.โ€

The man then replies: โ€œYeah, well we were married 35 years

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/grace832
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 17 2017
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I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Shi-Rokku
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 03 2020
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Did you hear about the business selling land mines disguised as prayer mats?

The prophets are through the roof!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/donegal-Hospital
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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I just started a company selling landmines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BossRediter87
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
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I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tchavez34135
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. We must send olive our prayers to the family. Here today, gone tomato.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Fangirl-of-all
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 31 2019
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Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? Pun-laden remembrances after the death of the Italian chef.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

  • He pasta way.
  • We cannoli do so much.
  • His legacy will become a pizza history.
  • Just proves the old adage, โ€œHere today, gone tomato.โ€
  • How sad that he ran out of thyme.
  • Olive my prayers go to the family.
  • His wife is very upset; cheese still not over it.
  • You never sausage a tragic thing!

https://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/did-you-hear-about-the-italian-chef-who-died/

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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