My French shrink gave me a gift...

It has a great SantΓ© Mentale value

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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At our restaurant, we make sure to buy our pickled cabbage from a variety of vendors.

We've discovered the value of kraut sourcing.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OpulentTooth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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A pig without 3.14 is 9.8

So fellow dads, 3.14 is the value of pi and 9.8 is the value of gravity (G) Hmm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ayusht620
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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A rock's father gave him a family heirloom

It held sedimentary value

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedditShaz420
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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My mom found a 1975 quarter online for $150. Here’s how it went

i look up the coin online and it is worth $6 in mint condition and tell her the value

My mom: we should ask if they’ll negotiate

Me: we should buy it and see if we can flip it.

I’m 16 and fear for my future kids.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shump23
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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I was surprised about a pair of sunglasses on the road today

I got them for free, but that's way below street value

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajorTom314
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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I can't believe my wife wanted me to get rid of my silt collection!

It's like she doesn't understand the sedimental value!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainAmerilard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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The electric company I work for has a talent show at the annual company party.

One of the techs did a stand up comedy routine. The humor wasn’t very funny, it mostly went for shock value.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pikkl_rikk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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One day, Kermit the Frog was a little short on cash, so he went to the bank to speak to a loan officer...

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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An accountant was under review at his firm

He was asked the value of a dozen dozens, to which he promptly replied "132", instead of 144.

He was fired for gross misrepresentation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlduinIsAGeordie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
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I’m heartbroken that I lost a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.

It was of great sedimentary value.

πŸ‘︎ 422
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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What kind of algebra teachers are positive

The ones with absolute values

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MtxJosh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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I’ve recently not been getting along with Excel,

We don’t have the same values.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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Do you know why some are racists?

They can Nazi the value of all people.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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I'll talk about any number except zero.

It has no value.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fudog1138
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday...

They have deep sedimental value to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KillJokeWhoosh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Even though my collection of shale, sandstone, limestone and coal isn't worth a whole lot...

it has a lot of sedimental value to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend is a geologist. For our anniversary I got got her a limestone jewelry box.

It has sedimental value.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePeacefulBard
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
There's a little known country in central Europe that is ruled by a monarchy...

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.

The king knows this and he knows that only a small portion of his populace can ever hope to become one of the respected elite, let alone hold one of their masterpieces in their own hands. Being a very just and fair man, the king ordered the most senior watchmaker in the land to create something the likes of which had never been seen. A watch of such great craftsmanship so as to be above monetary value. The man labored long and hard for many nights to produce the king's watch. When he at last presented the completed work to his lord - in front of the entire nation, no less - he was met with thunderous applause and a warm embrace. He had done it! The king then made a shocking announcement.

"This masterpiece belongs to my people!"

When the roaring of the crowd died down he continued.

"This watch shall be a symbol of my love for all of you. Though I rule over you with supreme authority I do not wish a single one of you to feel that you do not have a voice in the ruling of this nation. From this day on let anyone who doubts my decisions or questions my judgment wear this watch and stand as my equal to voice their concerns. Should even a single one of you think me unfair or wrong in any matter then simply come to my castle and I will present you this token of good faith."

The king made good on his word and from that day on all citizens knew they held the right to challenge their king's rulings. Over time the watch became a symbol of fairness throughout the land. Anyone who wore it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2016
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My son asked me to exchange a bunch of American coins I collected as a kid.

How dare he? They have centimental value.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xbasicgirlx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Lost If Found:

Water-tight bundles of untraceable drug-dealer cash.

Lost somewhere on the beach between West Palm Beach and Nag's Head, NC.

Also, loose pirate treasure of gold or silver.

Sentimental value. Small reward offered.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I am the proud owner of a family-run barber shop

For centuries, we've used our shop as a means of teaching the youngest of our lineage the importance of teamwork, the value of a dollar and, most importantly, the self-satisfaction felt in a job well-done.

