They are usually ahead of me in the express lane at the grocery store.
I mean, he only had one Job.
Because there's a tally ban.
To which I responded "Nope, still just the same two he started with!" to which 8 people collectively paused then groaned. I think I've peaked.
Thank god I’m part of the other 25%
- Always
- Coming
- From
- Take
- Me
- Down
They were raised differently.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡And liars.
My wife and I just had our first yesterday. My son was less than 10 minutes old when the doctor was doing some post delivery stitching for my wife.
My wife said: "how many stitches is it going to be?"
Doc: "we're not actually counting stitches with this, it's a running stitch"
Without missing a beat, I said "is it going after the fridge?"
There was very brief pause of activity in the room, and then soft chuckles and head shakes. Someone muttered "that's a good one". I feel like I've been inaugurated.
Edit: to everyone confused by this, I'll explain
Back when landlines were the main way of calling people, and cellphones and caller ID was rare (or non-existent), making crank calls was a.... common past-time.
One of the common ones was went like this:
Victim: "hello?"
Pranker: "hi, is your fridge running?"
Victim: "yes, why?"
Pranker: "well then you better go catch it!"
And then you hang up. So the joke here is that because it was a "running stitch" it was running to catch the fridge.
<ba-dum tsss>
1 Mrs. Hippie, 2 Mrs. Hippie, 3 Mrs. Hippie
Sadly it was useless. It was the 5th in the series.
Answer: Meat
I was going to have a poll but that type of post isn’t allowed here. I’ve been seeing a lot of jokes that others wouldn’t count as dad jokes. There seems to be a lot of stances on the matter.
I personally don’t mind them as long as they’re not offensive to a specific group of people and marked as NSFW, but I just wanted to see what everyone else thought. Just want everyone to be happy and feel welcome here 🙂
I was like, well damn.
1.) A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.
2.) I use mucho with my Spanish friends.... it means a lot to them.
3.) Q. Why does Michael J Fox make the finest milkshakes? A. He uses the finest ingredients
4.) Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
5.) People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
6.) Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
7.) I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
8.) Q. What’s brown and sticky? A. A stick
9.) Q. What’s slippery and a foot long A. A slipper
I’ve got more but I don’t want this post to be too long so I’ll leave it at that. If I get enough upvotes I’ll call up my stepdad for more. Let me know which are you’re favourites.
is killing a friend homiecide
In the years BC (before Christ) do you think people were wondering why the year number was counting down?
I used to be addicted to soap but ... I am clean now.
I am addicted to brake fluid but ... I can stop anytime.
If you are attacked by a group of clowns ... go for the juggler.
I just moved and IMMEDIATELY after we move in he starts banging on my door every night yelling at me ... coincidentally I just happen to be playing my drums those nights so I could easily tune him out.
I was just diagnosed with colorblindness ... It came right out of the purple.
I failed math so many times at school ... I can’t even count.
Once i threw a boomerang, it never came back, ... Now I live in CONSTANT fear
When life gives you melons ... you might be dyslexic.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline ... She hit the ceiling!
There are 3 types of people in this world, those who can count ... and those who can't
They say three out of five people suffer from diarrhea ... so ... does that mean two out of five enjoy it?
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Those who understand Base-2 and those who dont.
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡They especially enjoyed watching the clowns.
We won a backstage tour after the show, and happened to notice that all the people who were tallying up the tickets and sales were dressed as clowns, and happened to be little people...but none of them had been in the performances. When I asked the tour guide why they were dressed up even though they weren’t in the show, he replied, “Don’t you know? It’s the little jesters that count”.
People should not count on them being correct.
I'm going to have an abacus installed on the top of my head so I can be a guy people can really count on!
..."There are 99 people in that choir."
My son, who was with me, asked, "Wow dad! How did you count them so quickly?"
I replied, "They are singing >!"Africa" by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do.!<"
Counterintuitive
I guess you could say I have people counting on me.
Because so many people are counting on them.
Seems like common census
Knowing that so many people are counting on them.
It's the little things that count.
Those who can count and those who cant
They eight before seven.
1 Mrs. Hippie, 2 Mrs. Hippie, 3 Mrs. Hippie...
- People who can count
- People who can’t
1: The ones who can count
3: The ones who can’t
Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.
Those that can count, Those that can’t.
and my teacher starts counting wavelengths to help us learn a concept. "One lambda, two lambda, three lambda" suddenly I chime in "man, I thought I was the only one trying to fall asleep here". My teacher looked at me obviously ready to scold me but before he does I proudly explain myself "Get it? Like counting sheep!". Believe me, the groan my classmates gave me was one for the ages.
People who can count, and people who can’t.
My four year old daughter was sitting between my wife and I. While we held out our hands she touched each of our fingers saying 1, 2, 3... counting each one. I looked at my wife and said "We've got people that count on us".
...those that know binary, and those that don't.
There are three kinds of people in this world.
Those who can count, and those who can’t.
