What did the Muslim duck say when praising God?

"allahu quakbar"

(tried to make it as least racist as possible. Sorry if that failed.)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/live4lifelegit
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 14 2015
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I calmed down our toddlers and wanted praise from my wife.

She said Iโ€™m not giving you a consolation prize.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TennisADHD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 21 2020
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I have lots of jokes about communism

But unfortunately I have to share them all with you.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Funny_Name9
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Why are pelicans praised in restaurants

Because they always leave with a large bill

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DallasDomino0806
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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Nun: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Billy: A fireman!

Suzie: An accountant!

Jackie: A prostitute!

Nun: WHAT?

Jackie: A prostitute.

Nun: Praise the Lord! I thought you said protestant.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/InterwebWeasel
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 26 2020
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Communist bird
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sunnyyixuanchen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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Someone on weed said I look good.

It was high praise.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/13toycar
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hayeshilton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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Some scientists were able to recreate human vocal cords in a petri dish...

The results pretty much speak for themselves...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 68
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Squidboy2002
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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What did the bullfighter say to the upset door?

Whatโ€™s the matador?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SovietLorax
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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I caught a young woman throwing stones at my greenhouse. But I did not tell her off. Instead, I praised her.

She broke the glass ceiling.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheAnagramancer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
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Quintuple pun

I'm thinking about giving up my life and movimg to India to be a standup comedian, but I'm nervous, it would be my first Punjobi. I Khan't get very far without knowing much about Sikhing this kind of work, so if you could be my reference and Singh my praises, that would be great, I'm just sick of working in a Deli.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/megajamie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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Went mirror shopping today...

liked everything I saw.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rbrink13
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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My love for this sign was Autumn-matic imgur.com/wcvEekU
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BirdNerdthe3rd
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
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I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was 'outstanding'.

Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 49
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/johnnydarko-
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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Just went on a family vacation to the Grand Canyon and my pops got dadjoked by another dad while we were there.

We were taking pictures of the amazing views from the south rim of the canyon and my family wanted a picture with everyone in it. We all line up and my dad taps an older gentleman on the shoulder to take our picture:

My dad: "Hey, can you take our picture?"

Random dad: With a disgusted face he says, "No, I don't want a picture of you people." And walks off.

He took about 5 steps before turning around, laughing to himself, and snapped a great pic of my family. My dad later remarked, "that was a good one."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/konvictkarl
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
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I happened to see one of my pals dressed as a priest

Apparently its his altar ego

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/iTubbs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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I just pulled my first dadjoke on my girlfriend

I was helping her do some initial pencil line work for a painting that she is working on, and she said to me "I don't know where my kneaded eraser went." To which I responded, "Well, I guess it was needed elsewhere."

She looked me dead in the eyes and just said, "You disgust me."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/devbang
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 18 2015
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My dad asked me what are you looking at, and I said Reddit obviously. And he said,โ€Why are you looking at it if you already read it?โ€
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CaseTheDeveloper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 12 2017
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Grades (dual joke)

Billy: "Dad!"

Dad: "Yes Billy, what's wrong?"

Billy: "How do I get good grades?"

Dad: "Well, Billy. To get good grades you have to B paying attention A lot and after Some time you will C that D time and F-ort you spent on homework actually payed off. and then you just have to do that until your E-gr parents can praise you for your hard work.

2 hours later.

Phone: Rings

Dad: "Hello!"

Billy: "So dad, how much money should I give to her?"

Dad: "To who!?"

Billy: "To a girl in my class. You said that to get good grades then all I had to do was to give her money. Attention says it will be fine with 20$, but I don't know."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Pdonkey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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On a family holiday to Bruges, we decided to walk to the nearby town of Damme. En route, my Dad said to my sister "your hair looks sort of OK today"

He then explained "to Damme with faint praise"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VWXYNot42
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
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I stayed up all night thinking about the sun

And then it dawned on me.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/laceandhoney
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 06 2014
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Dadjoked my girlfriend at dinner.

So we were eating dinner tonight, which is a rare treat because our work hours don't leave much overlapping free time. I had a dark glass with white wine with dinner. She asked what I was drinking, and I decided to recall a friend's joke.

Gf: boss_ginger, what are you drinking? Me: Oh, just water. Do you want it? I can pour another glass. Gf: Please, thank you. takes sip ... Gf: This is wine... Me: Raises hands into the air, leans back in chair Praise the LORD and his miracles!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/boss_ginger
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
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John started working in a color pigment company...

John started working in a color pigment company which specialises in mixing and editing different color pigments according to their customers's demands. Once the color pigments were done, they would be mailed out to the customers with a detailed note commenting on the properties of the produced color pigments. John was placed in the 'Pink Pigment' department which was incidentally between the 'Red Pigment' and 'White Pigment' departments. He was really good at his job and was constantly praised for the great work he produced.

However after a month or so, John found that a number of his work was being duplicated and mailed to almost all of his customers. Worse of all, instead of a proper note commenting on the color pigment properties, these duplicated products were accompanied with rather bad puns and jokes. One repeating joke which irritated him the most was: 'What do you call a country with only pink cars? A pink car-nation.'

Upset, he went to his manager to complain about the problem. After listening to John, his manager said, "Oh boy, looks like I need to talk to the manager of the 'Red Pigment' department again. This is not the first time that it has happened. Those Red-editors in that department love to copy and repost other people's original work as their own."
John then asked, "How are you so sure that it was them who are responsible?"
His manager replied, "Well, you can be certain that it is them as they always love jokes or puns especially in the comment section."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AesSedai99
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 22 2018
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Italian Dad

I visited my girlfriend in Italy, her dad didn't speak much english and I didn't speak much Italian. He's a really big Italian guy, and everytime we ate, my girlfriend would always have a really healthy meal. He would always get up from the table and say "my daughter is TOP model, top model" while spinning around and doing the most girly little dance.