In the past few weeks, it's been repeatedly brought to my attention that our youngest child, Sheeran, has been demonstrating particularly helpful and productive tendencies so, today, I felt it was finally time to experience the honor of rewarding his efforts, offering him the opportunity to join our workforce; to which he was nothing short of ecstatic!

I'll be honest, I initially withheld concerns that his excitement would subside once I explained the sorts of menial work I'd have to start him off on but, to my relief, he took no issue in hearing that his duties would mostly revolve around wiping our patrons' hair off of the chairs, and sweeping it up from the floor.

Sharing a moment of beautiful silence, exchanging our most heartfelt of smiles and basking in this pivotal moment of his development, I placed my hand on his shoulder and said, "Son...

You are really going to have your work cut out for you."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/somenewinfo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
People keep telling me to get rid of my pet rock

But it has too much sedimental value

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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_aurelius
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2017
🚨︎ report
I found a fossil today.

Not worth much money, but it has sedimental value.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mortambulist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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Why is Warren Buffett so healthy for his age?

Through value ingesting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wallesis
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm sorry, But I can't give you this penny.

It has way too much cent-imental value.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeet256
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Expensive beverages

I just saw this guy pay $1,000 for a beverage steeped in footware by a leather-wearing, mohawked, heavily-pierced man in a dark, narrow, side-street.

I guess he really values punk-shoe-alley-tea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jabonko
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2015
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Why are all math teachers sith lords?

Because they deal in absolute values

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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Have you heard about the Christian Dental Society?

They're a real molars and values crowd

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ceilingscorpion
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I just read that Fred Durst, of Limp Bizkit fame, was on vacation in Italy

and he loved the food so much that he uprooted his family and moved there immediately. He was in such a rush to move that he sold his house, his cars, and a lot of his belongings at a fraction of their actual value. When asked why he felt such urgency to move there, he said "I did it all for the gnocchi"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nexus9
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2017
🚨︎ report
So I got my wife yesterday at Best Buy

She's got an iPhone 6S and wanted a case, so I let her know she could also try and iPhone 7 case, but it covers the headphone jack.

Wife: I really like this one

Me: Now are you really okay with it covering the headphone jack?

Wife: oh this one doesn't, it's open at the bottom

Me: Huh. So it's on a case by case basis?

Let's just say I got my daily recommended value of eye roll.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgentThor
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Is Michael Giacchino the greatest Star Trek Dad Joker in the world?

He must have it in his Genes.

But seriously check out his Star Trek track listings. The guy loves a good pun.

Star Trek

  1. Star Trek

  2. Nailin' The Kelvin

  3. Labor Of Love

  4. Hella Bar Talk

  5. Enterprising Young Men

  6. Nero Sighted

  7. Nice To Meld You

  8. Run And Shoot Offense

  9. Does It Still McFly?

  10. Nero Death Experience

  11. Nero Fiddles, Narada Burns

  12. Back From Black

  13. That New Car Smell

  14. To Boldly Go

  15. End Credits

Star Trek Into Darkness

  1. Logos / Pranking The Natives

  2. Spock Drops, Kirk Jumps

  3. Sub Prime Directive

  4. London Calling

  5. Meld-Merized

  6. The Kronos Wartet

  7. Brigadoom

  8. Ship To Ship

  9. Earthbound And Down

  10. Warp Core Values

  11. Buying The Space Farm

  12. The San Fran Hustle

  13. Kirk Enterprises

  14. Star Trek Main Theme

Star Trek Beyond

  1. Logo and Prosper

  2. Thank Your Lucky Star Date

  3. Night on the Yorktown

  4. The Dance of the Nebula

  5. A Swarm Reception

  6. Hitting the Saucer a Little Hard

  7. Jaylah Damage

  8. In Artifacts as in Life

  9. Franklin, My Dear

  10. A Lesson in Vulcan Mineralogy

  11. MotorCycles of Relief

  12. Mocking Jaylah

  13. Crash Decisions

  14. Krall-y Krall-y Oxen Free

  15. Shutdown Happens

  16. Cater-Krall in Zero G

  17. Par-tay for the Course

  18. Star Trek Main Theme

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegeneral400
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
🚨︎ report
The statistician realized that he almost certainly has prostrate issues.

