I guess I overlooked it.
Me: did you bring a keedoo??
Son: what's a keedoo?
Me: opens doors.
They usually see these coming a mile away, quite an accomplishment to get both of em with an original (I'm sure this has been made up before, but I haven't heard it, oc created dad joke)
He got the priest and the priest didn’t think that was normal so he got a magistrate. The magistrate heard the music and said “That’s Beethovens 9th symphony except backwards.” Then he heard the 8th symphony backwards, then the 7th, then the 6th, and then the 5th. “Oh now I understand.” Says the magistrate. “He’s just decomposing.”
They sleep at night.
What did Amber hear!?
It's who I yam.
He scared the crêpe out of me!
Where to vegan…
It was pointless.
The conversation was pretty one-sided.
Not Happy.
I've only been there a couple of days, but they've already made me the spokes person!
Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water
I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.
I've been training for this."
And I thought to myself, well that’s a little condescending.
sorry it’s a repost of myself. My original post got removed for hate speech and harassment
"because where there's a Will there's a weigh."
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡And then get jailed for 12 months just for a man's laughter.
The first person he met refused to comply, so he choked them until they were unconscious, then went through their pockets and came away with just fifty cents.
Same thing happened with the second person, he choked them and only got a quarter.
After choking the third one and only coming up with another quarter, he flew into a rage that attracted the police and got him arrested. Next day the headline in the newspaper:
Arti chokes three for a dollar.
and immediately crashes it, killing several people.
At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.
Before he faces his sentence, he’s offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him.
The next day, he’s led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.
There’s never been a failure before. But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free.
Within a week’s time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one.
He doesn’t care that he can’t drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. As before, he crashes it, and kills several people.
Again, he stands trial, and again, he is sentenced to death, showing no remorse, only delight that he got to operate the train.
His last meal request is a single banana. When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He goes free again.
The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashing it.
His trial is speedy, because this has already happened twice, and he is sentenced to death.
They ask him what he’d like for his last meal. “A single banana,” he says.
“Oh, no you don’t, you son of a bitch. We’re on to you, now. We know all about your little banana trick, and you’re not escaping this time!”
The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler.
The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.
“Did you give him the banana?” demands the head guard.
“No, sir! He asked for the banana but we didn’t give it to him, we swear!” says one of the guards.
Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything. He was just a really bad conductor.
Thats how i lost my job as a bus driver
I'm pretty sure they were talking about me.
Amazon Prime day is on the 21st. I personally would not partake of Prime day unless it were on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, or 31st
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Edit: Credit to r/Teenagers for this
It’s for Hispanic attacks.
I just wanted to give myself props/receive props because the other day at work (parks & rec) this guy brought an alligator to show the kids. He walked over to me, I pet it & as he turned around, I said “See ya later Alligator” didn’t realize I was waiting my whole life for that moment. Then the guy said he has birds at home & that he was worried his cat would go after them, but it’s the other way around. Then my coworker goes “SOUNDS LIKE A…- SCAREDY CAT” & then this one person had their dog at the event who ate a caterpillar on the ground and event was interrupted by them & the owner got it out of their dogs mouth, the owner said “Sorry, he got a caterpillar” THEN the guy doing the event said “SOUNDS MORE LIKE A CANT-ERPILLAR TO ME”
Ahhh… was a good day.
They have enough on their plates
Imo, what makes a good dad joke is saying it so frequently that everyone almost expects it when the situation comes up, so I thought it would be fun to share some of our favourite go-to, day to day situational dad jokes. I'll start (most of these work better out loud):
Mine: Someone else: we'll be there around 8.30, 9. Me: that's very specific, not 8.38 or 8.40??
My dad's: Whenever we drive past a look out point he'll yell in a panicked kind of way "Lookout!!"
My husband's: Pretending not to see people dressed in camo, eg if someone dressed in camo is walking a dog "is that dog walking itself??" Bonus points if the other person doesn't realise what you're on about.
My sister's: Saying "hi, Drangea" whenever we walk past a hydrangea bush.
So there was a man who considered himself the greatest fighter in the world. Every time he got in a fight growing up, he'd win, and it would never even be close. Eventually he ran out of people in town to fight, and he decided that he'd travel the world, looking for all the best fighters, and beat them in combat.
He travels to Japan, China, India, Russia, France, Ireland, going all about the world, fighting everyone who thinks they're the best fighters in the world- and beats them easily. There's no real sense of competition, he just defeats every challenger in humiliating fashion.
But travelling the world looking for the best fighters takes a lot of time, and there's always another person thinking that they're the best fighter in the world, so he issues a challenge to anyone in the world who thinks that they're the best fighter to come to his house and fight.
The day arrives, and HUNDREDS of people have shown up. All of the best practitioners of all the world's martial arts have shown up. There's a group of judoka from Japan, Israeli Krav Maga artists stretching out on one side of the room, the Muay Thai artists are doing light striking to warm up- everyone seems represented here. The guy who started all this says "OK, there are a lot of you here, and the only way we'll be able to finish this today is if we group you all up by discipline, you all form a line, and I'll beat each of you in turn."
So he starts with the wrestlers, who line up one at a time. One at a time they come at him, and none of them last longer than a minute before having their shoulders pinned to the ground. Not only do they all get beaten, but it seems like this guy is actually winning his fights faster as the day goes on! Some of the fighters from the other disciplines watch this display, and they start leaving.
The guy looks at his watch, and realizes that three hours have gone by in fighting the wrestlers. So he gestures to the Muay Thai artists and says "I'll now fight you, but I'll fight you four at a time!" The Muay Thai fighters figure they can knock this guy out quickly, then settle the honor of who the best fighter is amongst themselves, so they line up four by four, rush in, and in a flurry of elbows and knees, they all end up knocked out on the ground. Four by four the Muay Thai fighters rush in, only for this guy to remain standing after all of them. This is intimidating to the other fighters who are watching, and more people start heading home.
H
... keep reading on reddit ➡Atop a mountain was a water slide with a sign next to it that reads "This is a magic slide. Whatever you say on the way down the slide, will appear at the bottom"
Three people, after several days of climbing the mountain, come across this slide.
The first person jumps at the opportunity, darts straight for the slide and shouts "moneeeeeeyyyyyy" all the way down. Reaching the bottom, they land in a huge pool of money.
The second person, who loves a drink, starts to slide down and says "vodkaaaaaaaaaaa"
Sure enough, they land in a pool of vodka.
The third person, unable to read, just gets on the slide to follow his friends and starts to descend, put their hands in the air and shout "weeeeeeeeeeeeee"
(To cap it off, for teenagers) there's a fourth person who was solo climbing, they got to the top of the mountain and didn't notice the sign and tripped on it, falling down the slide screaming "shiiiiiiiiiiit"
I'm feeling a little over the weather.
Personally, I think it’s a weak day
Because he couldn't see that well.
