I have a plan for a new side-hustle. I’m gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded β€˜Lola’ and β€˜You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...

I just have to work out a few Kinks.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?

They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HandCrimped
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Thanos’s people ignore his plan?

Because he was known for his snap judgments

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lord-of-fail
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
🚨︎ report
It’s my birthday today and no party is planned due to pandemic. And my daughter said this to cheer me up.

β€œYou will have your cake and eat it too.”

PS: this is the best gift I can get today.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shishir-nsane
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Help! Accidentally uninstalled Windows!
πŸ‘︎ 757
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grantthejester
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What rock group has only four members and none of them sing?

Mount Rushmore

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s been a busy day, so I was planning on making some herbal tea..

But I just can’t seem to find the thyme!

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElKaboutertje1991
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the latest thing Donald Trump is trying to do? He’s planning to ban shredded cheese.

He just wants to make America grate again.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Impulse-impulse
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm stocking up on ice cream, canned fruit, sprinkles and raspberry sauce...

I'm planning to self isolate....for a month of sundaes. .

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
The clerk at the hardware store asked me how long I wanted my lumber

I told him I was planning on keeping it

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dood87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Been talking to this smokin hot chick.

Super hot. We made plans to lift at the gym. She didn't show. That's when I knew we wouldn't work out.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NorthernLight_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I never tried using a gun ever before...

I'm planning to give it a shot, though.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperFeather0
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
2 blondes talking....

1st blonde: "I'm going to be the first woman to land on the Sun."

2nd blonde: "Don't be stupid, you'll burn."

1st blonde: "Nah!! I've got a plan. I'm going at night."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
A girl on Tinder told me she wanted to be friends with benefits.

But I don't have health insurance or a retirement plan so I told her I couldn't.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My son wanted to become a plumber

However his plans were nothing more than a pipe dream.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Will7838
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
When the moon hits your eye, Like a big pizza pie, That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.

When our habits are strange, And our customs deranged, That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!

In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.

A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?

πŸ‘︎ 684
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComeAbout
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Need Theme Park related puns

Myself and a friend are making a mini action film on GTA V. When I edit it, I’m planning on involving some voiceover but I need a pun for the final kill on the rollercoaster. Any suggestions ?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StickyWeeee9068
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Help!! Creative Minds Needed!!

My Dad has recently shown a fascination with space and NASA. Long story short, Christmas is coming up and my plan is to surprise him with an all expense paid trip to Florida for 4 days with passes to the Kennedy Space Center. I’d schedule it around a launch so he would be able to see it in person. As well as checking out the area a bit since we’re there.

Which is where I need your help! I want to coordinate hints with presents that slightly hint at the trip. For example, I picked out a NASA tshirt, a space shuttle plush toy, assorted astronaut ice cream, socks that have planets and a rocket on them, mug that says β€œcoolest dad in the galaxy,” a map/atlas of florida, and luggage tags. And the final gift I’m thinking will be a letter that puts all the clues together and would include the plane tickets, car rental agreement, hotel confirmation, and the admission tickets in an envelope.

Can anyone give me ideas on what hints to use??

  • I’m still adding/taking away present ideas so if anyone has any better ideas please let me know!!

Thank you so much!! Any type of help is appreciated!! I don’t really have that β€œcreative” part of the mind... whether it be a rhyme or dad joke-y type hint, it doesn’t matter!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My son just found my hit list with all the "Bill"s I know. He asked what I was planning on doing.

I told him, "Oh, just Robin Williams."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/koravel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2018
🚨︎ report
My cat kept trying to climb my Christmas tree so I put aluminum around the base of the tree.

Her plans have been foiled.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
[need for help] Pun experts, share the best pun you know about academia/professors/education/writing for grants. Any help deeply appreciated!

EDIT: We plan to place it on the mug as a gift, so it should be relatively short

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sedulas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
"Okay, I did learn one interesting thing," Gabe admitted.

He was finally doing the reading for his history class. "Did you know that Bin Laden was planning to blow up monuments in other American cities?"

"I bet St. Louis was next on his list," I nodded.

"How'd you know that, Dad?" he asked in surprise.

"Well, he was our arch-enemy."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cja1968
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?

It had grater plans.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frijolita_bonita
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party

They planet (plan it)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diejshehakdbakalq
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a new shirt today that has the word LIFE printed across the chest

Tomorrow, I’m going to wear it and stand on the corner at an intersection where panhandlers usually are. My plan is to hand out lemons to stopped drivers. When life gives you lemons ...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/forko23
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Professor dint have this planned

Me: I am planning to start a cider business She: any alternative plans if it doesn't work out? Me: I haven't decidered yet!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because they’ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his β€œpromposal” special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that she’s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, he’s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesn’t return his feelings? What if she thinks he’s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and he’s even more anxious. It’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks it’s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying she’s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if she’d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like he’s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesn’t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10, but also imaginary

πŸ‘︎ 932
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoyTheShip
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
First day as a superhero

Villain: why is my calendar wrapped in aluminum?

Me: I foiled your plans.

[I am immediately killed]

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neospygil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a discovery in my attic that my evil house is plotting against me...

I discovered the floor plans!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone want to help me make a TV show about Abraham Lincoln?

The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.

πŸ‘︎ 613
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
🚨︎ report
There are plans to turn Kodak into a pharmaceutical company

But the plans are underdeveloped

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?

You could say it was a well thawed out plan.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/livelylou4
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Nascar pit crews have one very solid benefit

A good retirement plan.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend from high school became an engineer or something.

He would design vehicles and stuff like no other.

One day he called me and said he had a very special design planned for his next vehicle.

So I asked him: "What's the big design you're working on?"

He said: "Its a secret. You'll find out later."

A few months later, he sends me a picture of this amazing motorbike that's entirely made of wood and nothing else. I called him back and told him I really liked it and if I could ride it.

He replied in a deep and depressing voice: "You can't I'm sorry. I threw it away."

I asked him why he threw away such a masterpiece he worked so hard to make.

He replied: "I tried everything..... But it just wooden start!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to rob a bank but the vault was covered in a thin layer of aluminum

Needless to say, my plans were foiled

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElizaWolf8
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, β€œHoney, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, β€œTomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. β€œWell, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

β€œNo, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

β€œWell, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. β€œHer name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”

β€œBatteries?” cried the wife.

β€œYes,” he replied. β€œShe sells C cells by the Seashore.”

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Long story about a tragedy that once happened to me.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mickerallen100
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.

I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fruitutu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Another why the chicken crossed the road

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Friend: Why?

Me: To visit the town idiot.

A few minutes later...

Me: Knock, Knock.

Friend: Who’s there?

Me: The Chicken

You moan now but I suspect you are already planning to use this one.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mgmcotton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What are your plans for today?

Friend: What are your plans for today?

Me: I am going with my brother to the optician to get new glasses

Friend: then what?

Me: And then we'll see

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VoKai
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I always wanted to design and build my own dream home..

But I've no concrete plans yet.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought some heavy wool socks the other day.

I was planning on returning them, but then I got cold feet.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PMmeyoursafeword
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My New Year's resolution is to save enough money to buy a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report

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