Because his pee value was really small.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Christina Aguilera and her boyfriend were in college...

Christina Aguilera and her boyfriend were in college. Now, Christina likes men with lots of testosterone, and her boyfriend was no exception, but the downside was, he was already losing his hair. "I would do something about it," he'd say, "but I don't know how much it would cost." One weekend they went to a student fair, and one of the campus groups was holding a couples' spelling contest. They were offering all kinds of gag items as prizes; condoms, jock straps, training bras, that sort of thing. The top prize for the winning guy was a hairpiece, valued at $100. So Christina helpfully suggested to her boyfriend, "If you won a bee with me, baby, there's a priced toupΓ©e!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/romulusnr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2014
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
🚨︎ report
My teacher pulled this one on us today...

We're in AP Comp Sci learning about converting to hex values.

He writes up on the board: B9 (a hex value)

Teacher: (After explaining how to convert) So that's about it, class. To be honest, it's really pretty benign (points to B9)

Laughter and groans ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rb612
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2014
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The other day my wife was watching two deer fighting in the backyard...

"Huh, pretty good entertainment value for a couple bucks."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/technically_art
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2014
🚨︎ report
Got the McDonald's manager good

Went and got some food yesterday and happened to have a coupon for a free extra value meal, but the cashier needed a manager's code. It took like 3 or 4 minutes for her to come up. After she typed in the code she apologized, explaining that she was in the walk-in freezer.

As she walked away I raised my voice loud enough so she could hear me and said, "Thanks for doing that, you seem really cool."

She actually turned around and gave me a little scowly smile like, "that's not funny wait why am I smiling."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shiningmidnight
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2016
🚨︎ report
While buying a laptop

[At Best Buy]

Me: So I don't know anything about computers, do you have any insight for me?

Employee: Well, computer x is great, but computer y is just as good, and this week y is on sale and really would be the best value for your money.

Me: so...you're saying that it would be the best buy?

Employee: Yeah, but don't say that

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/checkmate555
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad wants to know if he should get "this mole" checked out...

He sent me this pic: http://imgur.com/MuXVhX0

For those that don't get it, it's Avogadro's constant, whose value is: 6.022141Γ—10^23. This number represents the number of atoms in one gram of Carbon-12.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/misterchief117
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2015
🚨︎ report
I trust my watch.

I can take it at face value.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/comfortablydrei
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2014
🚨︎ report
New Car

So a friend of mine wanted to get her a Toyota 4runner for about the past 6 months. After that much looking and searching, she went to look at a new 4runner today. After looking at one with her dad for a while and valuing her mustang...they asked for them to hold it for a few days and they said sure thing!

A little while later, probably about 6... she gets a text from her dad "They sold the car." Upset, she went about the day waiting for dinner that night. Once we got here we hung out for a bit and ate! Her dad told her to go downstairs and get something. (I'm sure you know where this is going) She goes down stairs and finds her new car. She runs back up the stairs and says "I THOUGHT YOU SAID THEY SOLD IT!

"They did sell it! You never asked who bought it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InsaneBeagle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Just got my boss good.

So I work at a Wendy's and we have our fries in Large, Small, Medium, or Value size. I was working fries and an order for a small fry and two values. I make the small but didn't hear the values, and my boss tells me to make them, and as I start I say,

"Oh man, I heard the small but I guess I didn't hear anything of value!"

The groan was so satisfying.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Okuu-Trollzy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad dadjoked me on FB (longish)

His post, which I took at face value until the DJ:

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crayish
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2014
🚨︎ report
In his will, my grandfather left me a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.

It is of great sedimentary value.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report

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