Also everytime money was brought into conversation (he's considerably frugal) he would start kneeling hypothetically and praising the jew god, claiming he was of jewish descent.

Lol.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KarmaBender
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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The police recently arrested the notorious bread shop robber

When asked why he did it, he said, "They have a lot of dough".

Police officers responded to praise for their arrest, "We always want to rise to the occasion. It's the yeast we can do".

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Drekkan85
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 01 2017
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A man goes to buy a horse (long)

So he finds the man who owns the horse. The owner takes him to the stable. The buyer asks to take the horse for a test ride.

 

"Okay," says the owner. "But I'm a retired church pastor. The horse will only go forward if you say, 'Praise the lord.' He will only stop moving if you say 'Hallelujah.' "

 

Feeling annoyed, the buyer says "That's fine," and he gets up on the horse. After the seller returns to the house, the buyer, mounted on the horse, whips the reins and says, "Hiyah!!" The horse doesn't move. "Yah," he said, spurring the horse. Still no movement. Feeling a little embarrassed and stupid, he complied to the owner's instruction. "Praise the Lord," he mumbled, and the horse began quickly trotting away from the stable.

 

Wow, the buyer thought, excited. I wonder how fast this horse can go. "Praise the Lord," he said, this time at normal volume. The horse sped up considerably.

 

Amazing! I must have this horse! the buyer thought. "Praise the Lord!" he shouted. "Praise the Lord!" And the horse kept speeding up. The stable behind them was no longer visible.

But the horse and the buyer were speedily approaching a huge canyon. Seeing this ahead, the buyer commanded, "St- stop! Whoaaa, horse!" But the horse kept the charge forward. "Hallelujah!" the buyer shouted. And the horse stopped at the edge of the vast canyon, with only inches of ground to spare.

Looking up to the sky, the buyer sighed in relief. "Praise the Lord."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/littlekuribandit
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 27 2017
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Tried to dadjoke my kid today at Aldi

Kid is 3.5 and starting to read. We pulled into the Aldi parking lot this afternoon and he read the words "food market" on the front of the building. Market is kind of a new word for him, so I praised him for sounding it out.

Then I said "Yep! Aldi food market. Because we buy all-di food there."

No response. He just looked at me.

I'm not sure if it's because he didn't appreciate the wordplay or if my dadjoke game is just that weak (but I'm a mom, so I do have a bit of a natural disadvantage, right?).

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jemstar
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 01 2016
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Visited my dad and he made me a breakfast sandwich and I joked him for a change.

He made us all egg sandwiches, over easy - runny and delicious. I got some on my hand and as I went to lick it off said, "Yolks on me."

Dad went, "Heh. That's my girl."

Ain't no higher praise.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jaberkaty
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 23 2014
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I earned a verbal grunt from my professor for this one.

My professor and I were emailing about the final project I had recently submitted when I decided to take the time to thank her for being so helpful. Professors that make classes easier to understand and add a little humor to their lectures deserve all the praise in the world, and mine was no exception to that. This was also my first class that wasn't a general education course, starting me on an MIS degree.

I emailed her saying something along the lines of,

"Thanks for being so helpful throughout the semester, this was my first MIS class and you really gave me the confidence I needed in knowing I was doing it right."

I followed with "Thanks for making this class so interesting, I will be transferring to (insert new college here) to continue earning my MIS degree. I think it's safe to say you influenced my decision to a certain degree. Hah! Certain degree, get it?"

She called me over after next lecture to tell me how bad my pun was while groaning and chuckling. No regrets.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 32
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 01 2014
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My brother and I had to help my dad install a new door.

My brother is not the most handy person so my dad told him to apply the adhesive putty to the concrete, an easy task.

Dad: You're doing a great job with that. Me: Woah. Calm down with the praise. You don't want him to get caulky.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Iamthelolrus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 29 2013
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Great and Powerful Daddish One

So a long while back, my brother picked out a Father's Day card for my dad that sang various silly praises to the person receiving it. One of those was a deep voice going, "All HAIL the great and powerful DADDISH ONE!" Naturally, our dad loved it.

In fact, he loved it so much that any time there's a disagreement between any of us and he turns out to be the one who's right, there will be a reminder that he is the Great and Powerful Daddish One. Over eight years down the road. Every single time. My mom and I still think it's hilarious.

It drives my brother up the wall.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Gargus-SCP
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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Froggy the Waiter

This isn't a joke that came from a dad or anything but I hope it's worthy!

My father started waiting in 1979 and took one of his first jobs at this extremely fancy and expensive restaurant. The type of place that the waiters wore tuxedos and whatnot. Anyways my dad worked with this guy named Froggy (nickname of course) whom my dad still praises to this day that he's one of the best waiters he's ever worked with.

Anyways, one night it's extremely busy and both my father and Froggy were rushing around trying to keep up. Well Froggy had this table with about 5-7 people all who looked like they wore expensive clothing, ordered the best food and so on. Well one of the guys ordered a baked potato as a side and Froggy proceeds with typical waiter stuff as asks if he wanted sour cream with his baked potato. The man says yes so Froggy scoops the cream and attempts to place it on the potato. Well... as he was moving to place it on, the cream slipped off and right onto this guys extremely expensive sweater... Completely in shock, the customer turns to Froggy and without missing a beat, Froggy slowly turns his head in a comical fashion towards the ceiling and proclaims "Those damn pigeons!"

Needless to say every single person in that table were crying with laughter, including my father one table over who observed the whole ordeal. Froggy said he'd pay for the dry cleaning and the customer said not to worry about it because it was the most hilarious thing he's seen in ages.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KickedInTheHead
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 22 2013
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