"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"

"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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At the pearly gates, Saint Peter asks new arrivals what they did for a living...

The first person says β€œI was a doctor, I saved lives.” St. Peter lets him in.

The second person says β€œI was a teacher, I educated and inspired hundreds of children”. St Peter lets him in.

The third says β€œI was a musician, I brought joy and beautiful music to many people.”

St. Peter says β€œok, but you’ll have to go around back and come in through the kitchen.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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So 3 nuns die and go to Heaven and are at the pearly gates...

After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each."

The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?"

She says: "Adam and Eve!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?"

She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the last nun - the mother superior - and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?"

Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one..."

The saint lets her right into Heaven.

The End.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thora-suan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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The pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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[Wholesum] Euler Meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter: Your number's up Euler, and Isaac Newton says you have to count all the spheres in the universe before you can enter heaven. What say ye?

Euler: Sigma balls, Dick.


Sigma is used to notate summation.

Summation is the process of adding things together.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Target359
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
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Pear puns
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Victi_chan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
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If you leave a pear out too long does it turn into a parrot?

Just randomly thought of this, hope it's good and at least moderately original (ik there's a lot of pear puns in general)

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drood100
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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Wife holding up "Prickly Pear Margarita": looks like I'm not driving...

Me: Why?

Wife: I don't want to drive im-pear-ed!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedgamer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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Why do you call the guy that’s afraid a pear will annoy him at any time?

Pearannoyed.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oberynmviper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Where did the pear go when it was broke

To the re-pear shop.

Credit goes to my friend who is a dad, and thought this was original.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MOSTLYNICE
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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What do you call a vanishing pear?

Dis-a-pear

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πŸ‘€︎ u/silviulescu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Dis a pear
πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/79to55
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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This makes me β€œpear”y happy! See what I did there??
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Debeers19
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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Poor pear
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πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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I was told shoes come in pears

When I bought some they came in a box, guess I was lied to

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheesy-boi-65
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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John Bon Jovi has started an extremely strict fruit only diet...

He's living on a pear.

πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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What does a pear tree do before growing it's fruit?

It pre-pears

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lowlz13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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Skidaddle skidoodle your pear has now...
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hzardous_
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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I made a pun about pears:
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Stecky
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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Why is the boat influenced by pears?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ntn_98
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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Pre pear yourself for a bad pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lotterynote
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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FUCK pears
πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JIMBOSLIP1237
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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Once there was a man who owned an orchard. He grew lots of things. Apples, pears, cherries, peaches, oranges and lemons.

The stonefruit was almost ready for harvest when he was hit with a bout of laryngitis that left him unable to talk. Despite the doctors orders for bed rest, he went into the orchard early one morning to find all of his mature peach trees had been stolen. He was peachless."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KatWayward
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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Roasted Pear
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcsquiggles1126
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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β€œI’ve always been afraid of gardening, but then I decided to grow a pear”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Timpo777
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
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My New Years resolution is to finally get in shape.

Round... possibly pear... I haven’t decided yet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaymanRich
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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Dad: Is that a pear?

*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.

Child: Yea...

Dad: Then why's there only one?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RAconsensualPE
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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If your man doesn't appreciate jokes about fruit...

You need to let that mango...

😁

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JessieJade18
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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Whatever you say Mr. Pear
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mehaxe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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How many?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/throwitintheair22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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It’s now a roasted pear
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/t-bone999
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmaff90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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I'm in this pear
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperD0S
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape

It's the reason we cantaloupe

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingLevance
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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Angry pears. imgur.com/8apEx2D
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chamolibri
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
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Dad: Want to see a magic trick. Me: Sure dad... Dad: That pear is so ugly. Me: What, how is that a magic trick?

Dad: You know, dis-a-pear! Magic!

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.

I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 436
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
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Ordered pears imgur.com/4mvNAlx
πŸ‘︎ 537
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepanazz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2017
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I only buy one pear at a time

They should be sold in pairs

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sleeptrouble
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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Sorry,I don’t speak Mandarin.
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Autism--_--
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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A real conversation between my brother and his wife + me

Brother: Babe, we need to eat all the pears, they’re going to go bad soon.

SIL: but I don’t like pears, you can eat the rest of them...

Brother: I don’t think I can eat the rest of them by myself though...

Me, from another part of the room: well you better pre-pear yourself!

*ugly laughs from the couch

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/easolo23
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"

"No," I replied, "there is only one."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ion785
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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I SHALL GIVE YOU!! DIS PEAR
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Redtyestar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
🚨︎ report
The apple asked the Pear: Do you want to Smoke this fruit? Come on you’ll love it!

The pear responded: I will never succumb to your Pear-Pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Angelus-XIII
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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What do you call a pear in a compressor?

Pear pressure!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/etawong
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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I have an unhealthy obsession with sketching pictures of fruit.

I really need to draw the lime somewhere.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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Wife told me to grow a pear.

I did. It tasted delicious.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
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What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?

Finding half a worm.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neloc1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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